You Give STD's A Bad Name

Dear Denise Richards,

I'm sure you're all "surprised" that you've had to take a restraining order out against Charlie Sheen, but let's go over the conversation I had with you in my imagination before you married that trouser snake:

Maggie: Seriously. Charlie Sheen? He's more Herp than human!

Denise: But I love him! And besides, he's CHARLIE EFFIN' SHEEN. Star of "Hot Shots", "Hot Shots Part Deux", and "Major League"! Sometimes I can barely control myself when I hear "Wild Thing" on the radio!

Maggie: You know he's had sex with like a thousand L.A. prostitutes, right? Oh, and the coke habit. And the fact that he was borne of the same vagina as EMILIO ESTEVEZ??? Have you even SEEN "Men at Work"????

Denise: I lost my anal virginity to the soundtrack from that movie! Good times...good times.

Maggie: Wait - was this before or after you were on Doogie Howser?

Denise: You tell me! (Shows Vinnie Delpino tattoo)

Maggie: I hope you burn in hell.

So, I hate to say "I told you so", Denise, but that's where you're at now. Burning in hell with the faint memory of Charlie Sheen's herpedic, ridge-backed, contagious, rancid, cauliflower penis to keep you company while you wait for your name to come up on the judge's docket and send secret text messages to Richie Sambora. You know Bon Jovi has ties to the Spandex Mafia, don't you?

Maggie