Mentally Disturbed by The Bell

I know you're not supposed to reveal your birthday wish, so I've kept mum since my birthday a couple months ago, but now that my wish has come true, I'd like to share it with all of you. When I blew those candles out, I closed my eyes and wished the following:

"I wish Dustin Diamond would start dispensing sex advice on the internet."

There's a whole column on nerve.com, but I'm just going to post the most colorful segments:



Q: The girl I'm dating constantly brings up her ex in conversation. How can I get her to focus on the present?

A: You got to tap it so good that she falls asleep. If she doesn't fall asleep afterwards, you have no chance. Rock it to sleep, baby. My test is that I'll pop in a movie, but first get her down. If she can watch the movie afterward, I didn't do it right.


Q: My new girlfriend is coming over for the first time. What '90s movie should I rent to ensure that I get laid?

A: The girls I tend to go for like The Crow... [To his girlfriend, Jennifer] What do you think is a romantic movie to bone by? There weren't a lot of good humping movies in the '90s. What about Sliver? Sliver is good. [To Jennifer] We're going to watch Sliver and bone tonight. We're going to tear it up. You're going to hear bones crack.



I'll give all of you a moment to digest this dialogue, gargle with some Listerine, and swear off sex for all eternity.

Maggie

TOMORROW NIGHT, JULY 29th, COME SEE US WITH I AM STEREO AND THE FABULOUS SHUTTLE LOUNGE AT THE POPSCENE 3rd ANNIVERSARY AT DADA IN DELRAY BEACH! GET THERE BY 11PM!