Circle-Circle Dot-Dot

I really wish I had the photos that followed this shot:





You know - the ones where Ryan Seacrest dry-heaves, rips off his clothes, furiously sanitizes his hands and screams, "Ewwww - girls!!!!!" and then proceeds to pass out on the red carpet awaiting a "Cootie Shot" from a nearby medical team.

Maggie

Come see The Freakin' Hott at Brogue's in Lake Worth tonight, April 28th. We will ACTUALLY start playing circa 10:30 - one original set, followed by a cover set. We've got a few new tricks up our sleeves, so don't miss it.

And thank you, John Ralston, for the plug last night - and for putting on a hell of a show! You make us all proud.

Your Mother is The Centerfold

In news that nobody cares about, Cindy Margolis - the famed "Most Downloaded Woman on The Planet" - has decided to pose for Playboy. At age 40, and a mother of three, Cindy had this to say about her decision to finally "bare it all".

"Thank goodness for 'Desperate Housewives.' You're not dead just because you are married and have children. Posing nude at the age of 40 is empowering. In the past it would have been for gratuitous reasons."

1. You can thank badness for Desperate Housewives. Goodness is sitting over there in the corner pretending it doesn't know you.

2. I was unaware that being married and having children means that you're effectively dead. Happy Birthday, kids!

3. To Cindy Margolis, "Dead" = "No Longer Wanking Material for Strange Men".

4. If posing nude at 40 is empowering, then I can't wait till she's 80, then it will be DOUBLE-empowering. At 160, she'll almost be a feminist!

5. I'm sure every guy with their wiener in the hand will find her "spread" to be non-gratuitous, respectable, and kind to animals. Oh, and sticky. Very, very sticky.

Kudos, Cindy. I'm sure you'll make your family proud.

Maggie

Go see John Ralston tonight at Respectables.

Go see The Freakin' Hott tomorrow night at Brogue's Pub.

Sexy Is As Sexy Does

So US Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears is pregnant again. They said she was seen at the pool at Caesar's Palace in a bikini and was "visibly pregnant". Here we go again.

I feel as though I need to reach for the words of Kevin Federline, from his "hit" single "America's Most Hated" to understand the meaning of all this.

So i duck and roll
Middle fingers still up sayin f*ck the globe
And my dawgs still down
We dont trust them hoes
I live life like a King
I was extra stoned
Kevin Federline -
I come tight with every rhyme

Now it all makes sense. How could she NOT have sex with him every night? Come on, people, she's not made of stone. Not only does he give Earth "the finger", but his dawgs are apparently still down, AND he doesn't trust hoes...and let's not forget that he's extra stoned. I think I ovulated just reading that. Oh no, now I'm having contractions! Push! Push! Push! Oh my goodness! I just gave birth to a ... to a ... fifty dollar gift certificate from Graffix and a bag of Corn Nuts?

I feel cheated. Well, I guess my dawgs are still down, so all is not lost.

Maggie

The Freakin' Hott - Brogue's this Friday, April 28th in Lake Worth. Go see John Ralston at Respectable's in West Palm Beach tomorrow night, April 27th.

You Give STD's A Bad Name

Dear Denise Richards,

I'm sure you're all "surprised" that you've had to take a restraining order out against Charlie Sheen, but let's go over the conversation I had with you in my imagination before you married that trouser snake:

Maggie: Seriously. Charlie Sheen? He's more Herp than human!

Denise: But I love him! And besides, he's CHARLIE EFFIN' SHEEN. Star of "Hot Shots", "Hot Shots Part Deux", and "Major League"! Sometimes I can barely control myself when I hear "Wild Thing" on the radio!

Maggie: You know he's had sex with like a thousand L.A. prostitutes, right? Oh, and the coke habit. And the fact that he was borne of the same vagina as EMILIO ESTEVEZ??? Have you even SEEN "Men at Work"????

Denise: I lost my anal virginity to the soundtrack from that movie! Good times...good times.

Maggie: Wait - was this before or after you were on Doogie Howser?

Denise: You tell me! (Shows Vinnie Delpino tattoo)

Maggie: I hope you burn in hell.

So, I hate to say "I told you so", Denise, but that's where you're at now. Burning in hell with the faint memory of Charlie Sheen's herpedic, ridge-backed, contagious, rancid, cauliflower penis to keep you company while you wait for your name to come up on the judge's docket and send secret text messages to Richie Sambora. You know Bon Jovi has ties to the Spandex Mafia, don't you?

Maggie

Wild Sitcoms Couldn't Drag Me Away

Sure, I'm somewhat of a rock 'n roll purist - some might even say a snob. I believe in leather pants, tantrums, and ridiculous backstage demands. If I wanted a rock star to behave like my grandma, I'd probably be a Rob Thomas fan, but that's not the case. And I'm proud. I'm proud that I demand more from my rock stars than humility and good manners. That is why this particular news bothers me so much.

Obviously, The Rolling Stones have become somewhat of a senior citizen punchline these days, but I give them credit for continuing to draw millions of fans on tour every year, and still managing to knock up the occasional 23 year old Brazilian supermodel along the way. This is the reason we all got into music to begin with, no? Art schmart. We all do it for the chicks, our egos, the money, or because daddy didn't love us enough.

So, Mick Jagger is signing a deal to appear in a new ABC sitcom about a group of guys who plan to rob a celebrity. (Mick is the celebrity.) As if this weren't bad enough, the only reason Mick is slated to do this SITCOM, is because JEFF GOLDBLUM turned it down. That's right - irritating, obnoxious, painfully unwatchable, douchebag-extraordinaire Jeff Goldblum. A lot of people say, "Why do you hate Jeff Goldblum with such a passion?"

I will tell you why: Because watching him attempting to explain Chaos Theory in Jurassic Park made me want to rip my own eyeballs out, eat them, vomit them back up, and return them to my eye sockets where the caustic hydrochloric acid from my stomach would burn through my optic nerves and into my brain which would render me as useless a human being as, well, Jeff Goldblum.

I hate Jeff Goldblum. Learn to live with it.

Maggie

Brogue's this Friday in Lake Worth. No cover, strictly 21 and up. Drop that zero and get yourself a hero.

This KISS

I've often wondered what the band KISS would smell like if they were in cologne or perfume form. Luckily, they're launching a fragrance line next year, so we won't have to waste our lives soul-searching and toiling over the situation.

I think the most responsible way to predict what it will smell like would be to break it down by band member and then put them together in a big ol' bottle of Massengill and see what squirts out.

1. Paul Stanley - Nipply, pouty, reminiscent of Marc Bolan's ball sweat

2. Ace Frehley - Rough and road-worn, musty, like an old saddle that once had a naked Edward James Olmos astride it

3. Peter Criss - Mostly ignored, crackly, like the used condoms of Rick James that have been stuck on the underside of Linda Blair's box spring since 1979.

4. Gene Simmons - Pungent, spicy, like twenty thousand 70's muffs all being waxed at once by Andy Dick from inside of the shark tank at Sea World

Summary - This cologne/perfume will smell like nipples, man-juice, a naked Edward James Olmos, used condoms of funk legends, a gaggle of gyners that look like plucked chickens, the stink of brine, and Andy Dick.

I have a feeling the makers of the Desperate Housewives perfume will be filing a trademark infringement lawsuit shortly.

Maggie

No shows this weekend - next Friday, the 28th, we'll be at Brogue's in downtown Lake Worth. Hold your water.

The Scientology Circle

It was late in the evening, April 18th, when I heard the news. Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl named Suri. I thought about how proud the sperm donor and Scientology-extraordinaire, Tom Cruise, must be, and how there's one turkey baster out there who's gonna get a bonus for being so "on the mark". Then I remembered Olympia Dukakis's line in "Look Who's Talking" when she called the sperm donor "the frozen pop". This memory made me snicker, which then made me want to eat a "Fun Size" Snickers bar and lick the melty chocolate off my fingers afterwards. This made me think of that scene in Mallrats when Jason Lee makes Brandy's father lick his fingers after he stink-palms him. This made me remember how I thought Jason Lee was the perfect man for me when I was nineteen. Never before had I seen a man so delightfully bitter, indifferent, and chock full of useless knowledge. He was the perfect man, albeit a tad on the hairy side, but whatever. He was a dreamboat. I then remembered that Jason Lee is now a Scientologist. Yuck.

And the circle is now complete.

Maggie

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp

Quote from Kevin Federline:

"A real pimp is a dude who's making money off bitches who sling that ass on the street. Nowadays, people will say they're a pimp just because they're suave. I'm not no pimp. I'm just Kevin. Happy husband. Happy father. I didn't pimp Britney. I found love."

Please bear in mind that this is the same man who wore a velour tracksuit to his very own wedding reception that had the words "The Pimp" embroidered on the back. And as far as Britney slinging that ass on the street? I don't think anything like that could ever happen...




Whoops. Spoke too soon.

Anyone got change for a nickel?

Maggie

Shut Up, Skank

Excerpt from Reuters interview with Eva Longoria:

"Eva Longoria is annoyed. The Latina beauty on hit television show “Desperate Housewives” is bugged by all the newspaper, magazine and Web gossip about her sex life when there are more important issues to think about."

Do I really need to do this? Sure.

Here's a list of quotes from Eva Longoria from the past year:

“The best sex I have ever had was with my vibrator. I own two. I have the rabbit one, and I give that as a gift all the time to other girls for a birthday or the like. It's the best gift to give: an orgasm. And if I can't do it for ya, I'll give you the tools to succeed! I have one rabbit and a Pocket Rocket."

“I wear G-strings every day, all the time. I actually don’t even own a full-bottom pair of underwear. I also love lingerie, and I love high heels, but I prefer total nakedness overall. That, to me, is so much sexier.”

"I like to be tied up while a tall, dark, handsome lover uses me for his sexual pleasure while I struggle to escape."

and my personal favorite:

"It's not Leave it to Beaver."

The sex life quotes go on and on and on and on. If I posted all of them, I'd be here till next month cutting and pasting. Oh, and here's a dandy photo of her "important issues" as well:



You can tell how concerned she is about important issues plaguing society by the way she's on her knees in a bikini that's falling off.

Maggie

Yes I Am, Muthaf*ckah!

This is kind of weird. Rapper and D-12 member "Proof" was shot and killed in Detroit last week, and now it's coming out that Melissa Etheridge was the shooter! She was arraigned on Saturday for the murder of the rapper, and claims that "Proof" actually shot at her first. I had no idea that Melissa Etheridge was such a thug! I guess she'll have to change the words of a few of her most famous songs now to complement her new lifestyle.

Old lyric: "I'm the only one who'd walk across a fire for you"
New lyric: "I'm the only one who'd bust a cap straight up in yo' ass, muthaf*ckah!"

Old lyric: "Come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon"
New lyric: "Come to my window, where I will then proceed to bust a cap straight up in yo' ass muthaf*ckah!"

Old lyric: "You and I dancing slow, we've got nowhere to go"
New lyric: "You and I dancing slow, right up until I bust a cap straight up in yo' ass muthaf*cka!"

Wait - hang on. I just re-read the article and saw that it wasn't Melissa Etheridge. It was some guy named Mario Etheridge. My bad.

Maggie

The Good, The Bad, and The Formerly Obese

Ryan Seacrest. How can one man provide me with such an amazing plethora* of material? You're starting to rank right up there with Scott Stapp's alcoholic outbursts and Kevin Federline's penchant for sucking the proverbial universal wiener. I'm going to show you Ryan Seacrest's quote from People magazine, and then we'll discuss it:

"I was overweight," he confesses, "because I used to come home and eat a cookie sheet pan of nachos and watch OPRAH every day of my life." He then goes on to say that his classmates used to call him "Kubiak" after the character on "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" because of his weight problem.

Seriously? Where do I begin? The "Kubiak" thing is the obvious choice - mostly because I'm a hopeless Parker Lewis fan and I've kept a lock of Corin Nemec's hair taped to the inside of my training bra for the past fifteen years - but I think I have to go with the "Oprah" thing. I don't want to jump to any rash conclusions here, but I don't think I've ever met a thirteen year old boy in my entire life who was into watching Oprah after school.

Wait, I take that back. I forgot about that time when Rip Taylor and Charles Nelson Reilly found that time machine when they were thirteen and traveled to the future to watch Oprah. I stand corrected.

*Like you, I learned about the word "plethora" from El Guapo in "Three Amigos". I am not ashamed.

Maggie

No shows for us this weekend, so do yourself a favor and go to DaDa on Saturday and see The Fabulous Dik Shuttle Lounge at Popscene. No cover!

There's Always Room for J-Lo

Two or three husbands ago, Jennifer Lopez was married to a man who was not famous. Shortly after she became famous, she dropped him like a ton of bricks. I'm sure you're shocked.

Now she's suing him because he tried to extort five million dollars from her in exchange for him NOT writing a tell-all book about her. In the interest of the public, I will summarize what this book probably would have said:

"Jennifer spent hours anally electrocuting alien kittens in order to eat their pelts and become a lesbian porn star scientologist who was also a fat racist whore who hated the elderly and shot laser beams from her surgically-augmented nipples at puppies and toddlers while eating veal and cheating on her husband with a latex fist she borrowed from Whitney Houston during one of their crack-induced sex-fests that they used to hold once a week on Crack Mountain while wearing butt plugs that were made by small Indonesian children who were chained to butt plug-making machines sixteen hours a day, paid three cents per week, and were beaten with reeds once per hour and when Jennifer heard about that she laughed and had some genetically-modified spinach stuck in her capped teeth the whole time and didn't even know it and this one time she farted on the set of "In Living Color" and blamed it on SW-1 because she hates black people and white people and Chinese people and people who look vaguely Scandanavian under fluorescent lighting. Did I mention that she was a CHEATING WHORE WHO LIKES TO TAKE IT UP THE BUTT?"

Or something like that. I never trust tell-alls from exes.

Maggie

Any Sandwich Way But Loose

NEWS ALERT: NICOLE RICHIE LIKES SANDWICHES

Nicole Richie has admitted to the press that she...likes sandwiches. Note how in this quote, she doesn't mention anything about eating the sandwiches, which is really one of the key components to food consumption.

When asked what kind of food she likes, Nicole replied, "Whatever I feel like, sandwiches, whatever."

I think in this case, "whatever" could stand for any of the following items:

1. A case of Ex-Lax
2. Saltwater
3. Pebbles that got kicked up from her webbed feet into her clavicle
4. Lowfat Steam
5. The faint and unpleasant memories of Paris Hilton's vagina fumes

Don't hate her because she's beautiful:




Maggie

Smells, and The Smelly

Let's see if you can figure out what's wrong with this sentence:

"That afternoon, Wilmer Valderrama, dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and smelling of the cologne DRAKKAR NOIR, was quite willing to discuss the women he has dated over the years..."

Seriously? I haven't smelled Drakkar Noir on a man since I went to see the first Batman movie with Eduardo Maldonado in eighth grade and he never spoke to me again because I wouldn't let him "totally tongue wrestle" me. To this day, I think if I smelled Drakkar Noir on a man passing by me on the street, I would instinctively kick him in the jimmies and call my mom to come pick me up, making the discomfort of walking around with that quarter in my slouch socks totally worth it.

Drakkar Noir. Please. What's next? Is Jessica Simpson going to walk around reeking of "Exclamation!", or perhaps "Charlie"? Although - I suppose anything would be better than the smell of her dad's "Old Spice" on the inside of her bra.

Maggie

Dreams Come True

I flipped through story after story this weekend, trying to find something to satiate your celebrity-bloodthirsty hunger pangs, and I started blog after blog, all leading nowhere. To be honest with you, since I've found Kevin Federline's ACTUAL Myspace page, I can't think about anything else. I've spent days, weeks, months even, trying to figure out how to find K-Fed on Myspace, and now my dream has finally come true. Now I can add him as a friend and then inundate him with emails and comments inquiring how to properly look like shit and live the life of a lucky vagrant.

Link? Of course! Click here -------------> Vaganus

Maggie

Thanks to everyone who came out and made Beerfest so much fun for us this past Saturday. We had a blast, and it was all thanks to you!

Chicks - Who Needs 'Em?

Women are irrational. They do many bizarre things that can't be explained, such as "crying" and "having a valid reason to be angry". I can only imagine what kind of absolute womanly-craziness Kim Mathers must have been engaged in to make Eminem file for divorce from her after a mere 82 days of marriage. Wait, I almost forgot to mention that is the second time they've been married, but that's neither here nor there...nor here.

Maybe it was her "time of the month" and she got all CRAZY like a woman when she re-read the lyrics to his song "Kim" and realized that they were actually about her! Here's a snippet from the actual song:

You can't run from me Kim
It's just us - nobody else
You're only making this harder on yourself
Ha-ha got'cha
(Ahh!)
Ha - Go ahead yell
Here I'll scream with you
AH SOMEBODY HELP
Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?
Now shut the f*ck up and get what's comin to you
You were supposed to love me
*Kim choking*
NOW BLEED! BITCH BLEED!
BLEED! BITCH BLEED! BLEED!

See what I mean? Chicks are NUTS.

Maggie

New Times Beerfest - tomorrow April 8th - we're going on around 8:30-ish. Go to www.newtimesbpb.com for more details.

Pluggin' the Hole

Allright. I wish I were kidding here, but this is what I'm hearing from the bowels of Hollywood this week.

I would like to reiiterate that I am NOT kidding.

Even in my depraved world of clearance shopping and full-price jiggling, even I, your humble servant of bitchitudinal fluff, could not make this up.

Once again, people. NOT kidding.

It is being reported that Tom Cruise has purchased a special adult-sized pacifier contraption for Katie Holmes to plug her mouth with while she's giving birth. (In case you live under a rock, Scientologists believe that the mother should be silent while giving birth, so her screams and moans don't "permanently traumatize" the baby as its being born.)

Thank goodness I ran out and bought one for myself just prior to hearing this news. Otherwise, my jaw would be dropped open in shock right now.

Maggie

Bankrupt Me Baby, One More Time

If I were a popular radio DJ in a big city, and Kevin Federline came in to my studio for an interview, you can bet that the first thing I would do would be to challenge him to a "Dance Dance Revolution" contest. This is what Kidd Kraddick of Dallas did, and I'm sure Britney Spears sat in the corner the whole time thinking, "How about "Job Job Revolution"?!!! Why don't you try THAT one, asshole!" Then she probably grabbed up their baby, straightened his baby 'do-rag, pulled the maternity thong out of her butt, and stormed off to see if anyone in Color Me Badd was still single.

On the one hand, he already has like fifty billion kids so he at least has some experience, but he does call most of them "Gangsta" or "Shorty" in public. On the other hand, it's being reported that he's blown through about 30 million dollars of Britney's money in the past year alone. So today's question is: Which would you rather leave alone in a room with Kevin Federline - your baby ... or your credit card?

Maggie

p.s. Our show on April 21st at Brogue's in Lake Worth has been moved to April 28th. Calm down.

A Choice Moment

Lindsay Lohan is a trendsetter. A risk-taker. A fashion maven. A classy young lady with the grace of Audrey Hepburn and the eye of Coco Chanel. She doesn't follow the rules, sassmaster - she MAKES the rules. Unwilling to bow down to the demands of an entertainment business that panders every day to the lowest common denominator of "Reba" and "King of The Hill" fans, Lindsay Lohan will take it to the mat EVERY time, bucko........











... even if it means flashing her brown-eye to a crowd of eight year olds at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Maggie

The Freakin' Hott will be playing the New Times Beerfest this Saturday, April 8th in Ft. Lauderdale. Anyone interested in discounted tickets, let us know!

No, My First Name Ain't Baby...

I know I'm not the only one who's noticed that foreign-born orphans are quickly becoming the new chihuahua in the neverending ridiculousness that is the New Hollywood. Nobody wants to be the last pop sensation/starlet/washed-up hag on Ventura Boulevard without a baby in their nanny's arms. Sorry, kid - Mommy would just love to carry you around, but you make her look fat by comparison, and you know we can't have THAT. Chances are Mommy paid about the same amount for her Prada bag as she did for you, and your nimble baby-fingers aren't as trustworthy as her overpriced leather monstrosity/purse. Perhaps someday, when you're older, and you're able to grip a bundle of Chanel lipsticks and a few boxes of laxatives at the same time, you'll become "useful" to Mommy, but until then, you better get used to the back burner, kid.

I could talk about how many children there are in the US that need homes, but when it comes down to it, a child saved is a child saved - regardless of their country of origin - and you can't look down on that. HOWEVER, people adopting babies so they can be "in on the newest trend" are as disgusting as Meg Ryan's bought-and-paid-for trout mouth sucking down overpriced sushi while her baby learns to resent her from the nanny's arms outside the restaurant window.

Maggie