Hey There!

Long time, no blog! I've been fighting a personal battle with the geniuses behind blogger.com, so that's why it's been THREE months since I've posted on here. I've still been posting regularly on myspace, so if you need to catch up you can go to www.myspace.com/thefreakinhott.

We've got a whole bunch of shows lined up, so here's the list:

Friday, June 22nd
10pm
Brogue's Irish Pub
Downtown Lake Worth


Friday, July 6th - with The Ubiquitous Timb and Zombies Organize!
11pm
The Poorhouse
Downtown Ft. Lauderdale


Saturday, July 14th
11pm
Dada
Downtown Delray Beach


Friday, July 20th - with Mike Dunn & The Kings of New England
11pm
Brogue's Irish Pub
Downtown Lake Worth


Saturday, July 21st - with The Dirty Boxes and The Creepy T's
11pm
The Mental Ward
Ft. Lauderdale

On a related note, I will be hospitalized for exhaustion starting Sunday, July 22nd. In lieu of flowers, please send burgers and tabloids.

Maggie

Something Worthwhile

Quite frankly, I tire of your pedestrian surveys about my cellphone wallpapers and favorite dildos and such, so I've finally written my very own survey questions. If you're the kind of person who requires daily affirmation that you're funny (Hello Tony Snow!) then feel free to post your answers on our blog as a comment, and I will be pleased as Jonestown punch to grade your performance. Then you can go screw yourself, because while I am the Home of The Whopper, you cannot have me your way.

1. When was the last time you ate an entire box of Fig Newtons and blamed it on Kirk Cameron's wife because she's such a fat whore?

2. Name three reasons that humans require the existence of Anderson Cooper, WITHOUT immediately playing the "Not quite as morally reprehensible as jerking off to an ACTUAL Weimeraner on television" card.

3. True or False: I believe the children of Britney Spears are our future, and our future will be wearing 'do-rags on their respective twelfth birthdays that say "Give Me Head Til I'm Dead".

4. If you were General Sherman, would you have spared Atlanta, and why?

5. Describe Trent Lott's vagina, and find a way to include the terms "Partial Birth Abortion" and "Tintinnabulation" in your description.

6. Explain why Magic Markers and Magic Tape are magic, and why Pilot's 1970's hit "Magic" is not.

7. When was the last time you cried because I hate you?

8. What are you wearing right now that has NOT been stained by Harvey Fierstein?

9. Give at least two reasons to hate the less fortunate.

10. Have you ever murdered someone named Gary, or wondered if that stuffed jackalope at Longhorn Steakhouse was real?

11. Macaroni and cheese.

12. Soul Asylum provided neither soul nor asylum. Describe your vengeance.

13. Do I look fat in this?

14. Name two people who famously bonded over a conversation regarding the Alfonso Ribiero Breakdancing Mat.

15. Why do fools fall in love and then insist on breeding while conscientious, intelligent types just end up fingerbanging strangers at "Of Montreal" concerts and never speaking to one another again?

16. Describe the most recent time you laughed in the face of Satan, or (girls only) told your dad you were dating Ryan Seacrest in the hopes of waking him up out of a coma with his uncontrollable disbelieving laughter, or (guys only) caught gonorrhea from wiping with Jose Canseco's baseball glove from the 1991 All-Star Game, or (she-male porn actors only) made a sandwich.

17. Sex on a basketball today or tomorrow?

18. Dog is to wine bladder of lemur urine as Mary-Kate Olsen is to _______________.

19. A train leaves Chicago at 10:00PM Central Standard Time travelling at 60 miles per hour while another train leaves the after-party at Wilmer Valderrama's house at 10:48PM Pacific Standard Time travelling at the speed of balls. The train from Chicago makes a 7 minute stop in Des Moines, while the train from Wilmer Valderrama's after-party makes a 12 minute stop to check for sores. What time do Wilmer Valderrama's balls hit Mandy Moore in the face?

20. Just because flip-flops are made of leather and cost eighty bucks does not make them formal wear. Beg for forgiveness for your trespasses against fashion.

21. At what age did you realize that Screaming Cheetah Willies having a song on the radio was the first sign of the apocalypse?

22. I think Coldplay is as boring as a beige turd in a beige toilet. Convince me otherwise - while being as subjective as possible - because THAT certainly wouldn't be anything new.

23. Better on-screen death: Apollo Creed in Rocky IV or Tom Cruise's credibility in Mission Impossible III?

24. Have you ever gone to pick up your photos from Walgreens and when they said they weren't quite ready yet you started singing, "Someday, my prints will come...someday my prints will come" because you think you're so funny and then the guy behind the counter pulled out a gun and shot you for being such an stupid, lame asshole? Because somebody should.

25. Why isn't Matthew Sweet ever able to write more than two good songs on any given album? Seriously - it's baffling - and I want answers.

Maggie

Oh, and we're playing at The Poorhouse for St. Patrick's Day.

Here We Go Again

No shows this weekend - but keep an eye out for the weekend of the 16th and 17th - more details to come. Here's a survey to hold you over:



Do you straighten your hair everyday?
I used to, then I found out that Nick Lachey actually likes curly hair, so I killed Andie McDowell and glued her scalp to my head. Now Nick thinks I'm almost tolerable to look at. Score!


Do you worry about the size of your boobs?
Not really "worry" so much as lay curled in a fetal position and cry 23 and a half hours a day about it. Then I spend the remaining half hour trying on padded bras and making martinis for my man.

What's your favorite girly magazine?:
Popular Low Self-Esteems

Would you kill for chocolate?
That would be silly. Unless you have some.

Jeans or skirts?
You'll have to ask my father what's appropriate for me to wear. I'm unmarried so I don't have a husband to pick out my clothes.

Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable?
I actually wear underwear that's made of that pink fiberglass insulation, but you get used to it after a while. What can I say?! I'm a girly-girl!

Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
Both. I spent all day getting pretty for Richard Marx, and all night getting ready for God to punish me for fornicating with a Repeat Offender. I guarantee nobody until 35, or anyone with decent taste in music for that matter, will get that one.

Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?:
Didn't everyone cry at the end of Epic Movie?

Would you leave the house without makeup on?
I would rather have hooks inserted into my back and be dragged behind the Orient Express while Five for Fighting serenades me from the caboose with that "I'm more than some pretty face beside a train" piece of shit song.

On a scale of 1-10, how fun is shopping?:
Not as much fun as taking on the Moroccan fire-eaters and contortionists at Epcot Center.

Are you a girly-girl, tomboy, or in the middle?
Definitely a girly-girl. I feel very poorly about my physique, and I'm not very smart, but apparently I give a really mean HJ if you're really drunk. I'm not without my talents.

Do you think lipgloss is the best?:
It's actually better than love, and only slightly more sticky. And it's WAY better than that cousin who hugs you just so he can be pressed up against your boobs.

Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
I don't freak out about anything - ever. Unless it's the season premiere of My Super Sweet 16, then I would systematically kill the whole town.

Do you obsess over your looks?
That would be silly. I let MEN obsess over my looks, and then I make surgical changes based on their input.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
It's a pretty long walk from Tom Wopat's house back to my place, so I have to do the whole sports-bra and running shoes thing, so about thirty minutes or so.

Accessories make the outfit; true or false:
I shop at Wal-Mart, so technically the Indonesian children make the outfit.

Would you rather get flowers at school or home?
I'd rather get them at the florist. They probably have a better selection than a school, and I already know I don't have any kind of selection at home.

Are you a sucker for skater guys?:
This one is actually too easy. I could never respect myself if I answered it.

Is pink truely the best color in the entire universe?:
Yes, because I've deemed it so. Hello?! I'm ME! And if I like something, then I must be right. Because I'm me.

who is your fav. Beverly HIlls 90210 character?
The condom that Dylan and Brenda used on Prom Night.

status?
The condom? Used? You're really stupid. We should be friends, because I'm not intimidated by you.

Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
I dated this one guy for six months and I was dressed as Ryan Philippe the whole time. He was way impressed...until the pants came off. That was, yet another, long walk home.

Do you often wish there was something you could change about yourself?
I suppose I would change everything. That seems like a popular, and healthy, answer. What do you think I am, conceited?

Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?:
Sure - here's one now:

Love is like a beautiful flower

Or a Nick Lachey golden shower

I like that song "All Along the Watchtower"

But Nick doesn't like it, so now I don't like it either



On a scale of 1-10, how much do guys confuse you?
Not enough to make me stop constantly trying to please them by pretending to be an idiot.

Do you worry/fuss about your weight?
Only when it's important, like when you're watching Deal or No Deal with your boyfriend, and those model chicks come on, and he looks at them and says, "Hey fatass, why don't you look like any of those model chicks? You should spend more time hustling up my laundry and less time hustling up Dunkin' Donuts munchkins, then maybe I could stand your physical appearance long enough to tell you that if you don't let me put it in your butt I'm going to get it somewhere else, like from your best friend Tina, she's got a hot ass." Otherwise, I don't think much about it.

What makeup could you NOT live without??
Pore spackle.

Maggie

The Good, The Bad, and The Laid

Hey - look at that! The Freakin' Hott back at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale THIS SATURDAY, February 2nd with Trapped by Mormons and Los Diablos! We're going on second! No cover, 21 and up only, sex survey to follow:


1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007?
I'm sorry, that's too personal.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?
Only if you consider Wilmer Valderrama's face to be public. It kind of is, now that they've built a Health Department right there on his upper lip.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?
Of course, but that's only because I was having some dental work done at the time.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?
I think it's a good thing to finish up with a hearty cry. Then he'll be less likely to send the unpaid root canal bills to collection.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?
Not really. I prefer to smoke a cigar at Wayne Newton's ranch and then go on an unprovoked killing spree in the hopes that Oliver Stone will make a glossy, yet plot-light, thriller about it someday. You know - chick stuff.

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?
Isn't that really what sex is all about? Well, regret AND a free sub on your tenth visit?

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?
Of course. But only for someone important, like the financial aid counselor at the University of Phoenix Online, or maybe DeVry.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE F*CK UP?
I prefer to discuss the newest innovation from "Hot Pocket brand" until Jim Gaffigan comes in. Then I lose my boner and call it a night.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX:
You mean like without a helmet and mouth-guard? What do you think I am, an idiot?

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Strictly.

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?
Listen, you can only turn Freddy from Silver Spoons down so many times. I'm only human. I had no idea he'd dine and dash with my heart, that son of a bitch.

12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME?
It's usually easier to play golf with four. Sex requires at least five partners to make it interesting, unless you're sleeping with a dwarf clown and/or Wilkins.

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?
Porn just leaves too much to the imagination. I like to pay hobos to blow each other right next to me while I'm having sex. I keep it reals.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?
Besides myself? No.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKE?
"The Condom"? You say that like there's only one. Just so you know, you're not really supposed to reuse those, unless you're having sex with someone who is both frugal AND hot.

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?
The Frugal Gourmet. Enough said.

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?
I'm saving it for the May Sweeps.

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW? ??
Brandon Tartikoff's corpse, me when I'm 80, Arnold Schwarzenegger's nostril in Total Recall, The Council on Foreign Relations, the month of June, flowers, a bag of Mint Milanos, Jordan Catalano, the bass player from Harvey Danger, and the keyboard player from The Brent Indeed Band.

19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE?
Possible? I was being nostalgic!

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?
I'm actually a little uncomfortable, what with the saddle being so tight and all.

21. Do you masturbate?
Sometimes, but only if the line at Publix is reeeeeeealy long and I have a National Enquirer to read while I'm doing it, and the cover story is "Stars with Cellulite - 24 New Pictures!".

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?
Not as much as I love complete and total anal destruction. Not mine, of course. Yours.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO?
Sure, but it's kind of hard with him being on the other side of all that razor wire. I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it is to toss his salad.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Strictly.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?
No. I've found much easier ways to get into Joey Greco's pants.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD?
Good for pleasure, bad for Jesus.

27. LINGERIE?
No thanks, I'm already wearing a monokini. It is Wednesday, after all.

WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX:
[ ] park
[ ] church
[ ] cemetery
[ ] school
[x] James Brown's coffin
[ ] parent's bed
[ ] your bed
[ ] car
[x] on top of a Pro-Life sign in Salt Lake City with Donny Osmond
[ ] picnic table
[ ] kitchen counter
[ ] couch/chair
[ ] dining room/kitchen table
[ ] woods (open and/or in a tent)
[ ] hood of a car
[x] while shaving a Yak and celebrating Boxing Day
[x] chinese take-out
[ ] bathroom
[ ] shower
[ ] the other person's bed
[ ] porch/deck/balcony
[ ] garage
[ ] in the street/alley
[x] on a pile of Eddie Murphy "Party All The Time" cassingles
[ ] in a house with parents home
[ ] at a party
[x] inside Geraldo Rivera's colon
[ ] on top of the washer/dryer
[ ] with other people in the room
[x] during a banjo solo
[x] while listening to the best of Gordon Lightfoot
[ ] hotel
[ ] concert
[ ] grandparent's house
[x] with a grandparent
[ ] field
[ ] bleachers (and under)
[x] while watching one of those Erik Estrada infomercials about all the great real estate in Arkansas and wondering where it all went wrong for him and then deciding that it doesn't really matter so long as I have enough orange-flavored Craisins to make it through an impending Ralph Macchio movie marathon

Maggie

Secret Confessions

I have two secrets to share with you. One is good, the other is DISGUSTING.

The first secret is that we're playing at Brogue's in downtown Lake Worth this Friday, January 5th, at 10pm with The Remnants. 21 and up - and it's free.

The second secret is something that I've been trying to hide for a long time.

It's not always easy to admit to yourself that you have a problem, and thankfully, the new year has made me decide to reveal a shameful secret that's been plaguing me for a long time. A lot of times I feel like an outcast because of it. I hang my head in shame when the subject comes up, and hope that nobody notices, but the pain is too much to bear sometimes. I feel ashamed because I just don't have the willpower to conquer this thing that's gotten a hold of me, like I'm powerless against my own disgusting behavior. I've lost my friends in The Pussycat Dolls, my pals in the cast of NBC's "Las Vegas", and even my nearest and dearest true-blue buddy, Mary-KateNicoleLindsayAshlee because of it. I feel so alone.

Wow. This is harder than I thought. I guess I'll just come out and say it.

I...I......I do NOT have an eating disorder.

Please don't judge me. I judge myself harshly enough as it is every time I allow myself to eat regular meals, and even more harshly when I allow myself to digest said meals. Do you know what it's like to live like this? To have a perfectly good handful of french fries in my mouth and have to pretend like I just got punched in the jaw by Nick Carter when Paris Hilton comes walking up to me at Burger King? I might live in a prison made of forks and spoons, but you have no right to look down your sadly-unrhinoplastied nose at me...at least not when I can give you the number to a really good surgeon who can fix that thing for you, unless you planned on going through life dating the help. Helloooo?!!!

So, if you see me eating regularly, please, lend me a hand... or your toothbrush...and watch my purse while I'm in the ladies room.

Friends don't let friends eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not REAL friends anyway.

You make me sick, but not sick enough to throw this salad up, which makes me even SICKER.

Maggie

The 2006 Bitter Bitch Wrap-Up

Before I get to the year-end wrap-up, I should mention that we will be playing New Year's Eve at Dada in Delray Beach with our favorite undead band (since Wild Orchid broke up) "Zombies Organize!". No cover, don't miss it, blah, blah, blah, yerass.

Ah, 2006. Where do I begin? Let's start with the blatantly obvious:

1. Fergie released a solo album that officially marked the death of pop music.

I can't really think of anything more notable than that, unless you want me to really dig deep and come up with some stuff about the "War on Terror", but I don't think you really want that sort of thing from me. I wouldn't want to ruin your image of me sitting on top of a stack of Star magazines while eating an entire box of Fudge Grahams and fretting about my nail polish and wondering where it all went wrong for Mickey Rourke's face.

Seriously - have you seen him the past couple of years? He looks like Tori Spelling but without "The Thing"'s jawline. Which reminds me, I'm sure you must already know that she's knocked up, seeing as the four horses of the apocalypse are hanging out in front of her OB/GYN's office. She actually makes my London Bridge want to go UP.

Maggie

The 2006 Bitter Bitch Wrap-Up

Before I get to the year-end wrap-up, I should mention that we will be playing New Year's Eve at Dada in Delray Beach with our favorite undead band (since Wild Orchid broke up) "Zombies Organize!". No cover, don't miss it, blah, blah, blah, yerass.

Ah, 2006. Where do I begin? Let's start with the blatantly obvious:

1. Fergie released a solo album that officially marked the death of pop music.

I can't really think of anything more notable than that, unless you want me to really dig deep and come up with some stuff about the "War on Terror", but I don't think you really want that sort of thing from me. I wouldn't want to ruin your image of me sitting on top of a stack of Star magazines while eating an entire box of Fudge Grahams and fretting about my nail polish and wondering where it all went wrong for Mickey Rourke's face.

Seriously - have you seen him the past couple of years? He looks like Tori Spelling but without "The Thing"'s jawline. Which reminds me, I'm sure you must already know that she's knocked up, seeing as the four horses of the apocalypse are hanging out in front of her OB/GYN's office. She actually makes my London Bridge want to go UP.

Maggie

Jiggle Bells

The odds are pretty slim that you've been good enough to warrant a visit from Santa this year, so you might as well go down in flames.

The Rock 'n Roll Christmas Party is happening this Saturday, December 23rd, at The Culture Room in Ft. Lauderdale. Doors open at 9pm, lineup is as follows:

Kill Miss Pretty
The Freakin' Hott
The Livid Kittens
Dyslexic Postcards

Tickets are available for $5 through Ticketmaster or $7 at the door the night of the show. I will not be wearing one of those stripper Santa bras, I will however be wearing Jack Frost's disposition, if you're into that sort of thing. If not, I'm sure Wilkins will let you partake in his "nog" to help you get in the holiday spirit. By the way, he's renamed his pants "The Holiday Spirit", so you've been forewarned.

Eww.

And before you ask, I will be honoring the traditional mistletoe code, so long as I know who you are, you smell fairly clean, and I find you attractive. Merry Freakin' Christmas. ;)

Maggie