Seven Skanks for Seven Gauchos

I will admit it. I watch American Idol. Do YOU know why? I hope you can tell ME, because I sure as hell don't know. Now that we've got all that out in the open, I'll cut to the chase. Of the twelve female contestants that performed last week, SEVEN of them were wearing gauchos. That is not an exaggeration - Aaron and I kept count. I honestly couldn't tell you what any of them sounded like because I was so distracted by the screenful of gauzy, flappery ugliness, not to mention the oodles of potato ass. Did you know that there is actually a SECTION at Marshall's labeled "Gauchos"? Did you know that I actually found a one-piece sequined halter top gaucho OUTFIT on sale there? How long can this go on? How long??? And the flat shoes with the gauchos? That particular combination is useful if you're trying to pass yourself off as a horse, but who the hark wants to look like they're hauling grain to the market?

Speaking of flat shoes, I saw the most hideous pair of flats at Marshall's as well. Here's the checklist:

1. Really flat - no heel at ALL.

2. Purple. Not a nice purple, so don't jump all over me. We're talking Grimace Purple.

3. They were made of CROCHETED YARN.

4. They had an assortment of CROCHETED FRUITS dangling off the top of them.

5. I am not kidding.

I have to go clean my eyes now.

Maggie

Johnny Angel

I love Johnny Rotten. I love everything about him. Never has there been a more likeable, snide, arrogant, totally amusing music personality. After years of being passed over for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, The Sex Pistols were finally invited to the induction ceremony just last week. This is Johnny Rotten's response:

"Next to the Sex Pistols, rock and roll and that hall of fame is a piss stain. Your museum. Urine in wine. We're not coming...We're not your monkey and so what? Fame at $25,000 if we paid for a table, or $15,000 to squeak up in the gallery, goes to a non-profit organization selling us a load of old famous."

I can't even think of anything to say right now except that the phrase "selling us a load of old famous" is so fabulous it makes my entire vocabulary AND wardrobe obsolete. I'm going to go write a full-length album right now based entirely around that line while I have a high-heel bonfire.

I love love LOVE how almost thirty years after "Never Mind The Bollocks", he's still as frothy as a rabid dog. THAT is dedication. THAT is what it was about, is about, and should be about forever. I love how middle-age has made him an even bigger asshole. I love that I will never hear "God Save The Queen" changed to "God Save The Clean" and used in a Pine-Sol commercial. I just plain love him. You can't put a price on that kind of bitter. It's like fine art.

Maggie

I Think He's Gonna Pork-Rind Her!

Don't you get me all excited for nothing!!! I hesitate to even share this information with you, mostly because I'm frightened that if I say it out loud it may not come true. You must promise to keep it to yourself. Here goes.

It is being reported that Kevin Federline and Jessica Simpson were getting cozy at the LA club "Privilege" a couple nights ago. Oh to be a fly on the wall - or one of those flies that are usually buzzing around his filthy 'do-ragged head. I bet his scalp smells like macaroni and cheese...and not the Kraft Deluxe kind either. The store-brand one with the powdered cheese.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the mere thought of the two of them being in the same room, let alone "hooking up". I can't tell you how much I love this idea. The two of them getting together and having a lusty, crusty affair, her getting knocked up by his radioactively-potent trailer-seed, giving birth to a child named "Cletus" (because it rhymed with "Fetus" and she couldn't think of anything better), and this child going on to play the role of Joey on "Blossom" when NBC decides to re-make it into a feature-length Made-For-TV-Movie in the year 2021.

I've been good. I haven't called anyone a skank all day, except for Paris Hilton of course, but that's part of my daily affirmations. Please don't take this away from me. Please let it be true.

Maggie

Don'cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Disgusted Like Me?

I go to great lengths to keep you people informed, and today I reached the absolute bottom of the barrel, where I found myself flailing wildly about in a crock of Atrocious Whore Soup with a side of Skank Cornybread.

I went to The Pussycat Dolls' website. You know, the luvly gals that gave us the smash hit "Don'cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?"

I feel all icky and disgusting now, and I've already taken 328 showers in bleach since I looked at their site. Here's an excerpt from their "News" section, which we will all read to ourselves, and then discuss some key points aloud:

"Hey PCD fans, there’s a lot coming up! As you all know we are opening up for the Black Eyed Peas on their Honda Civic Tour. Our girls will also be appearing on an upcoming episode of the Freddie show. You will also be seeing the Dolls in an upcoming feature in Teen People magazine."

1. This Pussycat Dolls/Black Eyed Peas tour IS coming to south Florida in April. You might want to use that plastic sheeting and duct tape from a couple years back to make a safe room in your house. The Skank Terror Alert level will be raised to Mystic Tan Orange.

2. The Freddie Show - I didn't even know this show existed until last week when I saw a preview for it. Apparently it's been on for a year now, and is a sitcom that showcases the comedic genius that is Freddie Prinze Jr. I don't think any further comment is required.

3. I can't think of a better musical act (and I use the term "musical" REALLY loosely here) to grace the pages of Teen People Magazine than The Pussycat Dolls. Even more so than in times past, teenage girls need to look up to women that properly display the appropriate size for TOTALLY PORN-A-LICIOUS fake boobs, how to best match your sequined thong to your skin tone, and how to bind and gag self-worth and leave it hog-tied on a stripper pole like a pig on a spit.

Discuss.

Maggie

The Eyes Have It!

I was studying a copy of Cosmo the other day, so I could find more exciting ways to be insecure and "please my man" at my own expense, when I saw a FASCINATING quote from Elizabeth Hurley. Now, she lives in that bizarro world where you're so incredibly perfect that you obsess over the tiniest little things that nobody even notices or cares about, but I found this particular quote to be quite disheartening:

"The best thing to do if you want to be noticed at a party is to have two glasses of wine as soon as you walk in the door. Then your pupils will dilate and it makes you ever so sexy."

Fabulous. Just fabulous. Now I have to worry that my pupils aren't dilated enough to make me attractive. Is this what we've come to? What's next? Will we have to be concerned that our unseen nose hairs aren't symmetrically placed? Oh no you di'int! Ooh - how about we all carry around MRI's of our insides so we can REALLY take it to the next level?!! Girl, your small intestines are WACK!

In summary, don't buy Cosmo. It makes all of you amazing girls feel ugly, and you're all way too beautiful to put up with that kind of abuse - every single one of you.

Maggie

Brat Sabbath

I don't even know where to start here. Okay, I'll take a deep breath. Let's start with this quote from Kelly Osbourne:

"I can't wait to hit the parties with Paris. We're really good friends. You're guaranteed a great night out when she's around."

Sure you're guaranteed a "great night". A great night of drinking yourself unconscious, being passed around a Hummer limo full of Greeks, puking into your Fendi purse, and waking up with a nice old-fashioned case of garden-variety feminine itching.

MOVING ON.

Kelly Osbourne also said the following last year, when her feelings for Paris were, if only for a spell, somewhat diminished:

"Paris' stupid boyfriend ruined my 21st birthday. He's a rich kid and they don't appreciate anything because they grow up with it all. I find it really annoying."

I can certainly understand why the child of Ozzy Osbourne would hate those awful "rich kids". I would imagine there were some pretty lean years between "Bark at The Moon" and "No More Tears". I bet they couldn't even afford her or Jack's drug habits during that time, which IS quite tragic. I hate to ever admit it, because I believe in a thing called "street cred", but Will Smith was right all along. Parents just don't understand.

Maggie

p.s. Hi Mom!

With Arms Wide Open

A lot of people think they know what "sexy" means, and for the most part, I think those people are either clueless, inexperienced, or Jessica Simpson fans. Luckily, there's news of a Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape that will soon be released to the public and I, for one, CANNOT WAIT. I know what you're thinking, and I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the video does NOT show them engaging in any "acts" with each other. It's just the two of them with a gaggle of groupies - BUT - I would like to add that they both DID have their silly snakes out in the same room at the same time, so I'm pretty sure that constitutes as forbidden man-fruit love in the northern parts of Florida. They do vote majority-Republican, after all.

And so I sit here, tingling with anticipation and a twinge of nausea.

Maggie

No shows till March, so you can take some time to brush up on your personal hygiene. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to embarrass you, but you've got an odor problem.

Real Solutions for Real Problems

Have you ever heard of this magical place where everything is cheaper, faster, and better? If you don't live in south Florida during the wonderful, friendly time that is "Season" then you probably don't know what I'm talking about, so I'll take a moment to educate you.

This magical place that I'm speaking of is, of course, New York! If you find yourself standing around in line at a pharmacy, a grocery store, a restaurant, a gas station, a dry cleaners, a hair salon, or really any place that our happy visitors from the north tend to gather, you would know that New York is the greatest place on Earth. It's chock full of friendly customer service, low, low prices on EVERYTHING - and from what I understand from the screechingly loud and obnoxious argument I overheard between Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg at the post office today as they reamed out a postal worker - YOU ARE NEVER REQUIRED TO STAND IN LINE IN NEW YORK. EVER.

I gotta tell you, this New York sounds like a modern day Shangri-La to me. It's a wonder that anyone would ever leave such paradise. Thankfully, I have a solution to The Goldberg's woes: Go the hell back.

Maggie

Just What You've Been Waiting For - Part 3

Don't lie. You know you're totally stoked to get to the chorus of Nicole Ritchie's new song.

He’s a dandelion on a cliff above the sea
He’s not exactly everything I thought that he might be
He’s a dandelion he looks like everything I need
I thought that he’s a flower but it turns out he’s a weed
And I hold on, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on

1. I'm having a hard time understanding the metaphor here. Oh, hang on, he's a dandelion on a cliff above the sea? Does that mean he can get a VIP booth at The Viper Room? NOW I get it.

2. Again with the superfluous lyrics. "He’s not exactly everything I thought that he might be"? Let's shorten this up and get to the point. "He eats food. Gross!!!!!!!!"

3. "Hold on" is a throw-away term in songs. It's right up there with "It's Allright", "Oh Yeah", and "With nothing but a t-shirt on, I never felt so beautiful, baby as I do now".

4. Lastly, and I'm sorry to report this Nicole, but a dandelion is actually considered a weed, so your chorus - much like your fame - doesn't make any sense.

5. For God's sake. Eat something. Please.

Maggie

Just What You've Been Waiting For - Part 2

Continued from yesterday. The second verse to Nicole Ritchie's new single.

He just might be poison but I took him to my rooftop
I said are you afraid of heights he said no I am not
I said hey boy don’t you lie to me tell me everything you feel
We danced around in circles, he said I think we found something real

Let's just stop right there. Ahhhh. This could take ALL DAY. I can't believe Nicole is so inconsiderate that she waits until AFTER she takes Mr. Might-Be-Poison to the rooftop to ask him if he's afraid of heights. I blame bad parenting on the part of Lionel Ritchie. Thank heavens Mr. Might-Be-Poison said "no I am not". She would have had to change that whole first line to rhyme with "yes i am" if he were, in fact, afraid of heights. That might ruin the whole song. I know what you're thinking - it's pretty hard to ruin a big, steaming pile of crap - but it can be done. I'll demonstrate by rewriting the lines to reflect Mr. Might-Be-Poison's potential fear of heights.

I gave up eating food so now I spray my tongue with Pam
I said are you afraid of heights he said yes I am

See that? TOTALLY CHANGED THE WHOLE MEANING OF THE SONG.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the chorus.

Maggie

Just What You've Been Waiting For - Part 1

I'm going to change things up a little bit here. I'm going to post one verse of Nicole Richie's new single each day, along with some "creative criticism". We'll start off with the first verse today. Strap on your "vomit receptacle".

"I saw him on a Friday outside some run-down saloon
He was crying over someone that he felt left much too soon
I said hey boy dont you cry tonight, let me take you out on this town
He looked at me and smiled as one last tear splashed off the ground
With half a wink he asked me what are you some kind of freak?
I told him, no, I guess I just feel your vibe is kinda deep
The moon hung over Soho and I counted 16 stars
I pointed at the brightest one and said now that ones ours"

Okay, now the last time I checked, there were no run-down "saloons" in the vicinity of Soho, and if there were, Nicole Richie would not be hanging out at them. I'm sure she fears that run-down saloons tend to serve fried foods, which permeate the air with steam calories.

And let's cut out the superfluous lyrics that are used solely to make the crappy lyrics stretch out long enough to fit the rhythm. Example: " He was crying over someone that he felt left much too soon". This line would be AWESOME if she just cut out the words "he", "was", "crying", "over", "someone", "that", "he", "felt", "left", "much", "too", and "soon". There - all fixed.

And who the hell is this guy? He's crying and then smiling and then winking and then calling her a freak? This is why I don't date celebrities and/or trust fund kids. They can never get their meds right.

Maggie

Girl, You'll Be In Porno....Soon

Former Madame to the itchy stars of the 80's Heidi Fleiss is making some "sexy" crap movie called "Beverly Hills Tutor" and Hillary Duff has decided that starring in this "film" will help to let everybody know that she's not a little girl anymore. I've probably covered this type of thing before, but humor me, people.

Why is it that when a girl/woman/whatever celebrity wants to "express herself" and "let everyone know she's all grown up" it never, ever means that she's going to take up humanitarian work, or politics, or even a freakin' ceramics class? It ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS means "I'm going to get naked and gyrate on film and probably do a sex scene with Kyle MacLachlan." Sure, I can see the line of thinking - it worked WONDERS for Elizabeth Berkley from Saved By The Bell. I'm sure she's polishing her Academy Awards for "Showgirls" as we speak.

Recall the smash Christina Aguilera hit "Dirrty" where she boxed a girl while wearing a wet t-shirt and chaps with panties while mud was splashed all over her, all the while proclaiming her feminist empowerment. I also remember the promotional campaign for the album being equally "empowering". Yes, Christina. Yes. Bending over in a thong on the pages of Maxim Blender IS empowering. To all of us. Especially to those who have a bottle of lotion handy and no date for Saturday night. If only you could find some self-worth implants to match your breasts, you pig. You want to know where the line is drawn between pathetic-exploitation and feminine-sexiness? I can tell you right now, it ain't up your butt crack, so stop sticking it in my face.

Thanks, gals. You make me embarrassed to be a woman. The next person who says "Girl Power!" is gonna get what-for.

Somebody put on some Sleater-Kinney for Maude's sake. I'm losing it here.

Sarge Marge

p.s. On an unrelated note, The Fabulous Dik Shuttle Lounge is the best band in south Florida. My compliments to The Big Bamboo. Luv you boys.

The Hit New Game Show!

"Which is More Disturbing?" - The New Hit Game Show!

Which is more disturbing?

A. Scott Stapp from Creed got married again this past Friday and was arrested the next day for public drunkenness while trying to board a plane for Hawaii.


B. Two people in the history of the world have been willing to marry Scott Stapp.


C. In 2003, Creed fans filed a class-action lawsuit against Stapp for being so wasted at a Creed concert that he couldn't even remember the words to any of their songs.


D. People actually wanting to hear the lyrics of Creed songs.


E. Scott Stapp is still considered a celebrity.


F. Creed has sold more than 30 million albums worldwide.


G. Scott Stapp has a son named "Jagger".


H. The mere fact that Scott Stapp is permitted to breed.

Jot down your answers and mail them to:
Scott Stapp
The Gates of Suckery
Suckville, USA 90210

Maggie

Or you could always just drop your answers off at Revolution tonight when you come to see The Freakin' Hott and The Fabulous Dik Shuttle Lounge put on their special Valentine's Day show. We'll try not to get any on you.

Finally, The Sternum Implant!!!!!

You know what's so totally "in" right now and you don't even know it? The visible sternum. It seems to be sweeping all of the red carpets these days, so much so that I feel it's only a matter of time until they invent the "sternum implant". Similar in look and feel to a cedar shoe-tree, the sternum implant will give the discerning, fashionable lady that hint of famine that men find so sexy these days. But don't just do it for attention from men - THAT would be wrong. Do it for yourself, so YOU can feel more confident in that $10,000 sack of sequins that's hanging off the tops of your shoulder bones like lake weeds off the Swamp Thing. It's hip! It's happening! It's skeletal! Get on board, loser, or you'll miss the Sexy Marrow Train to Starvingville!

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, you must check out sinewously sexy sternumulator Sheryl Crow on the Grammy green carpet. Google her name along with "RAWRHRHRHRHWHRHTHTIWHHUIYHEAAAAA!!!!!!!! Good Lord, She's a Freak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and you'll probably find it. If not, try "Lance Leavin's" or "Banged My Way to The Top".

Maggie

Hey - don't forget The Freakin' Hott will be at Revolution in Ft. Lauderdale TOMORROW NIGHT - Valentine's Day - along with The Fabulous Dik Shuttle Lounge for a night of romance, dill pickles, and Ugly Kid Joe reminiscing. Five bucks. Get there roundabout 9pm. 21 and up.

The Sound of Genius

This being Saturday night and all, I'm very busy being groomed by my team of top-notch stylists from K-Mart and Sonny's Barbecue, but I thought I'd take a break from all the spackling and girdling to share what has to be the most stupid conversation I've ever heard in my entire life. I'm pretty old now, so I've heard a lot, but this takes the Twinkie.

Man Wearing Black Sandals: "I was listening toThe Steve Miller Band song "The Joker" and I realized that song is the story of my freakin' life!

Man Wearing Brown Sandals: "Huh?"

Man Wearing Black Sandals: "Dude! I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, AND I'm a midnight toker!"

Man Wearing Brown Sandals: "Huh?"

Man Wearing Black Sandals: "Dude. Come out to my car. I have it in my tape player."

Sandal-Men exit the bar.

Maggie

The Importance of Being RIPPED

If you watched the Grammy's, and chances are you didn't because they've become a mockery of all things musical, then you saw that Madonna has really turned into quite the MILF: Man I'd Like to F**k.

Stop working out. Stop it now. Stop it before you can bounce a dime off your breasts and send shrapnel shooting off into the eyes of your backup dancers. Stop it before you grow an Adam's Apple that's the size of an actual apple. Stop it before people start thinking that you're just a male impersonator of yourself and try to cast you in the sure-to-be upcoming sequel of "The Birdcage" that not even Nathan Lane will do but Hank Azaria will jump at the chance to star in. Stop it before your children start calling you "Dad" and really meaning it. Stop it before you actually become a salamander. Stop it before you grow another penis. Stop it before your jawline gets so sharp that you can slice cheese with it. Just stop it.

You're really freaking me out, Madge. To the depths of my soul. I'm frightened.

Maggie

Hey there - we've got an extra special Valentine's Day show with The Fabulous Dik Shuttle Lounge at Revolution in Ft. Lauderdale on, you guessed it, Tuesday February 14th. Five bucks will get you in, 21 and up. Bring a date and shock the hell out of all of us, nerd.

What A Downer, You Say?

Oh good heavens! We're all up in arms over Britney Spears driving around with her baby on her lap instead of a car seat! It's all anybody's talking about. It seems everybody is suddenly a child advocate for the littlest Federline-spawn and wants her to go to prison for her horrendous lack of judgement. As stupid as I think it is to drive around with an unsecured infant on your lap, here's a few things that all you johnny-come-lately child advocates have been ignoring since the dawn of time, solely because Britney Spears isn't involved with any of them:

1. According to the National Coalition for the Homeless, 1.35 million U.S. children are homeless on any given night.

2. 18,000 children worldwide DIE EVERY DAY from hunger and malnutrition.

3. In the U.S. alone, there are an average of one million reported cases of child abuse/neglect every year. Bear in mind that most child abuse is NOT reported, so the actual number of children abused each year is significantly higher than the "reported number".

4. According to UNICEF, 8.4 million children worldwide work in the worst forms of child labor, including prostitution and debt bondage, where children are exploited in slave-like conditions to pay off a debt.

I'm merely scratching the surface here. No, I'm not defending Britney Spears. She's an idiot. But do the world a favor - whatever time you were going to spend on E! Online reading about how she should rot in hell for all eternity, spend it learning more about what you can do to help kids who don't have a fifty million dollar trust fund waiting for them when they turn 18.

Maggie

You Know What Time It Is

It's been a while. What the heck.

Words and/or that must be struck from the English language IMMEDIATELY:

1. "Basically" - Okay, it seems like a harmless enough word - BUT - it seems every time somebody wants to spend three hours telling you THE MOST BORING STORY YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, it always starts with "Basically". Do you know what "basically" means? It means GET TO THE POINT, JACKASS.

2. "It's Pretty Much Definite" - Get a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word "Definite". When you put words like "pretty much" in front of "definite", IT NO LONGER MEANS DEFINITE, ASSFACE.

3. "They totally rock" - This particular phrase is only used when people describe the most un-rocking bands/people in the world. I recently heard someone say that Ashlee Simpson "totally rocks" and I spent the remainder of the evening barfing onto a pair of sequined moccasins that may or may not have belonged to Lindsey Lohan. It goes without saying that mine was not the only vomit present.

4. "Drop Trou" - This is the kind of phrase that your dad uses to fool himself into believing that he's still "hip" and "with it" but it really just makes you cringe when he says it in front of your friends at The Buzz Bake Sale while you're getting a temporary tattoo of Staind's logo on your ass. And you thought having to sit through Kid Rock's set would be the low point of the evening...

5. "Lovely Lady Lumps" - I'm actually holding myself back from putting my head through the computer screen right now just looking at that stupid term. About a year ago, late at night when everyone else had gone to sleep, I stared at the ceiling and tried to think of newer and better reasons to hate the Black Eyed Peas. Little did I know that "lovely lady lumps" were waiting for me on the other side of 2005 floating atop Fergie's pee-stained, orange man-bodied, Bret-Michaels-in-drag, water ballooned-chest.

I'll think of more later. Hold your water.

Maggie

The Fattest Skeleton In Town

Okay, okay. So The New York Post is claiming that Nicky Hilton saw Mischa Barton at a birthday party in Beverly Hills and reportedly said:

"What is that fat pig doing here?"

I gotta tell you, this sounds like my kind of party. I hope she found Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, and Tara Reid later and told them that they looked "healthy" and "voluptuous". I bet the ensuing mad dash to the vomitorium/ladies room would look like the chariot race in Ben-Hur. Most of their hair is made of horsetail anyway.

Oh ladies, can't you all just let bygones be bygones and get together for a big ol' tickle fight in your $300 panties, let Rick Saloman videotape it, sell it on the internet, sue him for a violation of privacy, settle out of court for a few million dollars from the profits, get a reality show that showcases your daily slapfight with humanity and decency, get engaged to a billionaire or two until his family threatens to take away his trust fund if he doesn't break up with you, and put dresses on your chihuahuas while they wish for their own death, like the good ol' days?

I'm so bored with celebrities' antics right now, I'm just going to type some Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch lyrics until the Sudafed and Jack Daniels kicks in: Hard and mean at sixteen/livin' like a beam, theme/Out scheming for the green/Quick to kill, I gets ill/I make ya blood spill/I cut ya throat for your goose-down coat.

Ah yes. I gets ill.

Maggie

Monday Can Eat It

I love it when I get to play psychic and guess who Heather Locklear is going to marry next. Oh, you didn't hear? She filed for divorce from "rocker" Richie Sambora last week after eleven years of marriage. I can't imagine what brought that relationship down, but I'm betting it has something to do with her giving love a bad name. I wonder who will get custody of the hair pomade and the Jersey pride?

So now she's been tainted by Richie Sambora and Tommy Lee, so I'm pretty sure that the natural progression of groupie-dom will lead her to someone even MORE tepid than Richie Sambora. I'm thinking someone in the way of Steve Perry or maybe the lead singer of Air Supply. Of course, she could just shock the hocks out of us and end up totally threewaying Fred Durst and John Tesh, so I don't want to place any bets just yet. Tom Petty was right. Waiting is just the hardest part.

Maggie

p.s. Monday can eat it.

Tan, Tanner, Tannest

Jodie Sweetin of "Full House" fame has finally admitted that she was addicted to meth for several years, that is, until Bob Saget and John Stamos staged an intervention and had her sent to rehab last year. Why, oh why was this not televised? I can totally picture them sitting around the old set of Full House in the breakfast nook and them saying, "You know you have a drug problem, Jodie." and her saying, "How rude!" in that magical Stephanie Tanner manner. Tanner manner. Ha.

Speaking of tans, did you hear about Vince McMahon's latest flap with a tanning salon employee? It seems Mr. McMahon was browning himself up at "Tanzibar" in Boca Raton when he cornered an employee and forced her to look at naked pictures of HIMSELF that he had stored on his camera phone. He then proceeded to grope her and make inappropriate comments to her. She immediately called the police and had them make a report of the incident. She must be really stuck-up or something, because the mere thought of seeing Vince McMahon naked would make most women melt into a pool of hot estrogen. He's as sexy as a piece of rawhide that's been cut out in the shape of a wiener, and almost as charming.

Maggie

Don't forget to head out to The Poorhouse TONIGHT, FRIDAY the 3rd, to see The Freakin' Hott, I Am Stereo, and Sex is a Bullfight?! No cover, strictly 21 and up. The evening starts at 11, and we'll go on sometime between then and 1AM, so don't show up at 2AM and say "What? You already went on?! WTF?!!!!" because I'll shoot you in the leg with a crossbow made of licorice and let The Smudge finish you off.

Share a Smile

Oh for the love of kneeling before Zod. Super secret sources are reporting that Britney Spears is pregnant again. Would somebody please just hold Kevin Federline down and give him a vasectomy for crying out loud? You would think the Laws of Nature would have shot him in the crotch with a uranium arrow by now, but noooooo. There will soon be - not one - not two - not three - but FOUR Federline spawn running amok on this Earth. Somebody better step up the meth and trucker hat production now to prepare for their adolescence. And what are YOU thinking, Britney? Is your brain so consumed by Cheetohs and Slim Fast that you've lost the half a molecule of sense you had left?

I suppose if he does leave her for the next rising star in Trailer-Pop, she could always just have his wages garnished for child support.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh ... Oh ... Ha ... Wages. That really does perk ya up first thing in the morning, doesn't it?

Maggie

Blah

I probably should have addressed this a long time ago, but the mere subject makes me want to crawl out of my skin and have my epidermis dry-cleaned. The subject is: Merging Celebrity Names. It all started, of course, with Bennifer. Then we were clubbed about the head and face with that one so much that eventually it became the norm. Every celebrity couple from that moment was to be christened with such a mo-ro-niker. See, even I'm doing it!

Bradgelina, TomKat, Vinnifer, etc. They all suck equally, but I saw one today that was so bad it actually looked ashamed on the page: Tooney. What exactly is a Tooney, you ask? Has Bugs Bunny finally gotten together with Mickey Rooney? I don't think so. THAT would be silly. Duh! It's SO Teri Hatcher and George Clooney!!! LOL!!!! LMAO!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!! ROFLMAOWEAFPBABSATROTUB40!!!

That would be "Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off While Eating a Fried Peanut Butter And Banana Sandwich And Totally Rocking Out To UB40." for those of you who are, pitifully, internet savvy-less.

What was I talking about? Who the hell cares anymore.

Maggie