The Good, The Bad, and The Laid

Hey - look at that! The Freakin' Hott back at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale THIS SATURDAY, February 2nd with Trapped by Mormons and Los Diablos! We're going on second! No cover, 21 and up only, sex survey to follow:


1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007?
I'm sorry, that's too personal.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?
Only if you consider Wilmer Valderrama's face to be public. It kind of is, now that they've built a Health Department right there on his upper lip.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?
Of course, but that's only because I was having some dental work done at the time.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?
I think it's a good thing to finish up with a hearty cry. Then he'll be less likely to send the unpaid root canal bills to collection.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?
Not really. I prefer to smoke a cigar at Wayne Newton's ranch and then go on an unprovoked killing spree in the hopes that Oliver Stone will make a glossy, yet plot-light, thriller about it someday. You know - chick stuff.

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?
Isn't that really what sex is all about? Well, regret AND a free sub on your tenth visit?

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?
Of course. But only for someone important, like the financial aid counselor at the University of Phoenix Online, or maybe DeVry.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE F*CK UP?
I prefer to discuss the newest innovation from "Hot Pocket brand" until Jim Gaffigan comes in. Then I lose my boner and call it a night.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX:
You mean like without a helmet and mouth-guard? What do you think I am, an idiot?

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Strictly.

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?
Listen, you can only turn Freddy from Silver Spoons down so many times. I'm only human. I had no idea he'd dine and dash with my heart, that son of a bitch.

12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME?
It's usually easier to play golf with four. Sex requires at least five partners to make it interesting, unless you're sleeping with a dwarf clown and/or Wilkins.

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?
Porn just leaves too much to the imagination. I like to pay hobos to blow each other right next to me while I'm having sex. I keep it reals.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?
Besides myself? No.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKE?
"The Condom"? You say that like there's only one. Just so you know, you're not really supposed to reuse those, unless you're having sex with someone who is both frugal AND hot.

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?
The Frugal Gourmet. Enough said.

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?
I'm saving it for the May Sweeps.

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW? ??
Brandon Tartikoff's corpse, me when I'm 80, Arnold Schwarzenegger's nostril in Total Recall, The Council on Foreign Relations, the month of June, flowers, a bag of Mint Milanos, Jordan Catalano, the bass player from Harvey Danger, and the keyboard player from The Brent Indeed Band.

19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE?
Possible? I was being nostalgic!

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?
I'm actually a little uncomfortable, what with the saddle being so tight and all.

21. Do you masturbate?
Sometimes, but only if the line at Publix is reeeeeeealy long and I have a National Enquirer to read while I'm doing it, and the cover story is "Stars with Cellulite - 24 New Pictures!".

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?
Not as much as I love complete and total anal destruction. Not mine, of course. Yours.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO?
Sure, but it's kind of hard with him being on the other side of all that razor wire. I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it is to toss his salad.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Strictly.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?
No. I've found much easier ways to get into Joey Greco's pants.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD?
Good for pleasure, bad for Jesus.

27. LINGERIE?
No thanks, I'm already wearing a monokini. It is Wednesday, after all.

WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX:
[ ] park
[ ] church
[ ] cemetery
[ ] school
[x] James Brown's coffin
[ ] parent's bed
[ ] your bed
[ ] car
[x] on top of a Pro-Life sign in Salt Lake City with Donny Osmond
[ ] picnic table
[ ] kitchen counter
[ ] couch/chair
[ ] dining room/kitchen table
[ ] woods (open and/or in a tent)
[ ] hood of a car
[x] while shaving a Yak and celebrating Boxing Day
[x] chinese take-out
[ ] bathroom
[ ] shower
[ ] the other person's bed
[ ] porch/deck/balcony
[ ] garage
[ ] in the street/alley
[x] on a pile of Eddie Murphy "Party All The Time" cassingles
[ ] in a house with parents home
[ ] at a party
[x] inside Geraldo Rivera's colon
[ ] on top of the washer/dryer
[ ] with other people in the room
[x] during a banjo solo
[x] while listening to the best of Gordon Lightfoot
[ ] hotel
[ ] concert
[ ] grandparent's house
[x] with a grandparent
[ ] field
[ ] bleachers (and under)
[x] while watching one of those Erik Estrada infomercials about all the great real estate in Arkansas and wondering where it all went wrong for him and then deciding that it doesn't really matter so long as I have enough orange-flavored Craisins to make it through an impending Ralph Macchio movie marathon

Maggie

Secret Confessions

I have two secrets to share with you. One is good, the other is DISGUSTING.

The first secret is that we're playing at Brogue's in downtown Lake Worth this Friday, January 5th, at 10pm with The Remnants. 21 and up - and it's free.

The second secret is something that I've been trying to hide for a long time.

It's not always easy to admit to yourself that you have a problem, and thankfully, the new year has made me decide to reveal a shameful secret that's been plaguing me for a long time. A lot of times I feel like an outcast because of it. I hang my head in shame when the subject comes up, and hope that nobody notices, but the pain is too much to bear sometimes. I feel ashamed because I just don't have the willpower to conquer this thing that's gotten a hold of me, like I'm powerless against my own disgusting behavior. I've lost my friends in The Pussycat Dolls, my pals in the cast of NBC's "Las Vegas", and even my nearest and dearest true-blue buddy, Mary-KateNicoleLindsayAshlee because of it. I feel so alone.

Wow. This is harder than I thought. I guess I'll just come out and say it.

I...I......I do NOT have an eating disorder.

Please don't judge me. I judge myself harshly enough as it is every time I allow myself to eat regular meals, and even more harshly when I allow myself to digest said meals. Do you know what it's like to live like this? To have a perfectly good handful of french fries in my mouth and have to pretend like I just got punched in the jaw by Nick Carter when Paris Hilton comes walking up to me at Burger King? I might live in a prison made of forks and spoons, but you have no right to look down your sadly-unrhinoplastied nose at me...at least not when I can give you the number to a really good surgeon who can fix that thing for you, unless you planned on going through life dating the help. Helloooo?!!!

So, if you see me eating regularly, please, lend me a hand... or your toothbrush...and watch my purse while I'm in the ladies room.

Friends don't let friends eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not REAL friends anyway.

You make me sick, but not sick enough to throw this salad up, which makes me even SICKER.

Maggie