The Reason You Suck at Life

Many people have grown up in the shadow of a overachieving sibling and become withering piles of emotional jelly that make Paul Reiser look like Vince Gallo. Many people spend years in therapy trying to climb out from under the weight of these confidence-shattering blood relatives only to find that they really do suck at life. With all of the Brangelina "Chosen One" news, can you imagine how worthless Woody Harrelson's new baby must feel? And they're not even related! I can only imagine the terrible tenth grade poetry this kid is surely going to write. What the hell? I've got time - let's make some up right now:


Locked in a world of "Cheers" reunions and Larry Flynt impressions
Dad blames the swollen egos of Ted Danson and Oliver Stone for his youthful transgressions
I have no one to blame, but my mother's careless womb
I've been to Brangelina's house
And Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has a WAY bigger room
So to you all the kids all across the land
Take it from me, hemp activist C-List celebrity parents just don't understand

Maggie