Get Your Fash-On! I Hate You.

Old Navy: To You, I Say No

I say no to the brown leather jacket with the ruffled leather collar and the string-tie closure at the middle that greeted me at the door. I could have sworn it cried out, "I am the love child of AC Slater's bomber jacket and Jessie Spano's ruffled poet blouse.", but I had also drank a lot of codeine cough syrup at that point, it being Wednesday and all.

I say no the striped formal cuffed shorts that will never be worn by anyone who's actually able to pull that look off. I'm looking at you, Tori Spelling.

I say no to the corduroy newsboy caps for women, because they're corduroy. And newsboy caps.

I say no to the jersey knit WHITE GAUCHOS that didn't even have the decency to be on the clearance rack. There they were, right in the middle of store, unreduced in price and unashamed.

Lastly, I say no to the ultrasuede MID-CALF FUCHSIA SLOUCH BOOTS WITH THE WEDGE HEEL that jumped out from around the corner of the business casual aisle and simultaneously kicked me in the face with their hideousness while pinning me to the ground until I submitted to the demons of classic American design brought to life by the nimble fingers of Indonesian children.

It was enough to almost make me hack up the delicious pretzel-dog I had purchased from Auntie Anne's just an hour earlier.

I departed Old Navy and walked down to Claire's Boutique, but that's another story for another day.

Maggie

Your Mom is STACKED!

I realize I was supposed to write about Kevin Federline's "performance" on the Teen Choice Awards, but what more can you say than, "Wow. What a shit-fest."

Moving on, Britney Spears proudly introduced his performance while apparently carrying two gigantic melons that were pushed up under her chin. I know the first thing I want to be able to say about a pregnant woman is, "Would you check out the gazongas on that mom!". I'm not saying she has to dress like a pilgrim, but I think there should be a five inches of cleavage limit once you're 34 weeks along or so.

I only wish I could meet this child a couple of decades from now to tell him how bitchin' his mom's rack was when she was knocked up with him because, seriously, who doesn't want to hear about their mother's luscious sweater puppies? I'd also let him know that he hasn't seen his father in ten years because he's probably doing time for running one of those Nigerian internet scams after his 12th self-financed album ends up in the dumpster after failing to make a splash on the dollar rack at Big Lots, but that's only because I believe in total honesty.

Maggie

Come see The Freakin' Hott this Friday at Brogue's in Lake Worth with Noble Rocket! No cover, strictly 21 and up, and get there at 10pm! We're going on first!

The Teen Choice Awards, Tom Bosley, and You

I took a break from blogging so I could properly prepare myself for this past Sunday's "Teen Choice Awards" and, although my therapist is against it, I'm ready to talk about it.

The awards show was a two hour teenage girl screamfest with a bunch of "stars" that I'd never heard of, a poorly lip-synced performance by Rihanna, and some of the most uncomfortable dialogue in the history of the universe between Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. Her comedic timing is about as sharp as a sack of ass implants, and her near-illiteracy was more than evident as she struggled to read anything off the teleprompter. I'm also convinced that she has actual Chiclets for teeth. Dane Cook looked as though he would rather die than spend one more second next to Frau Dickinmouth, and I'm sure he left the theater shortly afterwards and had sex with the nearest set of Encyclopedia Brittanicas he could find.

Sadly, I have no Encyclopedia Brittanicas to make love to, so I had to settle for watching the first season of Father Dowling Mysteries on laserdisc. I tried to watch Diagnosis Murder, but my impure thoughts about Scott Baio distracted me from the plotline. I think I made the right choice.

The show ended with the debut live performance of Kevin Federline. I'll have to cover that tomorrow. It could take all day.

Maggie

Just When I'd Given Up Hope...

I'm pretty excited about the new Gillette razor that David Beckham is promoting. It's got SIX BLADES. Do you understand the weight of that? SIX BLADES. That means no more having to tape your two 3-bladed razors together for that elusive 6-bladed shave. It also means no more having to tape your three 2-bladed razors together for that magical 6-bladed shave. Most importantly, it means no more having to tape your six 1-bladed razors together for that glorious, orgasmic, whollifying 6-bladed shave.

As excited as I am about this whole 6-bladed REVOLUTION of razorhood, I'm still waiting for the eventual unveiling of the 12-bladed razor. In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to make do with Nicole Richie's ribcage.









Seriously?


Maggie

The Kennedy Conspiracy

Hollywood is chock-full of great ideas. Oh, you don't think so? Why do you have to be so negative all the time? I HATE that about you.

The wheels are being put in motion for the third installment of the "Ace Ventura" films. I'm surprised Jim Carrey is willing to reprise that particular role, given his leaps into more dramatic roles as of late...wait...I'm reading further down...

...Ohhhhh...apparently Jim Carrey will NOT be in the film. Whew! Thank goodness. Now we can look forward to one of those "Son Of Ace Ventura" type movies. It only makes sense given the gangbusters success of "Son of The Mask". I hope they can pull Jamie Kennedy off of whatever ledge he's teetering on right now to be in this one. The word you're looking for...is TALENT, people.

I think I made more money selling dental work out of the back of a van than "Son of The Mask" made internationally. To be fair, though, I do live just next door to a plutonium taffy factory.

Maggie

Our next show is at Brogue's on Friday, August 25th with Noble Rocket. I don't know if you've heard, but they were recently nominated (in my mind) for the Sassy Magazine Cute Band of the Month. If you go up to Woody and say "White Hustler rides at midnight" he'll rip his shirt right off!

The Dream Team

What has one wiener, two vaginas, no relevance in the music business, and flies?

Dave Navarro dating Jenna Jameson.

Far be it from me to question two pseudo-celebrities coming together for the common purpose of sweating on each other, but I have to take exception here. I'm just so conflicted! I don't know who to be more disgusted for: The Retired Queen of Anal, or Jenna Jameson?

Lately I've been spending hours with a focus group discussing what their conversations must sound like. Here's today's consensus:

Jenna: Are you in a band?
Dave: Yes. The Panic Channel.
Jenna: So, no then?
Dave: Did you notice I'm not wearing a shirt?
Jenna: Can you introduce me to Tommy Lee?
Dave: Jane's Addiction, Jane's Addiction, Jane's Addiction, Jane's Addiction...
Jenna: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me...
...various squirting sounds...
Jenna: Why is it black?
Dave: I just had your initials tattooed on my vas deferens!
Jenna: That's so sweet! Now it'll match the gangrene on my flaps!
Dave: I'm surprised you've yet to remark on my shirtlessness.
Jenna: You're kinda pushy for a hairy chick.

Maggie

Great show this weekend - thanks to everyone for coming out and shaking their asses to celebrate Vanessa's triumphant return. We love all you guys and gals.

The Dempsey Factor

It's Saturday morning, I'm sitting in front of the television watching some Daniel Powter rip-off singer/songwriter guy on the CBS Early Show, thinking about how much he sucks and how I probably am the one with the problem, and working on my second cup of coffee. I have four cats crawling all over me with a look of dissatisfaction over the emptiness of the orange Iams bag that lay crumpled in the corner. I am dressed like an escaped Fly Girl from 1990. Nothing out of the ordinary for a Saturday morning, right?

Then I start flipping the channels on the remote. I don't have cable, so it takes about six seconds to make it through all the channels. I stop on UPN. There's a commercial for a movie they're showing at 2pm today. It took approximately three seconds of viewing Patrick Dempsey antics before I realized that the movie they're showing at 2pm today is "Loverboy".

That being said, I would like to announce the cancellation of any plans I had for this afternoon. I can only hope this is the lead-in to an entire Patrick Dempsey movie marathon. "Can't Buy Me Love", "Meatballs 3", that one movie where he ate the cigarettes, and which ever "Oh God, You Devil" sequel he was in.

Oh, and Paris Hilton's pet monkey bit her on the arm. The article mentioned something about her being taken to the hospital, but no mention of the series of shots that the monkey will have to get in order to stop the progression of whatever disease he surely caught from her.

And we're playing at Dada tonight.

Maggie

Crocodile Smudgee

If you know anything about hot chicks from Australia currently living in exile in Costa Rica, then you know that our dear friend Vanessa is coming back to the US tomorrow for a week-long visit full of laughs, tabloid-catchups, on-the-street fashion commentary and, unfortunately, copious amounts of Smudgery, the likes of which have not been seen since Lauren Tewes was kicked off the cast of The Love Boat. When I think of the horrors she'll be subjected to at the "hands" of the dastardly Trent Pingel....

To properly celebrate her arrival, we're putting on a show at DaDa in Delray Beach tomorrow night, August 12th, around 11pm - and we hope you'll be there to celebrate her homecoming with us. Dance with her, pretend you "accidently" brushed up against her, buy her a drink...buy her a lot of drinks. Lord knows she'll need them if she's to survive The Smudge for an entire week and its disgusting, horrific, lustful crimes against sexual humanity.

I have to go take 300 showers now.

Maggie

Sexy News!

Oh ho hoooooo man! Do I have EXCELLENT news! Nicole Ritchie lost her digital camera at a club in Hollywood last week and there might soon be nude pictures of her circulating on the internet! I know what you're thinking, and I agree, it's probably not a good idea to get my hopes up in case it doesn't actually happen, but I'm just so TOTALLY STOKED.

Wait...wait...there's one coming in right now! Hell YES!!!!!! It's an action shot!!!!











Maggie

TONIGHT AUGUST 4TH - 11PM - BROGUE'S IN LAKE WORTH - THE FREAKIN' HOTT WITH A SLOPPY HIGH FIVES DESSERT!

TOMORROW NIGHT - AUGUST 5TH - THE FREAKIN HOTT AT THE RESPECTABLE'S ANNIVERSARY PARTY AT RAY'S DOWNTOWN BLUES!

The Scratching Post of Skankdom

Well now this is FANTASTIC!

It's just been announced that the new CW Network has green-lighted a reality show to find the next skank/member of The Pussycat Dolls! Now I'm going to need all of your support if I want to stand a chance at making it through the auditions, so here's a list of things I'll need in order to "make it...holla"!

1. 380 cans of Slim Fast spiked with Ex-Lax
2. A full-frontal lobotomy
3. Much, much, much, much, much, much, much lower standards
4. An exercise book that shows how to swallow a whole zucchini
5. Fake scars from the surgical removal of what can best be described as a vestigial penis
6. A few episodes of "Dance Party USA" on VHS in order to learn those hot moves that "Princess" was doing all the time
7. A couple cases of those pantiliners for thongs
8. A mix tape containing the greatest hits of Expose', Trinere, SWV, Lisa Lisa and The Cult Jam, Wild Orchid, Jody Watley, and Paula Abdul during the "chunky" years.

Please send all of your donations to Hell. I'll be going there later to pick up a pair of leggings, a hip-widening tunic top, and some Sam Libby flats.

Maggie

I Am Now a Golden God on The Rock Star Supernova Message Boards

In my boredom this week, I've been convincing the fellow posters on the Rock Star Supernova message boards that I'm actually a famous rock star who prefers to remain anonymous and who's sold 1.2 million records, is currently on tour in Europe, and has nothing better to do than sit on their message board all day. I wanted to see how quickly they would go from hating my presence there to agreeing with everything I say, and believe me, it didn't take long. Here's a few examples (My name is RiotMag on the boards, in case you're just tuning in):

Topic
What Exactly is the Lead Singer Criteria:
5 messages - 5 authors - last updated 08/01/06 10:23 PM


sage ..1 - 07/30/06 06:17 PM

I was just wondering if there was such a thing as the general consesus as to what Supernova were looking for in the lead singer, specifically how are they evaluating singing talent, stage presence etc? Opinions?


Kiwi Fan
Message ..2 - 07/31/06 06:31 AM

If you read their BLOG you will see what they are after ... would think that they want some with Charisma, Vocal Talent and the ability to captivate the audience.


RiotMag (THAT'S ME!)
Message ..4 - 07/31/06 10:41 AM

1. "Pipes"

2. "Chops"

3. People who use the words "pipes" and "chops" because they think it makes them sound like musicians who, by the way, never use words like "pipes" and "chops".

4. A vagina with a view of Marina Del Rey.

5. Medical knowledge of the various uses for methodone.

6. Class with a K = Klassy.

7. A Washer/Dryer to launder Jason's 10,001 Voivod t-shirts.

8. Penicillin.

9. The ability to laugh over and over when Tommy Lee puts sunglasses on his wiener.

10. More penicillin.


Wyzer
Message ..5 - 08/01/06 10:23 PM

To funny riot-mag, but i agree!


Maggie


Our Palm Beach County CD Release is happening at Brogue's in Lake Worth on Friday, August 4th, with special guests The Sloppy High Fives. Then on Saturday we'll be at Ray's Downtown Blues in WPB for the Respectable's Anniversary Party. Both shows are free!

Heroes and Sheroes

I recently had someone ask me who my role models are, seeing as I dislike almost everybody in the world of entertainment, so I thought I'd spend some time on the people I admire and respect. These are in no particular order.

Kimmy Gibbler - Sure, she had the legs of a praying mantis, but I'll be gosh-darned if she wasn't my favorite obnoxious character on television during the late 80's. Nosy, annoying, socially mature beyond her years with just a dash of hateful naivete, she was something to look up to, someone I related to. I like to imagine that the Kimmy Gibbler character lived on well after Full House was cancelled, and she's out there somewhere, hating someone that I would hate too.

Bea Arthur - People like to make fun of Bea Arthur because she's a tall husky-voiced woman, but Bea Arthur is one of the funniest, most talented comedic actresses ever. I can sit and watch hours and hours of "Maude" and laugh so hard it hurts. She doesn't even have to say anything, her blank-faced reactions to situations are one of the funniest things about her. You KNOW what she's thinking without her having to say it. The biggest compliment anyone could give someone is to tell them that they're as funny as Bea Arthur.

Bill Hicks - I hesitate to even write any kind of description about my feelings for Bill Hicks because I don't want to cheapen the memory of one of the most creative minds and best satirists in the history of the universe. If you're too young to have heard of Bill Hicks, or never got to see him before his tragic demise at the age of 32, do yourself a favor and check him out. If you think the people on The Daily Show are funny and clever, Bill Hicks makes Jon Stewart look like Carrot Top.

Maggie