The Most Disgusting Human Being I've Ever Encountered In My Life
I've been toiling over the tale I'm about to tell you for almost a week now. It has taken me that long to fully process the events that unfolded last Saturday at The Palm Beach Kennel Club. Sit down for a while, get comfortable, and grab a bag in which to vomit...you're going to need it.
We showed up at the dog track to play a few hands of poker before heading out for the evening. We foolishly expected nothing out of the ordinary to occur. I was seated at Table 18, next to some young guys and few old men. We all said our hellos and got to the game. I had just won a small pot with three-of-a-kind Queens, when it walked in. The smell of CK One filled the air. A screech of "Hollaaaaaa!" was heard. This person would turn out to be: The Most Disgusting Human Being I've Ever Encountered In My Life.
Her skin had the uneven orange stain of a fresh Mystic Tan. Her midriff-baring shirt flaunted her belly button ring, complete with several four inch long rhinestone chains dangling from the hole. The purse was Louis Vuitton - the Jessica Simpson rainbow logo one that always induces vomiting in me - and her freshly striped yellow-blonde highlights had been flat-ironed around her cosmetically puffi-fied face like a picture of turds framed with an actual turd. As luck would have it, her "boyfriend" was two seats away from me. She stood behind him and opened her purse. I had no idea what she was pulling out of her Louis Vomitton, but whatever I could have imagined could not have been worse than what actually did come out.
A plain white envelope, creased around the edges, and as she opened the envelope, the volume of her screeching grew.
"I just got my pictures back from the photographer!!!!!", she squealed. The "boyfriend" turned around and took them from her french-manicured hands. As he held them up to his friend who was sitting next to me, I got a glimpse of them. They were 4 x 6 shots of her in a bikini in front of a fake beach backdrop. Before I could begin to laugh, she said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life.
"They're ten dollars."
Oh my bell biv devoe. She is NOT trying to sell pictures of herself in a bikini AT THE DOG TRACK for ten dollars apiece.
Oh, but she is. And before my appalled face actually exploded into a thousand dirty looks, she looked at the "boyfriend" and said, "Five dollars for you." She then proceeded to pass them around the table. Then when she failed to make a sale at our table, she started to scream "Hey sunshine!!!! Hey Sweetie!!!!!!" at every man who walked by the poker room. Any who dared to approach were immediately hit with her sales pitch. One elderly man asked, "Where do you have pictures like that taken?". She replied, "I'm a model. I had a photographer take them".
Okay, dear, the last time I checked, actual models do not sell pictures of themselves in bikinis in front of a fake beach backdrop AT THE DOG TRACK for ten dollars. I think actual crack whores have more integrity than that.
The "boyfriend's" friend that was to my left was standing up to leave. Guess who took his seat? That's right - it's Skankarella! Right next to me! BOO YEAH.
I was educated in many things for the remainder of the evening. Like when Skankarella wanted a drink but the "boyfriend" was in the middle of a hand, so he told her to wait a minute, and she immediately flagged down the next man that walked by, said, "Would YOU like to buy me a drink?". Then, as the poor schlub brought her a ten dollar drink from the bar, she turned her back to him and stuck her tongue out at the "boyfriend". The schlub tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she were there alone. She, with her back still turned, motioned at him with her hand to piss off and laughed as the schlub retreated to his table with his tail between his legs. I think he actually did have a tail - that's not a metaphor. But even mutated freaks deserve better than that.
So she continued on her path of complete and utter stupidity, making coke deals with the boyfriend, screaming "Yea boy - you keepin' it gangsta?!!!!" at the dealer in-between hands, and continuing to proposition passers-by to buy her pictures. It wasn't until she won a hand and yelled "Hollllaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! In yo face, be-atch!!!!!!!" that I just couldn't take any more and left the table. I went home and showered 86,000 to try to scrub the stink of her existence off of me.
And that, my friends, is the tale of The Most Disgusting Human Being I've Ever Encountered In My Life. I have to go shower again just talking about it.
Death to false metal.
Maggie
We showed up at the dog track to play a few hands of poker before heading out for the evening. We foolishly expected nothing out of the ordinary to occur. I was seated at Table 18, next to some young guys and few old men. We all said our hellos and got to the game. I had just won a small pot with three-of-a-kind Queens, when it walked in. The smell of CK One filled the air. A screech of "Hollaaaaaa!" was heard. This person would turn out to be: The Most Disgusting Human Being I've Ever Encountered In My Life.
Her skin had the uneven orange stain of a fresh Mystic Tan. Her midriff-baring shirt flaunted her belly button ring, complete with several four inch long rhinestone chains dangling from the hole. The purse was Louis Vuitton - the Jessica Simpson rainbow logo one that always induces vomiting in me - and her freshly striped yellow-blonde highlights had been flat-ironed around her cosmetically puffi-fied face like a picture of turds framed with an actual turd. As luck would have it, her "boyfriend" was two seats away from me. She stood behind him and opened her purse. I had no idea what she was pulling out of her Louis Vomitton, but whatever I could have imagined could not have been worse than what actually did come out.
A plain white envelope, creased around the edges, and as she opened the envelope, the volume of her screeching grew.
"I just got my pictures back from the photographer!!!!!", she squealed. The "boyfriend" turned around and took them from her french-manicured hands. As he held them up to his friend who was sitting next to me, I got a glimpse of them. They were 4 x 6 shots of her in a bikini in front of a fake beach backdrop. Before I could begin to laugh, she said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life.
"They're ten dollars."
Oh my bell biv devoe. She is NOT trying to sell pictures of herself in a bikini AT THE DOG TRACK for ten dollars apiece.
Oh, but she is. And before my appalled face actually exploded into a thousand dirty looks, she looked at the "boyfriend" and said, "Five dollars for you." She then proceeded to pass them around the table. Then when she failed to make a sale at our table, she started to scream "Hey sunshine!!!! Hey Sweetie!!!!!!" at every man who walked by the poker room. Any who dared to approach were immediately hit with her sales pitch. One elderly man asked, "Where do you have pictures like that taken?". She replied, "I'm a model. I had a photographer take them".
Okay, dear, the last time I checked, actual models do not sell pictures of themselves in bikinis in front of a fake beach backdrop AT THE DOG TRACK for ten dollars. I think actual crack whores have more integrity than that.
The "boyfriend's" friend that was to my left was standing up to leave. Guess who took his seat? That's right - it's Skankarella! Right next to me! BOO YEAH.
I was educated in many things for the remainder of the evening. Like when Skankarella wanted a drink but the "boyfriend" was in the middle of a hand, so he told her to wait a minute, and she immediately flagged down the next man that walked by, said, "Would YOU like to buy me a drink?". Then, as the poor schlub brought her a ten dollar drink from the bar, she turned her back to him and stuck her tongue out at the "boyfriend". The schlub tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she were there alone. She, with her back still turned, motioned at him with her hand to piss off and laughed as the schlub retreated to his table with his tail between his legs. I think he actually did have a tail - that's not a metaphor. But even mutated freaks deserve better than that.
So she continued on her path of complete and utter stupidity, making coke deals with the boyfriend, screaming "Yea boy - you keepin' it gangsta?!!!!" at the dealer in-between hands, and continuing to proposition passers-by to buy her pictures. It wasn't until she won a hand and yelled "Hollllaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! In yo face, be-atch!!!!!!!" that I just couldn't take any more and left the table. I went home and showered 86,000 to try to scrub the stink of her existence off of me.
And that, my friends, is the tale of The Most Disgusting Human Being I've Ever Encountered In My Life. I have to go shower again just talking about it.
Death to false metal.
Maggie
posted by the freakin hott at Friday, August 26, 2005
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