TV - It's Not Just for Transvestites Anymore!

Go ahead - say it. Say that you don't watch television. Ye who has a video/DVD collection that could fill the Library of Congress. Whether you like it or not, those count. Unless they're all "educational" films.

I am personally offended that you think so little of television, when I think of all the joy and important lessons that television has brought to us over the years. Okay, maybe not US. Me. Who cares about you?

I've learned that if you really dig a chick named Consuelo, that having Menudo at your birthday party is about the worst thing you can do to impress her. She'll end up being passed around that group like a pair of 28-inch-waist Jordache jeans and you'll be left to mop up their DNA once they hop on the next plane to San Juan, buckaroo.

I've learned that if you take a gunshot in the face, you can be re-made into David Hasselhoff. I wonder if that's a requirement?

I've learned that you can have two dads - and neither of them have to be gay. Well...maybe they did give into their latent tendencies one night over a bottle of white zinfandel and make sweet love on top of a couch that was shaped like the front end of a Chevy Bel-Air. Does it make them gay if they kept their eyes closed the whole time and imagined they were actually getting it on with Markie Post? This is all conjecture of course...I'm sure. Mmm-hmm.

I've learned that if you win two tickets from a radio station to see The Beach Boys in concert and can't decide which family member to bring with you, The Beach Boys will come to your house in a limousine and take your entire family to the show - and even let you come onstage and sing "Kokomo" with them while your uncle plays the conga drums. It's true!

But most importantly, I've learned that it takes different strokes to rule the world.

So you don't think television has ever had anything to offer? Poppycock! You just need to climb down off your foreign-film-horse, cowboy.

Maggie