Something Worthwhile
Quite frankly, I tire of your pedestrian surveys about my cellphone wallpapers and favorite dildos and such, so I've finally written my very own survey questions. If you're the kind of person who requires daily affirmation that you're funny (Hello Tony Snow!) then feel free to post your answers on our blog as a comment, and I will be pleased as Jonestown punch to grade your performance. Then you can go screw yourself, because while I am the Home of The Whopper, you cannot have me your way.
1. When was the last time you ate an entire box of Fig Newtons and blamed it on Kirk Cameron's wife because she's such a fat whore?
2. Name three reasons that humans require the existence of Anderson Cooper, WITHOUT immediately playing the "Not quite as morally reprehensible as jerking off to an ACTUAL Weimeraner on television" card.
3. True or False: I believe the children of Britney Spears are our future, and our future will be wearing 'do-rags on their respective twelfth birthdays that say "Give Me Head Til I'm Dead".
4. If you were General Sherman, would you have spared Atlanta, and why?
5. Describe Trent Lott's vagina, and find a way to include the terms "Partial Birth Abortion" and "Tintinnabulation" in your description.
6. Explain why Magic Markers and Magic Tape are magic, and why Pilot's 1970's hit "Magic" is not.
7. When was the last time you cried because I hate you?
8. What are you wearing right now that has NOT been stained by Harvey Fierstein?
9. Give at least two reasons to hate the less fortunate.
10. Have you ever murdered someone named Gary, or wondered if that stuffed jackalope at Longhorn Steakhouse was real?
11. Macaroni and cheese.
12. Soul Asylum provided neither soul nor asylum. Describe your vengeance.
13. Do I look fat in this?
14. Name two people who famously bonded over a conversation regarding the Alfonso Ribiero Breakdancing Mat.
15. Why do fools fall in love and then insist on breeding while conscientious, intelligent types just end up fingerbanging strangers at "Of Montreal" concerts and never speaking to one another again?
16. Describe the most recent time you laughed in the face of Satan, or (girls only) told your dad you were dating Ryan Seacrest in the hopes of waking him up out of a coma with his uncontrollable disbelieving laughter, or (guys only) caught gonorrhea from wiping with Jose Canseco's baseball glove from the 1991 All-Star Game, or (she-male porn actors only) made a sandwich.
17. Sex on a basketball today or tomorrow?
18. Dog is to wine bladder of lemur urine as Mary-Kate Olsen is to _______________.
19. A train leaves Chicago at 10:00PM Central Standard Time travelling at 60 miles per hour while another train leaves the after-party at Wilmer Valderrama's house at 10:48PM Pacific Standard Time travelling at the speed of balls. The train from Chicago makes a 7 minute stop in Des Moines, while the train from Wilmer Valderrama's after-party makes a 12 minute stop to check for sores. What time do Wilmer Valderrama's balls hit Mandy Moore in the face?
20. Just because flip-flops are made of leather and cost eighty bucks does not make them formal wear. Beg for forgiveness for your trespasses against fashion.
21. At what age did you realize that Screaming Cheetah Willies having a song on the radio was the first sign of the apocalypse?
22. I think Coldplay is as boring as a beige turd in a beige toilet. Convince me otherwise - while being as subjective as possible - because THAT certainly wouldn't be anything new.
23. Better on-screen death: Apollo Creed in Rocky IV or Tom Cruise's credibility in Mission Impossible III?
24. Have you ever gone to pick up your photos from Walgreens and when they said they weren't quite ready yet you started singing, "Someday, my prints will come...someday my prints will come" because you think you're so funny and then the guy behind the counter pulled out a gun and shot you for being such an stupid, lame asshole? Because somebody should.
25. Why isn't Matthew Sweet ever able to write more than two good songs on any given album? Seriously - it's baffling - and I want answers.
Maggie
Oh, and we're playing at The Poorhouse for St. Patrick's Day.
1. When was the last time you ate an entire box of Fig Newtons and blamed it on Kirk Cameron's wife because she's such a fat whore?
2. Name three reasons that humans require the existence of Anderson Cooper, WITHOUT immediately playing the "Not quite as morally reprehensible as jerking off to an ACTUAL Weimeraner on television" card.
3. True or False: I believe the children of Britney Spears are our future, and our future will be wearing 'do-rags on their respective twelfth birthdays that say "Give Me Head Til I'm Dead".
4. If you were General Sherman, would you have spared Atlanta, and why?
5. Describe Trent Lott's vagina, and find a way to include the terms "Partial Birth Abortion" and "Tintinnabulation" in your description.
6. Explain why Magic Markers and Magic Tape are magic, and why Pilot's 1970's hit "Magic" is not.
7. When was the last time you cried because I hate you?
8. What are you wearing right now that has NOT been stained by Harvey Fierstein?
9. Give at least two reasons to hate the less fortunate.
10. Have you ever murdered someone named Gary, or wondered if that stuffed jackalope at Longhorn Steakhouse was real?
11. Macaroni and cheese.
12. Soul Asylum provided neither soul nor asylum. Describe your vengeance.
13. Do I look fat in this?
14. Name two people who famously bonded over a conversation regarding the Alfonso Ribiero Breakdancing Mat.
15. Why do fools fall in love and then insist on breeding while conscientious, intelligent types just end up fingerbanging strangers at "Of Montreal" concerts and never speaking to one another again?
16. Describe the most recent time you laughed in the face of Satan, or (girls only) told your dad you were dating Ryan Seacrest in the hopes of waking him up out of a coma with his uncontrollable disbelieving laughter, or (guys only) caught gonorrhea from wiping with Jose Canseco's baseball glove from the 1991 All-Star Game, or (she-male porn actors only) made a sandwich.
17. Sex on a basketball today or tomorrow?
18. Dog is to wine bladder of lemur urine as Mary-Kate Olsen is to _______________.
19. A train leaves Chicago at 10:00PM Central Standard Time travelling at 60 miles per hour while another train leaves the after-party at Wilmer Valderrama's house at 10:48PM Pacific Standard Time travelling at the speed of balls. The train from Chicago makes a 7 minute stop in Des Moines, while the train from Wilmer Valderrama's after-party makes a 12 minute stop to check for sores. What time do Wilmer Valderrama's balls hit Mandy Moore in the face?
20. Just because flip-flops are made of leather and cost eighty bucks does not make them formal wear. Beg for forgiveness for your trespasses against fashion.
21. At what age did you realize that Screaming Cheetah Willies having a song on the radio was the first sign of the apocalypse?
22. I think Coldplay is as boring as a beige turd in a beige toilet. Convince me otherwise - while being as subjective as possible - because THAT certainly wouldn't be anything new.
23. Better on-screen death: Apollo Creed in Rocky IV or Tom Cruise's credibility in Mission Impossible III?
24. Have you ever gone to pick up your photos from Walgreens and when they said they weren't quite ready yet you started singing, "Someday, my prints will come...someday my prints will come" because you think you're so funny and then the guy behind the counter pulled out a gun and shot you for being such an stupid, lame asshole? Because somebody should.
25. Why isn't Matthew Sweet ever able to write more than two good songs on any given album? Seriously - it's baffling - and I want answers.
Maggie
Oh, and we're playing at The Poorhouse for St. Patrick's Day.
posted by the freakin hott at Wednesday, March 07, 2007
1 Comments:
I pasted a few key things from your blog to my friend Kris and the reply:
"HAVE MY BABIEZ"
Thanks for helping me waste some time. :D
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