Jingle Bluebells

Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice) has named her newborn daughter Bluebell Madonna. From AP:

"The singer also known as Ginger Spice, 33, told Hello! magazine she'd been inspired by seeing the spring flowers during her pregnancy.

"But what really clinched it for me was my mother telling me that the bluebell is increasingly rare - so it's precious flower, which seems just right for my daughter," Halliwell was quoted as saying."

That makes sense. So long as it's "rare". That seems to be the way celebrities find names for their babies now. On the other hand, Oral Gonorrhea is rare, so I guess that would be a fitting name for a child too. Cleveland Steamer? Also rare. Platypus Buttplug? Rare.

I can't wait till all of these celebrity kids grow up. You think it's bad now with the Paris Hilton's and Nicole Richie's of the world? Wait until you see Charlie Sheen's daughter having a second wave Reggaeton dance-off with Britney Spears's son in 2024. At least I assume Reggaeton will be the only music available by 2024 - I'm sure payola will be around long after the nuclear apocalypse...

Maggie

Welcome to The Overpriced Tube Top Jungle

It seems Axl Rose and Tommy Hilfiger got into a little scuffle this weekend in New York City. I know what you're thinking - and you're incorrect. They were NOT arguing over the release date of the long-UNawaited Guns 'n Roses album "Chinese Democracy". Nor were they arguing over Tommy's uninspired, urban-pandering campaign to take fashion down one logo tube-top at a time. It turns out they were arguing because Axl moved Tommy's girlfriend's drink so it wouldn't spill on him. The best part? Definitely the quote:

"It was the most surreal thing, I think, that's ever happened to me in my life."

I would like to note that this particular quote was not made by Tommy Hilfiger, but by Axl himself. Take a moment to think about that. Axl Rose thinks that getting slapped around by Tommy Hilfiger was the most surreal thing that's ever happened to him. Apparently he was too wasted to remember those years that we all had to endure the videos for "Don't Cry", "November Rain", and "Estranged". Nor does he recall inciting riots in St. Louis and Montreal after walking off-stage in the middle of concerts. Nor does he remember wearing American flag biking shorts in public.

All in all, I think getting slapped around by Tommy Hilfiger is the LEAST surreal thing that's ever happened to Axl Rose. I only hope that this is just the beginning of crusty remnants of late 80's rock getting pushed around by bland fashion designers. I can hardly wait to hear about Chip Z'nuff's eventual ass-beating at the hands of Ralph Lauren.

Maggie

Them Bones

Alice in Chains played a reunion concert last night at The Roxy in Hollywood. I don't want to seem crass here, because I think that both the life and death of Layne Staley is incredibly tragic, but unless they pulled out some wacky hijinks from "Weekend At Bernie's", I don't see this whole "reunion" thing being believable. It's the equivalent of having a Gilligan's Island reunion without Gilligan.

Maybe I should give "Weekend At Bernie's" another look-see. If for no other reason than that I can't get enough of Andrew McCarthy and his spindly, moist, wimpy W.A.S.P.-yness. I'm not kidding. That boy really does it for me.

I refuse to be ashamed.

Maggie

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT! The Freakin' Hott and Timb at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale. Show starts 11pm and goes till waaaaaaaaay late. You better get a nap in after your shift at The Cheetah.

Crotch of Fire

My glee is immeasurable right now, and it's all thanks to one word: Firecrotch.

Brandon Davis (son of a billionaire oil tycoon, defiler of starlets, asshole extraordinaire) drunkenly went off on a tangent about Lindsay Lohan's financial status AND genitalia ON VIDEO inside a nightclub in Hollywood, with Paris Hilton egging him on the whole time. This is the kind of thing that all quasi-celebrities SHOULD be doing, if for no other reason than that it gives me some fantastic quotes to pull. Here's a few of my favorites from the lips of this walking trouser snake:

On her financial status:

"I think she's worth about seven million (dollars), which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel."

On her dating Wilmer Valderrama:

"Is he in a mariachi band?"

And, my favorite, on her genitalia:

"Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long."

You can't buy this kind of entertainment anymore. It's truly a gift.

Maggie

Poorhouse - Friday Night - The Freakin' Hott and Timb - 11pm - Be There.

Fun With Words and Phrases

What the heck? It's been a while...

Here is another list of words/terms/phrases that need to be struck from our vernacular immediately:

1. "Catfight" - On its own, not that bad, but there's always some idiot in a bar/club/whatever who says it like this - "Oooooh - Catfight!" and then looks around at their friends to make sure they heard them say it, and then laughs like they're the one who invented the term to begin with. I hate you.

2. "Do I Smell Bacon?" - This was slightly amusing to me when I was nine years old, when a police car would drive by our school bus and one of the boys on the back of the bus would say it. Since then, there mere utterance of this term makes me want to kick you in the face. Again, please stop laughing and looking around at your friends for their approval and praise after you say this. You're not funny.

3. "24/7" - I'm just sick of this one. Particularly when someone like Larry King says it and gets that smug look like he's in on some "hip lingo" that all the kids are using.

4. "LOL" - I used to work with a woman who would instant message me "LOL" when she thought something was funny, but I could see her from my desk, and she CLEARLY was not "laughing out loud". Nor was she ever rolling on the floor laughing her ass off, contrary to her numerous ROFLMAO's. I hate people who use instant messaging as a way to pacify their need to pathologically lie about the status of their laughter. Screw them.

5. "You must cease all contact with Donny Osmond immediately" - I find this one annoying because I know that if Donny just got the chance to know me, he would realize that we're meant to be together and stop this restraining order business once and for all.

Maggie

The Skank Factor

Today we will discuss "The S Factor". This is the name of that "striptease" workout thing that Sheila Kelley started a couple years back, made most famous by the likes of Teri Hatcher and Lisa Rinna, both of whom I'm sure look like underfed trout dangling from a cane pole while doing this workout. But I digress...

In order to properly celebrate Mother's Day, Sheila Kelley held an "all ages" open house striptease lesson for mothers and daughters. I can't think of a better way to celebrate Mother's Day than by teaching your 7 year old daughter how to properly swing around a pole to Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls". It's GOOD for kids! AND society! And who better to teach them than Mom? The last thing any parent would want would be to have a total STRANGER teach their child the proper way to apply body glitter and how to pick up dollar bills without using their hands. THAT would be wrong.

You can't even imagine the look on my face right now. I look like Dorothy Zbornak after enduring a particularly long St. Olaf story.

Maggie

We're playing at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale THIS FRIDAY, May 19th, along with the one and only Ubiquitous Timb. No cover, 21 and up, who dat is, that just my baby-daddy.

American Eye-cream-dol

Here's another Ryan Seacrest photo for your amusement:



(In case the photos aren't showing up - you can find the pics at www.defamer.com/images/2006/05/seacrest-stanley-cup.jpg .)

Again, I want to see the pictures that followed these three. You know, the ones where Ryan Seacrest throws a fit after realizing that the "Stanley Cup" is not an athletic cup being worn by a guy named Stanley and then storms off to Neiman Marcus to pretend he's flirting with the girls who work the Clinique counter, when he's merely sucking up to them for free samples of chamomile night cream and lavender toner.

Ryan - Nobody CARES that you're gay. Your attempts at remaining closeted are much more amusing.

Maggie

Sad Facts

Britney Spears has CONFIRMED that she is, once again, infected with Federline-spawn. In case you're keeping tabs here, this will be child number FOUR for K-Wig. FOUR. In LESS than five years. I sat down with my calculator and did the math - and at this rate he'll have 782,956 children by ... October? Maybe early November?

Here's a sad fact:

Isaac Newton: 0 children

Albert Einstein: 2 children

Stephen Hawking: 3 children

Kevin Federline: 4 children

Let's all sing together: "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong - can you tell which thing is not like the others by the time I finish this blog?"

Maggie

(Hint: It's the one that looks like a trailer weasel and is a waste of human existence.)

Carrots Wait for No One

There are a lot of things I could say about this picture of Jessica Simpson. A LOT.



I could make mention of the fact that she looks like a bumpy Chick-o-Stick. I could note how ABSOLUTELY FREAKING WEIRD her boobs look. I could even say that in that particular get-up she was probably mistaken for a bottle of Fanta until a Fanta bottle became enchanted and jumped up and said, "You insult the integrity of Fanta with that statement." and then climbed some light-rigging and started firing a gun randomly into the crowd.

But as a mature lady, I am above that.

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YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE BEAT YOU WITH A PUMPKIN FULL OF AGENT ORANGE AND DIET SUNKIST, YOU MUTATED SPRAY-ON CARROT-FACED FREAK OF NATURE.

Sorry.

Maggie

Immaterial Girl

In yet more news nobody cares about, Madonna has posed topless for a W Magazine fashion "spread". An anonymous British source had the following to say about it:

"In one [photo] she is dressed as an English horse rider but there is a sexy twist as she has her boobs out."

Let's summarize that sentence: One dressed English horse twist boobs out.

It's funny, because I would have guessed that this was a topless Madonna story just by that sentence alone.

There's a time and a place for Madonna's boobs. And that time was 1984.

Now I can hardly wait for the eventual nudie pics of Mae West's corpse to surface. I bet they'll be twice as hot as those etchings of Cleopatra's mummified vagina.

Maggie

(And before you jump on me, music critics, Madonna didn't open any gates for any of us real women. She merely reinforced the boys' club that says that women have to show their tits to sell records.)

Our Fallen Hero: Decency

Stavros Niarchos is not taking this getting dumped by Paris Hilton thing all too well. According to Star Magazine (Wilkins is a crack dealer) he spent all night at Paris's guard gate, begging and pleading for her to let him in so he could talk to her. Of course, there was a crowd of paparazzi there to witness the incident, and Stavros is being quoted as saying:

"Please have some decency! Leave us alone!"

Dear Stavros,

It's a little late for that now. I think Paris actually murdered decency and wore it as a thong on the red carpet MONTHS ago. Get with the program, spanakopita.

Sincerely,

Maggie

The Prairie Skank Companion

Lindsay Lohan showed up with a cast on her foot a few nights ago at a press conference for her upcoming film "The Prairie Home Companion". And while she claims she received the hairline fracture in her foot by slipping on the floor when she got out of the shower, I think we all know that the real story must be more interesting than THAT:

1. She was sitting down to a dinner of two quick bursts of Pam non-stick cooking spray and read that it had carbs in it, had a panic attack, had sex with Brett Ratner to punish herself, and broke her foot under the weight of his ego.

2. She was trying to one-up Paris Hilton by fitting the entire right side of her own body into her vagina, and twisted her ankle on the dismount.

3. As a result of dating Jared Leto, she now has syphilis of the foot, or as it's known in Hollywood "JordanCatalanoIsAnAsshole-itis".

4. She's so skinny, she has to jump around in the shower to get wet. ZING! (Thanks, Slappy White.)

5. I totally kicked her narrow spotted ass after she called me "thick".

Maggie

Dream A Little Birthday Dream

Today is my birthday.

This is a picture of what I want.




So you better find him (and a time machine) and figure out a way to get him to willingly come to my house and make out with me while we watch "Dream a Little Dream" and make fun of Corey Feldman's no-lips ... oh, and eat Bagel Bites. The Bagel Bites are integral to the fantasy.

And if you show up with THIS:




I will kick your ass.

Maggie

Love, Thy Name Is Skankis

Devastated by the news of Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos breaking up, I hope to gain some kind of understanding and closure by reenacting their break-up conversation:

Paris: Stavros! Where are you Stavros???

Stavros: (muffled sounds of screaming followed by the sound of a genetically-mutated walrus being dropped into a pool of Diet Berries and Cream Dr. Pepper from The Island Hopper) Oh man! That is the LAST time I'm having sex with you!

Paris: Don't you know who I AM?

Stavros: Sure I do, but the five guys I just met "up there" told me they finally have enough players to take on your gonorrhea in the play-offs. I think that means we have to break up.

Paris: That's hot. Not the breaking up part, of course, but the gonorrhea team just scored a three-pointer!

This is my time of need, folks. This news has really hit me hard. If you can spare anything - a thousand dollars, a non-sexual backrub, or even an all expenses paid vacation to Jamaica - now's the time to step up.

Maggie

I'm Too Tired of This to Even Think of A Title

Well this is all we need. As if the Bennifers, Brangelinas, and Tooneys (??!!) of the world weren't bad enough - now we have a new celebrity mash-up name that trumps all:

Richie Rich.

That's right. Richie Sambora and Denise Richards = Richie Rich.

It's getting so hard to keep track of all of these ridiculous names, why don't we just start using descriptions of these people instead?

Richie Rich = Bad Haircut / Terrible Actress.

Believe me, I'm being kind. My first choice was Squinty Douchebag Spaghetti-Puss / Herpes Casserole a'la Mode.

Maggie

Wild Coconuts Couldn't Drag Me Away

Thank goodness Keith Richards is holding down the "rock 'n roll end" of things for The Rolling Stones. With the most recent news of Mick's sitcom ambitions, it's good to know that somebody in that band still remembers who they are.

Keith Richards suffered a mild concussion this weekend after falling out of a palm tree on the island of Fiji.

A lot of people will tell you that a 62 year old man has no business climbing a palm tree, but in the grand scheme of "all things Keith", climbing palm trees is about one of the safest things he's done in decades, respectively. Now, who knows, perhaps he was trying to fetch a bottle of Jack Daniels that had been lodged up there, or maybe he was trying to cut down a coconut for a heroin pina colada, but I'm just happy that he's getting some exercise.

Maggie

We had a fantastic time at Brogue's on Friday night. Thanks to all of you who made the trek up that way. Next show will be at The Poorhouse on May 19th, so you have plenty of time to brush up on your "not getting drunk until you pass out and people take turns peeing on you" moves.