The Most Disgusting Human Being I've Ever Encountered In My Life

I've been toiling over the tale I'm about to tell you for almost a week now. It has taken me that long to fully process the events that unfolded last Saturday at The Palm Beach Kennel Club. Sit down for a while, get comfortable, and grab a bag in which to vomit...you're going to need it.

We showed up at the dog track to play a few hands of poker before heading out for the evening. We foolishly expected nothing out of the ordinary to occur. I was seated at Table 18, next to some young guys and few old men. We all said our hellos and got to the game. I had just won a small pot with three-of-a-kind Queens, when it walked in. The smell of CK One filled the air. A screech of "Hollaaaaaa!" was heard. This person would turn out to be: The Most Disgusting Human Being I've Ever Encountered In My Life.

Her skin had the uneven orange stain of a fresh Mystic Tan. Her midriff-baring shirt flaunted her belly button ring, complete with several four inch long rhinestone chains dangling from the hole. The purse was Louis Vuitton - the Jessica Simpson rainbow logo one that always induces vomiting in me - and her freshly striped yellow-blonde highlights had been flat-ironed around her cosmetically puffi-fied face like a picture of turds framed with an actual turd. As luck would have it, her "boyfriend" was two seats away from me. She stood behind him and opened her purse. I had no idea what she was pulling out of her Louis Vomitton, but whatever I could have imagined could not have been worse than what actually did come out.

A plain white envelope, creased around the edges, and as she opened the envelope, the volume of her screeching grew.

"I just got my pictures back from the photographer!!!!!", she squealed. The "boyfriend" turned around and took them from her french-manicured hands. As he held them up to his friend who was sitting next to me, I got a glimpse of them. They were 4 x 6 shots of her in a bikini in front of a fake beach backdrop. Before I could begin to laugh, she said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life.

"They're ten dollars."

Oh my bell biv devoe. She is NOT trying to sell pictures of herself in a bikini AT THE DOG TRACK for ten dollars apiece.

Oh, but she is. And before my appalled face actually exploded into a thousand dirty looks, she looked at the "boyfriend" and said, "Five dollars for you." She then proceeded to pass them around the table. Then when she failed to make a sale at our table, she started to scream "Hey sunshine!!!! Hey Sweetie!!!!!!" at every man who walked by the poker room. Any who dared to approach were immediately hit with her sales pitch. One elderly man asked, "Where do you have pictures like that taken?". She replied, "I'm a model. I had a photographer take them".

Okay, dear, the last time I checked, actual models do not sell pictures of themselves in bikinis in front of a fake beach backdrop AT THE DOG TRACK for ten dollars. I think actual crack whores have more integrity than that.

The "boyfriend's" friend that was to my left was standing up to leave. Guess who took his seat? That's right - it's Skankarella! Right next to me! BOO YEAH.

I was educated in many things for the remainder of the evening. Like when Skankarella wanted a drink but the "boyfriend" was in the middle of a hand, so he told her to wait a minute, and she immediately flagged down the next man that walked by, said, "Would YOU like to buy me a drink?". Then, as the poor schlub brought her a ten dollar drink from the bar, she turned her back to him and stuck her tongue out at the "boyfriend". The schlub tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she were there alone. She, with her back still turned, motioned at him with her hand to piss off and laughed as the schlub retreated to his table with his tail between his legs. I think he actually did have a tail - that's not a metaphor. But even mutated freaks deserve better than that.

So she continued on her path of complete and utter stupidity, making coke deals with the boyfriend, screaming "Yea boy - you keepin' it gangsta?!!!!" at the dealer in-between hands, and continuing to proposition passers-by to buy her pictures. It wasn't until she won a hand and yelled "Hollllaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! In yo face, be-atch!!!!!!!" that I just couldn't take any more and left the table. I went home and showered 86,000 to try to scrub the stink of her existence off of me.

And that, my friends, is the tale of The Most Disgusting Human Being I've Ever Encountered In My Life. I have to go shower again just talking about it.

Death to false metal.

Maggie

Stop Your Whining I'll Be Back Next Week

Diamond Doll – by The Freakin’ Hott

I put on lipstick just to get the mail
And I put on a saddle to ride the rail
I wipe my eyes so I can see
I scream all night “be all you can be”

Touch it’s bliss, touch it’s right
Feel your way to taste then bite
I’ll cut your mirror, I’ll cut your knife
I’m a diamond doll baby when I come to life

So walk on by and wash your hands
Cause I’m the pride, the sin, and the lust of man
The city sleeps, I look for the truth in everyone
So get on your knees and let’s see how it’s done

Touch it’s bliss, touch it’s right
Feel your way to taste then bite
I’ll cut your mirror, I’ll cut your knife
I’m a diamond doll baby when I come to life

I flick the light switch
Put on your mouth, bitch
It’s all coming off tonight
Tonight

Touch it’s bliss, touch it’s right
Feel your way to taste then bite
I’ll cut your mirror, I’ll cut your knife
I’m a diamond doll baby when I come to life

The sun is out, but it’s too bright
I’ve got these fists if you want to fight
If you think you’re wrong, then I think you’re right
I’m a diamond doll baby, every night
I’m a diamond doll baby, every night
I’m a diamond doll baby, every night
I’m a diamond doll baby, every night
I’m a diamond doll baby, every night

Come On - You Know the Words!

Brass Snatch – by The Freakin’ Hott

Be the horse I’ll be jockey
Triple-crowned and feeling cocky
Busted loose and cropping fast
I only win if you come in last

Give me your brass knuckles (woo-hoo)
I’ll give you my brass ring
I just want to give a damn about anything

Give me your brass knuckles (woo-hoo)
I’ll give you my brass ring
I just want to give a damn about anything

Gotta spread the word of the gospel of us
How the preacher is a teacher at the school for sluts
Kiss me and I’ll kiss you back
Stuff Alabama in a grocery sack

Give me your brass knuckles (woo-hoo)
I’ll give you my brass ring
I just want to give a damn about anything

He was a boy not more than twenty-one
When I cast my eyes upon him and shined him up like the sun
I gave him my heart
He gave me a medal
Then he blew me into a line that he could sniff when I settled
The happy ending – he said I love you
And I said, “Who doesn’t”

Woo-hoo
Woo-hoo
Woo-hoo

Rotten Apple

Rotten Apple – by The Freakin’ Hott

There’s a knockin’ in my chest saying “How do you do?”
There’s a blister on my mister and I blame it on you
There’s a beard on the bobtail mystery rabbit
My sister’s on the mic in a bloody black habit
Don’t bother with my father’s black poker-stained fingers
Don’t slip on the lips of the honey-tongued singer
The burnin’ jewel in the school growing into a man
In the dark he’ll leave his mark on the backs of your hands

When you lie to me you lie to everyone
Steal the soul of the seventh sun
Don’t you know that I’m too young to cry
If you take my heart, I’ll take your name
Take my lips, I will take the blame
Can’t you feel what I have got inside
Yeah I’m the rotten apple of your eye

If baby gets a ride and everything goes as planned
She’s gonna wake up in the morning with the taste of a man
And sticky, sticky fingers and matted black hair
And all her pretty panties scattered over the stairs
This is the story of a boy who had gold in his throat
He’s captain of his ship but he’s rockin’ the boat
And he knows he’s only got one last chance
He’s gonna teach little sister how to dance

When you lie to me you lie to everyone
Steal the soul of the seventh sun
Don’t you know that I’m too young to cry
If you take my heart, I’ll take your name
Take my lips, I will take the blame
Can’t you feel what I have got inside
Yeah I’m the rotten apple of your eye

Boooooooooo

This week I'll be posting only song lyrics. I'm busy. Get over it.

Baby Black – by The Freakin’ Hott

Hey sweet thing shake your ass on home
I’ll pat you on the head and say “My how you’ve grown”
I used to know you when you were oh so small
And now you’re bouncing like a pinball off my bedroom wall

I can take your picture to prove you exist
Put your name in lights and cross you off the list
A permanent exposure to flash up the dust
Boy I am so pretty, look away if you must

Doing time, doing time with you
Looking for a hole to fall down through
You can call me baby, I can call you lord
And maybe you can save me if you don’t get bored
Save me

Yeah, you’re coming on real strong
Fussin’ and a-cryin’ for oh so long
Scratching up the glass with your silver heels
Why don’t you dig me a new grave so I know how it feels

Be about where you been
Take a deep breath while you’re counting to ten
Fill me up till you’re ready to pop
And keep it going it baby till I tell you to stop

Doing time, doing time with you
Looking for a hole to fall down through
You can call me baby, I can call you lord
And maybe you can save me if you don’t get bored
Save me

If you dance like a man, boy, I’ll be your girl
Harp-smash baby-black brand new world

Doing time, doing time with you
Looking for a hole to fall down through
You can call me baby, I can call you lord
And maybe you can save me if you don’t get bored
Save me

Yet Another List

Today's list will consist of yet another round of words and phrases that must be struck from the English language immediately:

1. "You really screwed the pooch on that one" - Not funny, never was funny, never will be funny, immediately makes me think of the film "Fraternity Vacation" which, despite its inclusion of Tim Robbins, was one of the worst 80's films ever made.

2. "Cool Beans" - Why is it that when you find a person that says "cool beans", they feel the need to say it after EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAY TO THEM...OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY START TO WONDER IF YOU COULD FIT THEIR BODY INTO YOUR TRUNK?

3, "Git'er Done" - If you are actually from Georgia, you get a pass, because you were saying "git'er done" decades ago. If you have just now picked up the term and proceed to laugh out loud every time after you say it, I hate you.

4. "That's hot" - Do I really need to explain why?

5. "It's all about..." - as in "It's all about the bling!" What exactly is "it"? Your post-college insecurities? Now skip immediately to #6.

6. "Bling" or "Bling-Bling" - I can deal with this word if you are Missy Elliot. If you are Matt Lauer or Katie Couric, you sound ridiculous. Please shut your overpaid "pie-hole". Whiiiiiich brings us to....

7. "Pie-hole" - I believe I first heard the term "pie-hole" on an episode of Roseanne about fifteen years ago. I giggled for approximately 3.5 seconds. Fifteen years ago. Look up the Law of Diminishing Returns.

Now let's see if we can use all of these words and phrases in a sentence! I'll go first!

I think that's hot that it's all about the bling in my pie-hole, and it would have been cool beans if we could have not screwed the pooch on that one and decided to git'er done instead. Translation? THIS MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, DAVE NAVARRO!

Your turn!

Maggie

Teen (Burning) Sensations

Ah, the Teen Choice Awards.

For the love of Mike, this had to be the most disturbing thing Aaron and I had seen in years. Just the fact that talentless, stupid, shallow, and - oh yeah - amateur porn star Paris Hilton was applauded about every ten seconds by thousands of screaming thirteen year old girls made me want to move to a third world country and live in a hut. Then "Desperate Housewives" won a Teen Choice Award, further sealing my decision that I would rather rinse my clothes out in a river and beat them on a rock, wrestle a wild boar to the death for my dinner, and sleep with tsetse flies all over my body every night than be a part of this particular moment in pop culture.

I say we force all of these crappy celebrities out and put marathons of Full House and Saved by The Bell on every channel until we feel clean again.

And, yes, I am an old lady. You don't have to say it.

No shows this weekend - go to confession.

Mags

Blew Monday

Have you ever found yourself hog-tied in an alley with your ass painted orange, a Take That! tour t-shirt pulled up around your armpits, the entire Rick James record collection on the ground next to you, and a mouthful of Canadian pennies?

Me neither. But Bandito swears that's a normal Monday night for him.

Maggie

Thanks for the Mammaries

Great, amazing, wonderful weekend! Thanks to everyone for coming out to the show at Brogue's, for a rousing game of poker, and a sweaty day of kickball-spectating. We have the greatest friends in the world.

Speaking of, does anyone know where I can find an extra large metal shoehorn? It's for a friend....

Mags

SHOW TONIGHT, FRIDAY THE 12th!!!!

Allright, clear your calendar (I'm really giving you the benefit of the doubt for having any kind of social calendar to begin with. You know you're probably just planning on shining up your 84-sided dice.) because we'll be at Brogue's Pub in Lake Worth THIS FRIDAY, AUGUST 12th at 10:30pm - this show is 21 and over. No cover. All lover.

Jigglingly Yours,
Maggie

Breakfast with Blowfish

There is nothing worse than 90's pop. I was discussing this with someone over the weekend and we compiled this list of the worst offenders:

1. Deep Blue Something - Breakfast at Tiffany's. Best line? "Yes I recall I think we both kinda liked it and I said well that's the one thing we've got". My response? Sorry boys, but I'm gonna have to guess that the one thing you've got is a vagina.

2. Tonic - "If You Could Only See" Best line? "Say you love but you don't you give your love but you won't" My response? Is this supposed to be a "sensitive 90's man's" version of Who's on First?, or is this song just intended to be an audio castration?

3. Hootie & The Blowfish - "Only Wanna Be With You (Or Any Song They Ever Wrote For That Matter)" - Best line? "I'm such a baby, yeah, The Dolphins make me cry". My response? You know what makes me cry? The fact that The Blowfish are still out there somewhere...breeding.

Don't forget - show this Friday at Brogue's in Lake Worth - Hootie will not be present, we promise.

Maggie

Skinny Bitches

I gotta tell you, this anoxexia fad in Hollywood is really starting to creep me out. I saw a picture of Nicole Ritchie the other day and she had no calf muscle left in her legs. It was literally skin stretched over the bone. According to the caption, she's around 92 pounds right now, and while they criticized her for being way too thin, their suggestion was that she put on five pounds. Five pounds. Because everybody knows that a 97 pound chick is "voluptuous" and "healthy". You get over a hundred and you're gonna get shipped off to cocaine enema camp.

I like women that look like women, and every man I've ever spoken to agrees. Women are supposed to have a soft layer under their skin - that's what makes women oh so neat-o to touch. Otherwise it just feels like you're touching a shaved dude. And, with the exception of Bandito, nobody wants THAT.

What the holy hark ever happened to T & A? Have they really been replaced by ribcages and tailbones?

Maggie

The Dookies of Hazzard

I want to hear from somebody who actually went to see the new Dukes of Hazzard movie this weekend. I want to know why you would spend nine bucks, and on top of that, waste two hours of your life that you will never get back just to see that crap. To think, you could have spent that time doing something so much more useful, like cleaning out that gook that gets in between the gear-shift knob and the shaft.

Knob and shaft.

I hear the next few movie projects that will make me want to vomit are as follows: The Transformers, Voltron, and...wait for it...The Smurfs.

The Smurfs. Not even Tim Burton could save what is sure to be the biggest piece of crap to ever brown up a movie screen. I actually want to bet him to do it. The next time I see him at one of those ridiculous shows we have to do in Hollywood, I'll be sure to put a finsky on it.

Of course, he doesn't usually make it to the shows at Club M...

WHICH REMINDS ME - we're playing at Brogue's Pub in Lake Worth this Friday at 10:30. No cover, must be 21 and over to get in. Sorry, Lindsay Lohan. Eat a turd.

Maggie

Long Forgotten Subjects of Song

Now, maybe I'm just an old-fashioned girl, but I really miss the interesting subject matter in songs from the past. It seems nowadays, all the songs are about booty, big booty, shakin' booty, crunk booty, fruity booty, smack that ba-dunk-a-dunk booty, bowling for booty, The Booty of 1812, The Man from B.O.O.T.Y., I Am The Eggman - You Are The Booty. And those are just OUR songs!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I scored this new eyeshadow at Sephora (which is actually code for Sephora this time).

No shows this week, but we'll be at Brogue's in Lake Worth on Friday, August 12th, so mark your Days of the Week Booty Calendar.

Maggie

Balls, And Those Who Have Them...

Rock 'n roll should never make you feel like taking a nap. Should never make you feel like a candlelit bubblebath is in order. Should never make you want to plant geraniums in your front yard. Should never make you shrug your shoulders and go "Eh." Surprisingly, a lot of alleged rock bands do not know this. The Sloppy High Fives are not one of these bands.

The Sloppy High Fives have what are often referred to as "balls". If you haven't had the privilege of taking in a Sloppy High Fives show, your life is sad and you don't even know why.

Do yourself a favor and throw them some love at http://www.myspace.com/thesloppyhighfives. Tell 'em Large Marge sent ya.

Maggie

The Natives Are Pissy

It's not always easy being just some of the very few people in south Florida that were actually born in south Florida. The members of TFH know this plight well, and are here to educate you on a few things you think you know about south Florida:

1. Nothing is cheaper in New York than it is here. Nothing.

2. Groups of counterculture and indie-rocker types assemble and disassemble every few years. I know you think there's some kind of great community here right now, but we can guarantee you it will disband person by person as all of the hipsters move away to cool big cities after realizing that, at the end of the day, you will not escape south Florida by way of success. The cycle generally runs 3 cool years, 4 crappy ones and so on.

3. Do not ever, ever say that since you've lived here for five years, you're basically a native. That tends to make those of us who have suffered through 30 summers here really pissy.

4. On a related note, despite what you might think, you will never get used to the heat here. Ever. Don't even get your hopes up because it's not going to happen. Ever. It is the equivalent of saying, "You know, you kinda get used to having this extra large cattle-prod up your ass after a few times."

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact Board of Tourism. They will be happy to tell you where the closest Crabby Jack's is.

Maggie

Don Juan Can Go to Hell!

I was driving around a shopping plaza today when I saw it. Right there in Washington Mutual's window. A sign that stated "Don Juan can go to hell!". I can't even begin to tell you how confused I was by this. Why does Washington Mutual have such bitter animosity towards Don Juan? Perhaps Washington Mutual thinks its a better lover than Mr. Juan? Heavens knows they screw ME every chance they get, so perhaps there's some kind of rivalry between the two?

Just as I was thinking this must be the reason for this odd display, I drove right up next to the sign and saw that it said "One loan can do it all!". Apparently I actually do need glasses.

Any closet optometrist "rockers" out there want to cut me a deal? I'll give you a free TFH sticker and a coupon good for one month of me not threatening to kick you in the nuts. That's not to say I won't still do it, but I just won't warn you about it first.

Maggie