Et Tu, Firecrotch?
As you well know, I am the last person on Earth to defend the actions of Lindsay Lohan. If life has taught me anything, it's that she sucks.
That being said, and with my recent talk of under-used celebrity status, I was reading about how Lindsay Lohan has her bodyguard "shoo away" any women from her VIP table that she feels are better looking than her and it got me to thinking. What would I do if I were faced with such a situation? I don't think being "shooed away" would really get the job done, do you? It's a crazy botoxed rat race out there, and you have to be the best - and BEAT the best - if you want to win the attention of the likes of Steve-O and Nick Carter. Here's my plan for keeping these skele-vultures away from your table at Hyde in LA:
1. Keep a tape measure handy for use in determining the bust size of your fellow female party-goers. Anyone over a B-cup gets shot in the face with a cannon and left for dead in the alley.
2. Check ID's as they approach your table. Any women under 25 get acid thrown in their eyes and are then thrown into a nearby crocodile pit.
3. Inspect the tags inside their clothing. If she's wearing a more expensive outfit than you she gets a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris and is then covered in honey and tied to a tree next to a hive of Killer Bees.
4. Better dancer? She won't be after you set up that bear trap and dump a bucket of poison dart frogs on her head! Take that, whore!
5. There's no amount of competing sparkling and flirtatious conversation that can't be nixed with the help of our old friend "the piranha tank". It's as under-used these days as the term "firecrotch", and I for one think that's a damn shame.
Let's keep our eye on the ball here, people. New Hollywood is really starting to bore me. I might have to start reading the actual news again.
Maggie
That being said, and with my recent talk of under-used celebrity status, I was reading about how Lindsay Lohan has her bodyguard "shoo away" any women from her VIP table that she feels are better looking than her and it got me to thinking. What would I do if I were faced with such a situation? I don't think being "shooed away" would really get the job done, do you? It's a crazy botoxed rat race out there, and you have to be the best - and BEAT the best - if you want to win the attention of the likes of Steve-O and Nick Carter. Here's my plan for keeping these skele-vultures away from your table at Hyde in LA:
1. Keep a tape measure handy for use in determining the bust size of your fellow female party-goers. Anyone over a B-cup gets shot in the face with a cannon and left for dead in the alley.
2. Check ID's as they approach your table. Any women under 25 get acid thrown in their eyes and are then thrown into a nearby crocodile pit.
3. Inspect the tags inside their clothing. If she's wearing a more expensive outfit than you she gets a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris and is then covered in honey and tied to a tree next to a hive of Killer Bees.
4. Better dancer? She won't be after you set up that bear trap and dump a bucket of poison dart frogs on her head! Take that, whore!
5. There's no amount of competing sparkling and flirtatious conversation that can't be nixed with the help of our old friend "the piranha tank". It's as under-used these days as the term "firecrotch", and I for one think that's a damn shame.
Let's keep our eye on the ball here, people. New Hollywood is really starting to bore me. I might have to start reading the actual news again.
Maggie
posted by the freakin hott at Tuesday, June 20, 2006
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