This KISS

I've often wondered what the band KISS would smell like if they were in cologne or perfume form. Luckily, they're launching a fragrance line next year, so we won't have to waste our lives soul-searching and toiling over the situation.

I think the most responsible way to predict what it will smell like would be to break it down by band member and then put them together in a big ol' bottle of Massengill and see what squirts out.

1. Paul Stanley - Nipply, pouty, reminiscent of Marc Bolan's ball sweat

2. Ace Frehley - Rough and road-worn, musty, like an old saddle that once had a naked Edward James Olmos astride it

3. Peter Criss - Mostly ignored, crackly, like the used condoms of Rick James that have been stuck on the underside of Linda Blair's box spring since 1979.

4. Gene Simmons - Pungent, spicy, like twenty thousand 70's muffs all being waxed at once by Andy Dick from inside of the shark tank at Sea World

Summary - This cologne/perfume will smell like nipples, man-juice, a naked Edward James Olmos, used condoms of funk legends, a gaggle of gyners that look like plucked chickens, the stink of brine, and Andy Dick.

I have a feeling the makers of the Desperate Housewives perfume will be filing a trademark infringement lawsuit shortly.

Maggie

No shows this weekend - next Friday, the 28th, we'll be at Brogue's in downtown Lake Worth. Hold your water.