Wild Orchids Couldn't Drag Me Away

I remember the good ol' days, when Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" was the worst song I'd ever heard. And as terrible as it was, with the recent release of Fergie's solo album, I now find myself longing for the days when the lyrics were shit AS WELL as the shit was bananas. B-A-N-A-N....I can't even bring myself to write it. It just hurts too much.

Without further adieu, here are the lyrics to Fergie's "London Bridge". We'll discuss some key points after the presentation.


Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
When I come to the clubs, step aside
Pop the seeds, don't be hating me in the line
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine
I'm Fergie Ferg
Give me love you long time

All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
Because you know what, I don't give a fuck
So here we go!

[Chorus (x2)]
How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London want to go down
Like London London be going down

Drinks start pouring
And my speech start slowing
Everybody start looking at you
The Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose
Now I wishing that I didn't wear these shoes
It's like everytime I get up on the dude
Papparazzi put my business in the news
And I'm gonna get up out my face (oh, shit)
Before I turn around and spray your ass with mace (oh, shit)
My lips make you want to have a taste (oh, shit)
You got that? I got the bass


I'll give you a second to get out your notebooks...

1. I think it's a good idea to start a song off by saying "Oh shit" a few times, mostly because it makes you sound really smart. Plus, you throw a few more "Oh shit's" at the end and - BAM! - instant lyrical cohesion.

2. I, too, am a lady despite my penchant for dancing like a ho. And not giving a fuck? You can't buy that kind of class on the dance floor. It's a God-given gift, like the ability to stop doing delicious meth after being unceremoniously kicked off of Kids Incorporated.

3. Thank heavens for "Grey Goose" - can you imagine having to find a synonym for "loose" that rhymes with "Popov"? Talk about dodging a lyrical bullet!

4. Also a fantastic idea to have a line that includes the words "spray your ass" and then have the following line contain the words "have a taste". Who would have thought that Fergie was a GG Allin fan? Certainly not yours truly!

5. All of this aside, I do have to give her serious props for having "the bass". I'm going to assume she means the fish, and I can tell you from experience, NOT an easy fish to catch. This also explains why she smells like a bait shop.

6. Oh, and according to the children's song, London Bridge doesn't go down...it falls down. The use of poetic license here is astounding. I feel challenged as both a songwriter, and a Bret Michaels impersonator. Seems like there's nothing left to do but urinate on myself and work on my tan.

Maggie

Friday, Sept. 22nd - The Freakin' Hott with Tenderfoot and Pyrojet at Respectable's in WPB, 18 and up, $5 cover, doors open at 8pm.

Saturday, Sept. 23rd - The Freakin' Hott with Tenderfoot and Zombies Organize! at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale, 21 and up, no cover, first band goes on at 11.