The Great Kickball Challenge

While discussing a recently held shindig, Bandito informed me that he took part in a late night kickball game, which got me to thinking that the bands in this area should form a kickball league. This is mostly because I want to see Nothing Rhymes with Orange in shorts.

So let's do it. I'm calling out to all of you locals - I think the first matchup should be The Freakin' Hott versus Catalonia. This is also because I want to see Catalonia in shorts.

You all know my position on shorts, so I won't be wearing them. I'll be wearing an evening dress and heels. And you're not allowed to throw the ball directly at me, either. You may lob it in my general direction, so as not to mess up my hair or makeup. If it makes you feel any better, Aaron and Jon will wear hot pants. Although, if that makes you feel better, then I have to question your moral standards.

But, seriously, we should do this. Challenge?

M

Holy Heck!

Thanks so much to Truckstop Coffee and Two Story Double Wide for such a great time last night at Ray's. I can't remember the last time we had that much fun. And we've got to show some love to the man himself, Ray, for treating all of us so good every time we play there.

I would like to add that watching Brent do squat-thrusts to Hey Ya was probably the funniest, and most disturbing, thing I saw all night. If that's not an ad for birth control, I don't know what is. :)

You know we love you Bandito.

So we're heading out to Popscene at Dada tonight to catch The Parlaphone, and Jon and Aaron will do some indie-spin as well, so that's where the party will be tonight. I am still offended that nobody has asked me to spin my Poison and Warrant records but, frankly, I don't think they're ready for this jelly.

On a comedic fashion note, I saw a woman yesterday wearing stirrup pants with black pantyhose underneath, all inside a pair of brown harachi sandals. I don't think I really need to comment on that, but I do think stirrup pants should definitely make a comeback, but I would like to see a modern, "extreme", if you will, twist. I would like to see those ridiculous, gigantic Hot Topic-style wide-leg jeans with all the straps and detritus all over them made into stirrup pants. And what about stirrup dresses? The stirrup miniskirt? Million dollar ideas, all of them. Ooh - the stirrup jock strap!

I have to go do some sketches now.

Absolutely Magulous

My Transparent Vulnerability?

We always enjoy getting press, particularly from City Link because none of us work there, so here's an excerpt from this week's issue about our show at the Poorhouse a few weeks back:

"The Freakin' Hott wrapped up, featuring another female lead singer, Maggie-Margret Dove. She put on her usual tough-girl-with-a-broken-heart persona, wrapping up the band's opening tune with the line, "He said, 'I love you,' … and I said, 'Who doesn't?' " A cover of Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself for Loving You" added to the image; most of the band's songs dealt with anger, lost love and ballsy sexual self-confidence. It's hard to believe Dove used to complain of stage fright. Those fears are apparently now far in the past." - Dan Sweeney

Not too bad, really flattering actually, but I want to know which one of you hosebags has been talking to the media about my broken heart? The emotionally-traumatic events involving David Hasselhoff and myself are nobody's business but mine...and the editor of Barely Legal, Madeline Albright, Hal Holbrook, The Unsilent Majority, Mama Celeste, the estate of Tiny Tim, Charles Nelson Reilly, Hoobastank, Paul Williams, The Wayans brothers, Elvira, The Council on Foreign Relations, Death Metal Douglas, and the walls of my lovelorn-shack which are stained with my eternally-flowing tears of angst.

Oh yeah, and we're playing this Friday, March 18th, at Ray's Downtown Blues on Clematis Street in downtown West Palm Beach. We will be joined by our fine friends best known as Truckstop Coffee and Two Story Double Wide. Show starts at 10pm, probably five bucks at the door.

And, seriously, thanks to Dan Sweeney.

That is all.

Maggie

Other Teen Idols (Besides The Freakin' Hott)

I like to think that TFH are the only super-dreamy teen idols that you obsess over, but I know that there were others before us. I don't like to spend too much time thinking about it because it hurts deep down inside, but I feel it's time to discuss the ultra-hot topic of OTHER teen idols.

Have you picked up a Tiger Beat/16/Bop magazine lately? You know who's in there now? 50 Cent, Sum41, and Simple Plan. Can you imagine walking into twelve year old Breanna or Ashley or Madison(or whatever monstrosities people are naming their children nowadays) room and seeing the walls plastered with shirtless pics of 50 Cent? And how about Derek Whibley from Sum41? Here's the biggest problem I have with this: These nu-teen idols are neither teens nor good looking, so why are they considered teen idols? Remember when the ONLY requirements to be a teen idol were to be good-looking, and a TEEN?

Cast your memory back to teen idol glory days from the mid-70's to the mid-80's. Leif Garrett aside, all of the fresh, soon-to-be dating Linda Blair faces had the same thing in common - they were dreamy. From Donny Osmond to Shaun Cassidy to Scott Baio to Corey Haim - not a scary face among them. That whole "scare your parents to death" thing wasn't supposed to happen until you were 16 and you really got into Judas Priest and Krokus. Someone has stolen those three years between childhood and telling your parents to piss off, and I want to know who's responsible. How do you think girls learn how to kiss nowadays, without a picture of Giovanni Ribisi from My Two Dads taped to their mirror?

I'm going to go buy every copy of every teen magazine there is in this I-Zod-forsaken town and burn them in effigy for Corey Haim's career (and for his poor choice of haircuts in the later years). And there's nothing you, or anyone else on this planet, can do to stop me.

Magg-nanimous

That Just My Baby Dada!

Guess what I just heard?! The new Sylvester Stallone/Sugar Ray Leonard vehicle known to you as "The Contender" is going to be on NBC at 10pm this Thursday! I'm sure you were planning on dousing your television with non-acetone nail polish remover (that you mysteriously have in your shaving kit and refuse to answer any questions about), and setting your television on fire with the bunsen burner you stole from 9th grade lab so you could smoke banana peels in the woods with your loser friends, all in protest of yet another reality show where people hit each other in the face. Well, now you don't have to destroy your beloved tubed buddy to get out of watching this travesty of television. The Freakin' Hott is fighting the good fight to take down reality television, and return to the glory days of the half-hour sitcom. Now you can fully cultivate your co-dependent relationship with The Freakin' Hott by relying on us to save you, and television, from your own respective and inevitable self-destruction.

The Freakin' Hott will be at Dada this Thursday to kick off The Fiscal Responsibility Tour - and will be appearing every other Thursday at Dada until "The Man" is satisfied. Ooh - is the mob after us? David Hasselhoff? Abe Vigoda? Dramarama?

Get there at 10pm, and get there by going to Atlantic Ave in Delray Beach, east to Swinton, left to the first light, and Dada's on the southwest corner. No covuh, lovuh.

Yup,
Mags

The Freakin Hott in Charge: March 5, The Poorhouse

Have you ever wondered if there could ever be two better best buddies than Scott Baio and Willie Aames? The Freakin' Hott recently conducted an independent study of the infrastructure of their friendship and what made it work, what bonded them to one another, and how their relationship has changed since Willie became the Christian superhero "Bible Man". The results are as follows:

Question 1: What made it work?
Answer: Willie looked considerably less good-looking in drawstring pajama bottoms than Scott, hence, no competition for women.

Question 2: What bonded them to one another?
Answer: Compulsive co-dependency. Scott's ability to move inanimate objects with the power of his mind gave Willie an edge in college-level roulette, which would allow Willie to accumulate more discretionary income so he could join a gym and give him hope that, someday, he could look as good as Scott in drawstring pajama bottoms.

Question 3: How has their relationship changed since Willie became the Christian superhero "Bible Man"?
After hitting rock-bottom, Willie and the Lord spoke during a powerful post-cocaine-overdose-induced epiphany. The Lord said unto Willie, "Son, you have been led astray. You have taken this life I have given you, and crapped it up royally. You will never look as good as Scott Baio in drawstring pajama bottoms. Watch the reruns of Charles in Charge and see - I have no axe to grind here. And don't forget to head out to The Poorhouse to see The Freakin' Hott and The Remnants play Saturday, March 5th, 2005 at 11pm. No cover."

And so Bible Man was born, but this would be the end of Scott and Willie. Scott had his hands full with Diagnosis Murder, and there was a new crop of eighteen year old bimbos at The Playboy Mansion who didn't know any better than to steer clear of him. And, ironically, at the end of the day, Scott doesn't even look good in drawstring pajama bottoms anymore...they just can't seem to cover up the herpes scars adequately. The End.

The moral of the story, kids, is that life is hard, but The Freakin' Hott will make you harder.

Chew On That, Chazzzzzz.