Tempest In A D-Cup

The most notable thing about the release of a new Christina Aguilera album is the accompanying assault on my eyes every time I walk past a magazine rack. She must be doing photo shoots somewhere that’s like Africa-Hot because, for some reason, she’s wearing nothing but underwear on every magazine cover! Scandal! I guess having twenty pounds of saline on her chest really helps her get that “soulful” quality to her voice.

I know what you’re thinking - Hasn’t she recently made a claim that she’s done being “trashy”? That IS an interesting point. I’m going to stop calling you all of those horrible names behind your back.

Oh wait, I bet the underwear she’s wearing on the cover of Blender was really, really EXPENSIVE. Ha! I bet you didn’t think of that one, did you? I guess I’ll have to reconsider that whole “not calling you horrible names” thing, you TJ Maxx Slutbag Whore Pirate Douchebag Buttwipe.

I was planning to stop being “trashy” myself, but at the moment I can’t seem to afford anything but a three-pack of Hanes Her Way, which according to magazine standards, only qualifies me to display my junk on the cover of Big Booty Jump-Off Weekly, as published by the guy who played “Cockroach” on The Cosby Show.

I’m going to close today’s news bikini-brief by changing the words to Christina’s hit song “Beautiful”. You can sing along if you’re not too busy trying not to be the TJ Maxx Slutbag Whore Pirate Douchebag Buttwipe that you are:

I am beautiful
Since the surgeon’s had his way
Yes my natural B-cups couldn’t bring me down
I am beautiful
Now I’ve got Double-D’s
And we all know that translates to album sales

I need to work on my rhyming skills. I bet if my boobs were bigger, it would be a lot easier.

Maggie