There's Always Room for J-Lo

Two or three husbands ago, Jennifer Lopez was married to a man who was not famous. Shortly after she became famous, she dropped him like a ton of bricks. I'm sure you're shocked.

Now she's suing him because he tried to extort five million dollars from her in exchange for him NOT writing a tell-all book about her. In the interest of the public, I will summarize what this book probably would have said:

"Jennifer spent hours anally electrocuting alien kittens in order to eat their pelts and become a lesbian porn star scientologist who was also a fat racist whore who hated the elderly and shot laser beams from her surgically-augmented nipples at puppies and toddlers while eating veal and cheating on her husband with a latex fist she borrowed from Whitney Houston during one of their crack-induced sex-fests that they used to hold once a week on Crack Mountain while wearing butt plugs that were made by small Indonesian children who were chained to butt plug-making machines sixteen hours a day, paid three cents per week, and were beaten with reeds once per hour and when Jennifer heard about that she laughed and had some genetically-modified spinach stuck in her capped teeth the whole time and didn't even know it and this one time she farted on the set of "In Living Color" and blamed it on SW-1 because she hates black people and white people and Chinese people and people who look vaguely Scandanavian under fluorescent lighting. Did I mention that she was a CHEATING WHORE WHO LIKES TO TAKE IT UP THE BUTT?"

Or something like that. I never trust tell-alls from exes.

Maggie