The Art of Taking a Dive
Nobody ever wants to have to realize that they're not welcome in show business anymore. If they're able to stagger through the fog of fame and all of its illicit trappings, the day this realization comes is an ugly, crazy day. Here is a list of how to tell when it's officially over, and your agent should start looking for C-rated reality shows to book you on:
1. Ashlee Simpson collapsed at a concert in Japan over the weekend, and is being hospitalized under the diagnosis of "exhaustion". She was slated to perform at tonight's Radio Music Awards, but is now being replaced by Bo Bice.
2. If you will forever be referred to as "Jessica Simpson's Ex-Husband", you should probably just move to Toledo or something and pretend the last five years never happened. I hear the local Ace Hardware is hiring there.
3. If you can't walk down the street without people screaming "Fez! Fez! I love you, Fez!", it's probably time to hang it up. There is no glory in being the new Jamie Farr. Give me a call, Wilder. I'm sure I can get you a job on the WB, delivering carb-free donuts to the set of "What I Like About You". Oh, and let me remove those laces from your shoes before you start. I wouldn't want you to be tempted to hang yourself in Jennie Garth's trailer after she calls you "Klinger".
4. Tom Sizemore claims he, along with a few fleets of sailors, had "relations" with Paris Hilton years ago and caught it all on camera. Oh for Pete's sake. That might have been interesting thirty Paris Hilton sex tapes ago, so listen to me, Tom. It's over. I'm sure most of the scabs you gathered from the experience are long gone, and the faint memory of itching is trailing away as fast as your court-ordered anger management classes.
5. Oh, Madonna. Madonna. Madonna. Madonna. I know that we're all supposed to be impressed with how you "opened the door" for women in music. Why, before you came around all we had was people like Joni Mitchell, Joan Baez, Tina Turner, Karen Carpenter, Diana Ross, Linda Ronstadt, Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, Carole King, Debbie Harry, Joan Jett, Pat Benatar, Dusty Springfield, Ronnie Spector, and a few hundred other women who didn't have to publish pictures of themselves hitchhiking naked in spiked heels in order to "make it" in the music business. P.S. - You're embarrassing your children when you walk around in that leotard. We're all very impressed that you're almost 50 and don't have cellulite, but your over-developed hamstring muscles look amphibious, and it's really starting to freak me out.
I'm sure more will come to mind, but for now, I think you have a few things to chew on.
No shows this week, we're way too busy trying to create replicas of Summer's house on The O.C. out of gingerbread. Next week we'll be at The Marlin Hotel in South Beach on December 28th.
Maggie
1. Ashlee Simpson collapsed at a concert in Japan over the weekend, and is being hospitalized under the diagnosis of "exhaustion". She was slated to perform at tonight's Radio Music Awards, but is now being replaced by Bo Bice.
2. If you will forever be referred to as "Jessica Simpson's Ex-Husband", you should probably just move to Toledo or something and pretend the last five years never happened. I hear the local Ace Hardware is hiring there.
3. If you can't walk down the street without people screaming "Fez! Fez! I love you, Fez!", it's probably time to hang it up. There is no glory in being the new Jamie Farr. Give me a call, Wilder. I'm sure I can get you a job on the WB, delivering carb-free donuts to the set of "What I Like About You". Oh, and let me remove those laces from your shoes before you start. I wouldn't want you to be tempted to hang yourself in Jennie Garth's trailer after she calls you "Klinger".
4. Tom Sizemore claims he, along with a few fleets of sailors, had "relations" with Paris Hilton years ago and caught it all on camera. Oh for Pete's sake. That might have been interesting thirty Paris Hilton sex tapes ago, so listen to me, Tom. It's over. I'm sure most of the scabs you gathered from the experience are long gone, and the faint memory of itching is trailing away as fast as your court-ordered anger management classes.
5. Oh, Madonna. Madonna. Madonna. Madonna. I know that we're all supposed to be impressed with how you "opened the door" for women in music. Why, before you came around all we had was people like Joni Mitchell, Joan Baez, Tina Turner, Karen Carpenter, Diana Ross, Linda Ronstadt, Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, Carole King, Debbie Harry, Joan Jett, Pat Benatar, Dusty Springfield, Ronnie Spector, and a few hundred other women who didn't have to publish pictures of themselves hitchhiking naked in spiked heels in order to "make it" in the music business. P.S. - You're embarrassing your children when you walk around in that leotard. We're all very impressed that you're almost 50 and don't have cellulite, but your over-developed hamstring muscles look amphibious, and it's really starting to freak me out.
I'm sure more will come to mind, but for now, I think you have a few things to chew on.
No shows this week, we're way too busy trying to create replicas of Summer's house on The O.C. out of gingerbread. Next week we'll be at The Marlin Hotel in South Beach on December 28th.
Maggie
posted by the freakin hott at Monday, December 19, 2005
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