Sell Your Cooter While It's HOT!

Hi. How are you? That's great. How am I? ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED. Thanks for asking.

Ashlee Simpson has turned down Playboy Magazine's "alleged" offer of four million dollars. If you look at her management contract with her dad it probably specifies that the Jessica/Ashlee Jerk-Off Ratio should gradually increase in Ashlee's favor until Jessica's new album "drops" this August, then Ashlee will be swept under the bed again like so many crusty tissues and dog-eared copies of Cosmo that you stole from your dentist's office. I predict this four million dollar offer will be slashed down to about $1.25 by this time next year, which is fantastic, because I just LOVE a good vagina blow-out sale.

I wish they would break these offers down by the piece and actually put price tags on them in the pictures.

Face: $220,000
Old Nose: $4.15
New Nose: $500,000
Left Arm: $40,000
Right Arm: $60,000
Left Breast: $1,200,000
Right Breast: $499,990 (reduction due to what could be a nippular asymmetry)
Left Upper Thigh: $400,000
Right Upper Thigh: $380,000 (reduction due to ingrown hair)
Left Ass Cheek: $600,000
Right Ass Cheek: minus $600,000 (reduction due to "hygiene issues")
Vag: $1,000,000 (pending labiaplasty operation)
Toenails: $6.85 (Subject to toe-jam inspection)

They should totally hire me to run Playboy Magazine. I would turn that mother OUT.

Maggie