Blank-alicious?

Talk about slow news weeks! Thank goodness I was able to find the lyrics for Fergie’s new single “Fergalicious”, otherwise I’d be forced to discuss domestic policy or some other such nonsense. Lord knows I hear enough about that when I’m heading up the Ethics Committee behind closed doors of the Senate. BOR-ING. And I gotta tell ya, that Mark Foley is no feast for the eyes, especially since he had to quit teens cold turkey. Let’s move on to more important business. Here are the lyrics to Fergie’s new song. Let’s read them aloud, and then discuss why they’re the worst lyrics ever written in the entire history of the universe and beyond.


Fergalicious

Fergalicious definition make them boys go loco
They want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo
You could see you, you can't squeeze me
I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy
I got reasons why I tease 'em
Boys just come and go like seasons

Fergalicious (Fergalicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that shit is fictitious
I blow kisses (mmmwwahhh)
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So delicious (It's hot, hot)
So delicious (I put them boys on rock, rock)
So delicious (they wanna slice of what I got)
Fergalicious (t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty)

Fergalicious def-, Fergalicious def-, Fergalicious def
Fergalicious definition make them boys go crazy
They always claim they know me
Comin' to me call me Stacy (Hey Stacy)
I'm the F to the E, R, G to the I to the E
And can't no other lady put it down like me

I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness (oooh wee)
I put yo' boy on rock rock
And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

Baby, baby, baby
If you really want me
Honey get some patience
Maybe then you'll get a taste
I'll be tasty, tasty, I'll be laced with lacey
It's so tasty, tasty, It'll make you crazy

All the time I turn around always brotha's gather round always looking at me up and down looking at my
(uuhh)
I just wanna say it now I ain't tryin to round up drama little mama I don't wanna take your man
And I know I'm comin off just a little bit conceited and I keep on repeating how the boys wanna eat it
But I'm tryin' to tell, that I can't be treated like clientele
Cuz' they say she

So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Fergalicious, t-t-t-t-t tasty, tasty

It's so delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Fergalicious, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t (aye, aye, aye, aye)



1. Let’s go with the first obvious issue here. Fergalicious? As much as I enjoy the idea that a woman is confident and shows it in her songs, we’re not talking about confidence in anything worthwhile here. Confident in her alleged talent? No. Confident that she’s successful? No. Confident that just because she’s a woman, that doesn’t mean she has to constantly make people focus on her body? No. Confident that anal bleaching is covered by her insurance? Probably. The rest is up for speculation.


2. “I’ll be tasty, tasty, I’ll be laced with lacey”? Aside from the fact that this is just lazy songwriting, it immediately makes me think of Cagney and Lacey. And what could be sexier than being laced with Tyne Daly? Come to think of it, that might even be considered an improvement, or at least a distraction from the Wilson logo that’s stitched on F to the E, R, G the I the E’s face. I bet she’s superb with “fly balls”.


3. A HA!!!! Anyone else notice that she used both “treasure” and “aye aye”? Hello, Pirate? Before you get ahead of yourself, you should know that she’s not a pirate in the cool old-fashioned raping and pillaging sense of the word. She’s one of those modern pirates that has wooden boobs and colored contacts instead of a peg leg and an eyepatch. And instead of pirating ships, she pirates Clear Channel into playing her bullshit songs night and day.

4. I’m thinking of writing a song called “Maggavicious” where I brag about how I frightened a group of children out of their Halloween candy last year by telling them that Fergie licked all of the Fun Size Snickers Bars. A lot of people will tell you that kids today don’t know a thing about syphilis, but I can tell you right now, the mere mention of Fergie’s tongue-amoeba made them run for the hills. And then I laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed. Then I choked on the five Snickers Bars that I stuffed into my mouth as God exacted his revenge. Truth be told, it was still totally worth it.


M to the A, G, G to the I to the E