Only The Wrong Shall Survive
Allright, so everyone's up in arms over this whole "ethnic" tribes thing on 'Survivor' this year. Personally, I think they could have come up with about a hundred more controversial and interesting ways to divide tribes. Let's discuss some of them below.
1. Conjoined Twins vs The Blind
Would contain lots of controversial clips of people falling off rafts and drowning while Jeff Probst gives his usual useless commentary about how they "weren't in it to win it". A+ for drama.
2. Paula Abdul vs Suspicious Pharmacists
Mostly clips of Paula rambling and slurring about how she needs enough tranquilizers to put down an elephant for her chronic pain stemming from a fungal nail infection while pharmacists fold their arms and say, "I'm going to have to verify this with your doctor." B- for the possibility of an on-air overdose.
3. Infants vs UFC Champions
The world is a cruel, hard place - and there's no better time to learn that then while you're being held in a headlock by Frank Shamrock. It's a good thing you're wearing a diaper, kid. A+ for "keeping it real".
4. Nicole Richie vs Natural Digestion
Nicole is left on an island abundant with food, but without any access to laxatives. Panic ensues. B+ for the possibility of an on-air ribcage collapse.
5. Nineteen Stoners vs A National Geographic Special on Honey Bees
This one doesn't really seem fair. D- for having to sit through hours of clips of total silence with the occasional "Duuuuuuude. Whoa."
6. Kevin Federline vs A Team of Urologists
Kevin will have to fight off a team of surgeons who are trying to give him a vasectomy at the request of everyone on Earth. A+ for tension, drama, and the possibility that he won't breed again.
7. Dave Navarro vs Album Reviews of His New Band "The Panic Channel"
Watch as Dave's overpriced eyeliner mingles with his tears as they run down his face while he peruses reviews that use the words "tired", "boring", "pointless", and (my favorite) "self-indulgent snorefest". A++ for obvious reasons.
Feel free to add some of your own, or to print out this blog and use it as a quick reference if you ever run into Mark Burnett.
Maggie
1. Conjoined Twins vs The Blind
Would contain lots of controversial clips of people falling off rafts and drowning while Jeff Probst gives his usual useless commentary about how they "weren't in it to win it". A+ for drama.
2. Paula Abdul vs Suspicious Pharmacists
Mostly clips of Paula rambling and slurring about how she needs enough tranquilizers to put down an elephant for her chronic pain stemming from a fungal nail infection while pharmacists fold their arms and say, "I'm going to have to verify this with your doctor." B- for the possibility of an on-air overdose.
3. Infants vs UFC Champions
The world is a cruel, hard place - and there's no better time to learn that then while you're being held in a headlock by Frank Shamrock. It's a good thing you're wearing a diaper, kid. A+ for "keeping it real".
4. Nicole Richie vs Natural Digestion
Nicole is left on an island abundant with food, but without any access to laxatives. Panic ensues. B+ for the possibility of an on-air ribcage collapse.
5. Nineteen Stoners vs A National Geographic Special on Honey Bees
This one doesn't really seem fair. D- for having to sit through hours of clips of total silence with the occasional "Duuuuuuude. Whoa."
6. Kevin Federline vs A Team of Urologists
Kevin will have to fight off a team of surgeons who are trying to give him a vasectomy at the request of everyone on Earth. A+ for tension, drama, and the possibility that he won't breed again.
7. Dave Navarro vs Album Reviews of His New Band "The Panic Channel"
Watch as Dave's overpriced eyeliner mingles with his tears as they run down his face while he peruses reviews that use the words "tired", "boring", "pointless", and (my favorite) "self-indulgent snorefest". A++ for obvious reasons.
Feel free to add some of your own, or to print out this blog and use it as a quick reference if you ever run into Mark Burnett.
Maggie
posted by the freakin hott at Friday, September 15, 2006
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