The Bitter Bitch 2005 Wrap-Up
Banned in 26 countries, feared by the famous and stupid, revered by Osmonds everywhere...it's time for the Bitter Bitch 2005 Wrap-Up!
1. Celebrity (?) Breakups: Nick and Jessica, Nicole Ritchie and That Guy, Nicolette Sheridan and That Guy Who Didn't Realize That She's Actually A Man, Brad and Jennifer, Girl-Paris and Boy-Paris, Tara Reid and Her Old Boobs, Jude and Sienna, Lindsay Lohan and Food of Any Kind, Britney Spears and Her Self-Worth, and myself and the Kool-Aid Man. Sugary bastard.
2. Fashion Trends: The Ugg Boot continued to be a mainstay in skank-fashion, as well as the sequined sack purse, pointy-toed flat shoes, those drapy tops that show your rapidly descending boobs, the visible thong at church, and - my favorite - the gauchos. My mother and I discussed gauchos just a few days ago, and she informed me that they used to be called "women's work pants" decades ago before women could wear pants in the workplace. Guess what? Our mothers fought throughout the 1970's so that YOU could someday wear pants all the live-long day, so ditch the gauchos, skank. You look like a manta-ray with a spray-on tan, you flappery, orangey freak.
3. Television: Desperate Housewives took a dive in the ratings, mostly because it's crap, but also because people began to grow tired of watching a bunch of skeletons romp around in terry cloth track suits and having indiscrimate sex with the help. My Name is Earl is the best new show on TV this year, even though Jason Lee's stock has been somewhat diminished in my eyes since I found out he is a rabid Scientologist, and therefore, an idiot.
4. Crazies: This brings us to Tom Cruise, who left planet Earth sometime in 2005 in favor of living with space people who approve of his continued rampant efforts to remain closeted at all costs. In a related story, Katie Holmes was impregnated via turkey baster.
5. Music: The Black Eyed Peas continued to stink up the charts, ripping off as many mid-to-late 80's artists as possible before actually morphing into a four-headed Stacey Q Voltron-type creature. Fergie continued to wet her pants on stage with reckless abandon, and make cameo appearances on television as a stripper, a hooker, a stripper who hooks, and a hooker who strips. Mariah Carey also made a comeback, despite the fact that nobody asked for it, wanted it, or even wished it upon their worst enemy. Many small mammals were harmed in the process.
6. The Freakin' Hott played shows with the likes of Velvet Revolver, Hoobasmell, The Black Crowes, and Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers in 2005...but actually had more fun playing with Humbert, John Ralston, The Sloppy High Fives, Timb the Ubiquitous, The Remnants, Two Story Double Wide, I Am Stereo, Truckstop Coffee, Catalonia, The Brand, and The Fabulous Dik Shuttle Lounge. I also purchased somewhere between one and twenty pairs of pink shoes at various discount shopping outlets, no pair of which look alike (despite those who would tell you otherwise).
7. Bandito grew pubes, after waiting almost 56 years for the hormones to kick in. Way to go!
I could really go on all day, but I have more pink shoes to buy that don't look like any of the other pink shoes I currently own.
Happy New Year!
Maggie
1. Celebrity (?) Breakups: Nick and Jessica, Nicole Ritchie and That Guy, Nicolette Sheridan and That Guy Who Didn't Realize That She's Actually A Man, Brad and Jennifer, Girl-Paris and Boy-Paris, Tara Reid and Her Old Boobs, Jude and Sienna, Lindsay Lohan and Food of Any Kind, Britney Spears and Her Self-Worth, and myself and the Kool-Aid Man. Sugary bastard.
2. Fashion Trends: The Ugg Boot continued to be a mainstay in skank-fashion, as well as the sequined sack purse, pointy-toed flat shoes, those drapy tops that show your rapidly descending boobs, the visible thong at church, and - my favorite - the gauchos. My mother and I discussed gauchos just a few days ago, and she informed me that they used to be called "women's work pants" decades ago before women could wear pants in the workplace. Guess what? Our mothers fought throughout the 1970's so that YOU could someday wear pants all the live-long day, so ditch the gauchos, skank. You look like a manta-ray with a spray-on tan, you flappery, orangey freak.
3. Television: Desperate Housewives took a dive in the ratings, mostly because it's crap, but also because people began to grow tired of watching a bunch of skeletons romp around in terry cloth track suits and having indiscrimate sex with the help. My Name is Earl is the best new show on TV this year, even though Jason Lee's stock has been somewhat diminished in my eyes since I found out he is a rabid Scientologist, and therefore, an idiot.
4. Crazies: This brings us to Tom Cruise, who left planet Earth sometime in 2005 in favor of living with space people who approve of his continued rampant efforts to remain closeted at all costs. In a related story, Katie Holmes was impregnated via turkey baster.
5. Music: The Black Eyed Peas continued to stink up the charts, ripping off as many mid-to-late 80's artists as possible before actually morphing into a four-headed Stacey Q Voltron-type creature. Fergie continued to wet her pants on stage with reckless abandon, and make cameo appearances on television as a stripper, a hooker, a stripper who hooks, and a hooker who strips. Mariah Carey also made a comeback, despite the fact that nobody asked for it, wanted it, or even wished it upon their worst enemy. Many small mammals were harmed in the process.
6. The Freakin' Hott played shows with the likes of Velvet Revolver, Hoobasmell, The Black Crowes, and Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers in 2005...but actually had more fun playing with Humbert, John Ralston, The Sloppy High Fives, Timb the Ubiquitous, The Remnants, Two Story Double Wide, I Am Stereo, Truckstop Coffee, Catalonia, The Brand, and The Fabulous Dik Shuttle Lounge. I also purchased somewhere between one and twenty pairs of pink shoes at various discount shopping outlets, no pair of which look alike (despite those who would tell you otherwise).
7. Bandito grew pubes, after waiting almost 56 years for the hormones to kick in. Way to go!
I could really go on all day, but I have more pink shoes to buy that don't look like any of the other pink shoes I currently own.
Happy New Year!
Maggie
posted by the freakin hott at Monday, January 02, 2006
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