Aged, Thy Name is Webster

I felt old when the Olsen Twins starting humping Greek shipping heirs. I felt old when Sabrina The Teenage Witch had a baby. I felt old when that chick from 'Family Matters' started doing porn. I felt old when Anthony Michael Hall turned into David Caruso. I felt old when Ricky Schroeder got so freakin' ugly that I couldn't even stand to look at his face anymore without contemplating lesbianism. I felt old when Wilford Brimley hit on me and I actually considered it. I felt old when I publicly said, "What is this nonsense?" when I heard Kanye West for the first time. I felt old when I bought underwear that was sold in a three-pack. I felt old when I went to a used record store and only walked out with Rick Springfield's Greatest Hits.

Sometimes I actually say, "Music isn't as good as it used to be!" when nobody's around, then I take a shot of Metamucil, slip into a bedazzled Mu-Mu, put on some undereye wrinkle cream, and fall asleep watching 'Wheel of Fortune' with four cats sleeping on top of me. Then I wake up, catch ten minutes of an old re-run of 'Friends' and get really freaked out at all the casual sex that's still being promoted in this day and age. There's NO WAY Joey Tribbiani didn't at least have The Herp before he moved out to California to become a non-laughing stock of the sitcom spin-off crap factory. Sometimes...I even find Jay Leno amusing. All of this is fine and good, except for THIS:

I just read that Emmanuel Lewis, TV's "Webster" is 35. I'll pause for a few hours so you can fully take that in.

Maggie