The Freakin Hott

Hey There!

2007-06-21T10:46:00.000-04:00

Long time, no blog! I've been fighting a personal battle with the geniuses behind blogger.com, so that's why it's been THREE months since I've posted on here. I've still been posting regularly on myspace, so if you need to catch up you can go to www.myspace.com/thefreakinhott.

We've got a whole bunch of shows lined up, so here's the list:

Friday, June 22nd
10pm
Brogue's Irish Pub
Downtown Lake Worth

Friday, July 6th - with The Ubiquitous Timb and Zombies Organize!
11pm
The Poorhouse
Downtown Ft. Lauderdale

Saturday, July 14th
11pm
Dada
Downtown Delray Beach

Friday, July 20th - with Mike Dunn & The Kings of New England
11pm
Brogue's Irish Pub
Downtown Lake Worth

Saturday, July 21st - with The Dirty Boxes and The Creepy T's
11pm
The Mental Ward
Ft. Lauderdale

On a related note, I will be hospitalized for exhaustion starting Sunday, July 22nd. In lieu of flowers, please send burgers and tabloids.

Maggie

Something Worthwhile

2007-03-07T18:51:00.001-05:00

Quite frankly, I tire of your pedestrian surveys about my cellphone wallpapers and favorite dildos and such, so I've finally written my very own survey questions. If you're the kind of person who requires daily affirmation that you're funny (Hello Tony Snow!) then feel free to post your answers on our blog as a comment, and I will be pleased as Jonestown punch to grade your performance. Then you can go screw yourself, because while I am the Home of The Whopper, you cannot have me your way.

1. When was the last time you ate an entire box of Fig Newtons and blamed it on Kirk Cameron's wife because she's such a fat whore?

2. Name three reasons that humans require the existence of Anderson Cooper, WITHOUT immediately playing the "Not quite as morally reprehensible as jerking off to an ACTUAL Weimeraner on television" card.

3. True or False: I believe the children of Britney Spears are our future, and our future will be wearing 'do-rags on their respective twelfth birthdays that say "Give Me Head Til I'm Dead".

4. If you were General Sherman, would you have spared Atlanta, and why?

5. Describe Trent Lott's vagina, and find a way to include the terms "Partial Birth Abortion" and "Tintinnabulation" in your description.

6. Explain why Magic Markers and Magic Tape are magic, and why Pilot's 1970's hit "Magic" is not.

7. When was the last time you cried because I hate you?

8. What are you wearing right now that has NOT been stained by Harvey Fierstein?

9. Give at least two reasons to hate the less fortunate.

10. Have you ever murdered someone named Gary, or wondered if that stuffed jackalope at Longhorn Steakhouse was real?

11. Macaroni and cheese.

12. Soul Asylum provided neither soul nor asylum. Describe your vengeance.

13. Do I look fat in this?

14. Name two people who famously bonded over a conversation regarding the Alfonso Ribiero Breakdancing Mat.

15. Why do fools fall in love and then insist on breeding while conscientious, intelligent types just end up fingerbanging strangers at "Of Montreal" concerts and never speaking to one another again?

16. Describe the most recent time you laughed in the face of Satan, or (girls only) told your dad you were dating Ryan Seacrest in the hopes of waking him up out of a coma with his uncontrollable disbelieving laughter, or (guys only) caught gonorrhea from wiping with Jose Canseco's baseball glove from the 1991 All-Star Game, or (she-male porn actors only) made a sandwich.

17. Sex on a basketball today or tomorrow?

18. Dog is to wine bladder of lemur urine as Mary-Kate Olsen is to _______________.

19. A train leaves Chicago at 10:00PM Central Standard Time travelling at 60 miles per hour while another train leaves the after-party at Wilmer Valderrama's house at 10:48PM Pacific Standard Time travelling at the speed of balls. The train from Chicago makes a 7 minute stop in Des Moines, while the train from Wilmer Valderrama's after-party makes a 12 minute stop to check for sores. What time do Wilmer Valderrama's balls hit Mandy Moore in the face?

20. Just because flip-flops are made of leather and cost eighty bucks does not make them formal wear. Beg for forgiveness for your trespasses against fashion.

21. At what age did you realize that Screaming Cheetah Willies having a song on the radio was the first sign of the apocalypse?

22. I think Coldplay is as boring as a beige turd in a beige toilet. Convince me otherwise - while being as subjective as possible - because THAT certainly wouldn't be anything new.

23. Better on-screen death: Apollo Creed in Rocky IV or Tom Cruise's credibility in Mission Impossible III?

24. Have you ever gone to pick up your photos from Walgreens and when they said they weren't quite ready yet you started singing, "Someday, my prints will come...someday my prints will come" because you think you're so funny and then the guy behind the counter pulled out a gun and shot you for being such an stupid, lame asshole? Because somebody should.

25. Why isn't Matthew Sweet ever able to write more than two good songs on any given album? Seriously - it's baffling - and I want answers.

Maggie

Oh, and we're playing at The Poorhouse for St. Patrick's Day.

Here We Go Again

2007-02-07T17:39:00.000-05:00

No shows this weekend - but keep an eye out for the weekend of the 16th and 17th - more details to come. Here's a survey to hold you over:

Do you straighten your hair everyday?
I used to, then I found out that Nick Lachey actually likes curly hair, so I killed Andie McDowell and glued her scalp to my head. Now Nick thinks I'm almost tolerable to look at. Score!

Do you worry about the size of your boobs?
Not really "worry" so much as lay curled in a fetal position and cry 23 and a half hours a day about it. Then I spend the remaining half hour trying on padded bras and making martinis for my man.

What's your favorite girly magazine?:
Popular Low Self-Esteems

Would you kill for chocolate?
That would be silly. Unless you have some.

Jeans or skirts?
You'll have to ask my father what's appropriate for me to wear. I'm unmarried so I don't have a husband to pick out my clothes.

Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable?
I actually wear underwear that's made of that pink fiberglass insulation, but you get used to it after a while. What can I say?! I'm a girly-girl!

Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
Both. I spent all day getting pretty for Richard Marx, and all night getting ready for God to punish me for fornicating with a Repeat Offender. I guarantee nobody until 35, or anyone with decent taste in music for that matter, will get that one.

Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?:
Didn't everyone cry at the end of Epic Movie?

Would you leave the house without makeup on?
I would rather have hooks inserted into my back and be dragged behind the Orient Express while Five for Fighting serenades me from the caboose with that "I'm more than some pretty face beside a train" piece of shit song.

On a scale of 1-10, how fun is shopping?:
Not as much fun as taking on the Moroccan fire-eaters and contortionists at Epcot Center.

Are you a girly-girl, tomboy, or in the middle?
Definitely a girly-girl. I feel very poorly about my physique, and I'm not very smart, but apparently I give a really mean HJ if you're really drunk. I'm not without my talents.

Do you think lipgloss is the best?:
It's actually better than love, and only slightly more sticky. And it's WAY better than that cousin who hugs you just so he can be pressed up against your boobs.

Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
I don't freak out about anything - ever. Unless it's the season premiere of My Super Sweet 16, then I would systematically kill the whole town.

Do you obsess over your looks?
That would be silly. I let MEN obsess over my looks, and then I make surgical changes based on their input.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
It's a pretty long walk from Tom Wopat's house back to my place, so I have to do the whole sports-bra and running shoes thing, so about thirty minutes or so.

Accessories make the outfit; true or false:
I shop at Wal-Mart, so technically the Indonesian children make the outfit.

Would you rather get flowers at school or home?
I'd rather get them at the florist. They probably have a better selection than a school, and I already know I don't have any kind of selection at home.

Are you a sucker for skater guys?:
This one is actually too easy. I could never respect myself if I answered it.

Is pink truely the best color in the entire universe?:
Yes, because I've deemed it so. Hello?! I'm ME! And if I like something, then I must be right. Because I'm me.

who is your fav. Beverly HIlls 90210 character?
The condom that Dylan and Brenda used on Prom Night.

status?
The condom? Used? You're really stupid. We should be friends, because I'm not intimidated by you.

Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
I dated this one guy for six months and I was dressed as Ryan Philippe the whole time. He was way impressed...until the pants came off. That was, yet another, long walk home.

Do you often wish there was something you could change about yourself?
I suppose I would change everything. That seems like a popular, and healthy, answer. What do you think I am, conceited?

Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?:
Sure - here's one now:

Love is like a beautiful flower

Or a Nick Lachey golden shower

I like that song "All Along the Watchtower"

But Nick doesn't like it, so now I don't like it either

On a scale of 1-10, how much do guys confuse you?
Not enough to make me stop constantly trying to please them by pretending to be an idiot.

Do you worry/fuss about your weight?
Only when it's important, like when you're watching Deal or No Deal with your boyfriend, and those model chicks come on, and he looks at them and says, "Hey fatass, why don't you look like any of those model chicks? You should spend more time hustling up my laundry and less time hustling up Dunkin' Donuts munchkins, then maybe I could stand your physical appearance long enough to tell you that if you don't let me put it in your butt I'm going to get it somewhere else, like from your best friend Tina, she's got a hot ass." Otherwise, I don't think much about it.

What makeup could you NOT live without??
Pore spackle.

Maggie

The Good, The Bad, and The Laid

2007-01-31T21:34:00.000-05:00

Hey - look at that! The Freakin' Hott back at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale THIS SATURDAY, February 2nd with Trapped by Mormons and Los Diablos! We're going on second! No cover, 21 and up only, sex survey to follow:

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007?
I'm sorry, that's too personal.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?
Only if you consider Wilmer Valderrama's face to be public. It kind of is, now that they've built a Health Department right there on his upper lip.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?
Of course, but that's only because I was having some dental work done at the time.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?
I think it's a good thing to finish up with a hearty cry. Then he'll be less likely to send the unpaid root canal bills to collection.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?
Not really. I prefer to smoke a cigar at Wayne Newton's ranch and then go on an unprovoked killing spree in the hopes that Oliver Stone will make a glossy, yet plot-light, thriller about it someday. You know - chick stuff.

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?
Isn't that really what sex is all about? Well, regret AND a free sub on your tenth visit?

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?
Of course. But only for someone important, like the financial aid counselor at the University of Phoenix Online, or maybe DeVry.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE F*CK UP?
I prefer to discuss the newest innovation from "Hot Pocket brand" until Jim Gaffigan comes in. Then I lose my boner and call it a night.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX:
You mean like without a helmet and mouth-guard? What do you think I am, an idiot?

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Strictly.

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?
Listen, you can only turn Freddy from Silver Spoons down so many times. I'm only human. I had no idea he'd dine and dash with my heart, that son of a bitch.

12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME?
It's usually easier to play golf with four. Sex requires at least five partners to make it interesting, unless you're sleeping with a dwarf clown and/or Wilkins.

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?
Porn just leaves too much to the imagination. I like to pay hobos to blow each other right next to me while I'm having sex. I keep it reals.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?
Besides myself? No.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKE?
"The Condom"? You say that like there's only one. Just so you know, you're not really supposed to reuse those, unless you're having sex with someone who is both frugal AND hot.

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?
The Frugal Gourmet. Enough said.

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?
I'm saving it for the May Sweeps.

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW? ??
Brandon Tartikoff's corpse, me when I'm 80, Arnold Schwarzenegger's nostril in Total Recall, The Council on Foreign Relations, the month of June, flowers, a bag of Mint Milanos, Jordan Catalano, the bass player from Harvey Danger, and the keyboard player from The Brent Indeed Band.

19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE?
Possible? I was being nostalgic!

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?
I'm actually a little uncomfortable, what with the saddle being so tight and all.

21. Do you masturbate?
Sometimes, but only if the line at Publix is reeeeeeealy long and I have a National Enquirer to read while I'm doing it, and the cover story is "Stars with Cellulite - 24 New Pictures!".

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?
Not as much as I love complete and total anal destruction. Not mine, of course. Yours.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO?
Sure, but it's kind of hard with him being on the other side of all that razor wire. I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it is to toss his salad.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Strictly.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?
No. I've found much easier ways to get into Joey Greco's pants.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD?
Good for pleasure, bad for Jesus.

27. LINGERIE?
No thanks, I'm already wearing a monokini. It is Wednesday, after all.

WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX:
[ ] park
[ ] church
[ ] cemetery
[ ] school
[x] James Brown's coffin
[ ] parent's bed
[ ] your bed
[ ] car
[x] on top of a Pro-Life sign in Salt Lake City with Donny Osmond
[ ] picnic table
[ ] kitchen counter
[ ] couch/chair
[ ] dining room/kitchen table
[ ] woods (open and/or in a tent)
[ ] hood of a car
[x] while shaving a Yak and celebrating Boxing Day
[x] chinese take-out
[ ] bathroom
[ ] shower
[ ] the other person's bed
[ ] porch/deck/balcony
[ ] garage
[ ] in the street/alley
[x] on a pile of Eddie Murphy "Party All The Time" cassingles
[ ] in a house with parents home
[ ] at a party
[x] inside Geraldo Rivera's colon
[ ] on top of the washer/dryer
[ ] with other people in the room
[x] during a banjo solo
[x] while listening to the best of Gordon Lightfoot
[ ] hotel
[ ] concert
[ ] grandparent's house
[x] with a grandparent
[ ] field
[ ] bleachers (and under)
[x] while watching one of those Erik Estrada infomercials about all the great real estate in Arkansas and wondering where it all went wrong for him and then deciding that it doesn't really matter so long as I have enough orange-flavored Craisins to make it through an impending Ralph Macchio movie marathon

Maggie

Secret Confessions

2007-01-03T19:11:00.000-05:00

I have two secrets to share with you. One is good, the other is DISGUSTING.

The first secret is that we're playing at Brogue's in downtown Lake Worth this Friday, January 5th, at 10pm with The Remnants. 21 and up - and it's free.

The second secret is something that I've been trying to hide for a long time.

It's not always easy to admit to yourself that you have a problem, and thankfully, the new year has made me decide to reveal a shameful secret that's been plaguing me for a long time. A lot of times I feel like an outcast because of it. I hang my head in shame when the subject comes up, and hope that nobody notices, but the pain is too much to bear sometimes. I feel ashamed because I just don't have the willpower to conquer this thing that's gotten a hold of me, like I'm powerless against my own disgusting behavior. I've lost my friends in The Pussycat Dolls, my pals in the cast of NBC's "Las Vegas", and even my nearest and dearest true-blue buddy, Mary-KateNicoleLindsayAshlee because of it. I feel so alone.

Wow. This is harder than I thought. I guess I'll just come out and say it.

I...I......I do NOT have an eating disorder.

Please don't judge me. I judge myself harshly enough as it is every time I allow myself to eat regular meals, and even more harshly when I allow myself to digest said meals. Do you know what it's like to live like this? To have a perfectly good handful of french fries in my mouth and have to pretend like I just got punched in the jaw by Nick Carter when Paris Hilton comes walking up to me at Burger King? I might live in a prison made of forks and spoons, but you have no right to look down your sadly-unrhinoplastied nose at me...at least not when I can give you the number to a really good surgeon who can fix that thing for you, unless you planned on going through life dating the help. Helloooo?!!!

So, if you see me eating regularly, please, lend me a hand... or your toothbrush...and watch my purse while I'm in the ladies room.

Friends don't let friends eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not REAL friends anyway.

You make me sick, but not sick enough to throw this salad up, which makes me even SICKER.

Maggie

The 2006 Bitter Bitch Wrap-Up

2006-12-27T18:57:00.001-05:00

Before I get to the year-end wrap-up, I should mention that we will be playing New Year's Eve at Dada in Delray Beach with our favorite undead band (since Wild Orchid broke up) "Zombies Organize!". No cover, don't miss it, blah, blah, blah, yerass.

Ah, 2006. Where do I begin? Let's start with the blatantly obvious:

1. Fergie released a solo album that officially marked the death of pop music.

I can't really think of anything more notable than that, unless you want me to really dig deep and come up with some stuff about the "War on Terror", but I don't think you really want that sort of thing from me. I wouldn't want to ruin your image of me sitting on top of a stack of Star magazines while eating an entire box of Fudge Grahams and fretting about my nail polish and wondering where it all went wrong for Mickey Rourke's face.

Seriously - have you seen him the past couple of years? He looks like Tori Spelling but without "The Thing"'s jawline. Which reminds me, I'm sure you must already know that she's knocked up, seeing as the four horses of the apocalypse are hanging out in front of her OB/GYN's office. She actually makes my London Bridge want to go UP.

Maggie

The 2006 Bitter Bitch Wrap-Up

2006-12-27T18:57:00.000-05:00

Jiggle Bells

2006-12-20T18:58:00.000-05:00

The odds are pretty slim that you've been good enough to warrant a visit from Santa this year, so you might as well go down in flames.

The Rock 'n Roll Christmas Party is happening this Saturday, December 23rd, at The Culture Room in Ft. Lauderdale. Doors open at 9pm, lineup is as follows:

Kill Miss Pretty
The Freakin' Hott
The Livid Kittens
Dyslexic Postcards

Tickets are available for $5 through Ticketmaster or $7 at the door the night of the show. I will not be wearing one of those stripper Santa bras, I will however be wearing Jack Frost's disposition, if you're into that sort of thing. If not, I'm sure Wilkins will let you partake in his "nog" to help you get in the holiday spirit. By the way, he's renamed his pants "The Holiday Spirit", so you've been forewarned.

Eww.

And before you ask, I will be honoring the traditional mistletoe code, so long as I know who you are, you smell fairly clean, and I find you attractive. Merry Freakin' Christmas. ;)

Maggie

Advertising or Gynecology?

2006-12-12T20:13:00.000-05:00

I was originally just going to post this to tell you about the show we have coming up this Friday night at 9pm at Respectable's in downtown West Palm Beach with Wilderness of Tekoa and Mike Dunn and The Kings of New England, but then I realized I had a couple of other things to get off of my heavily-externally-fortified chest. Man, I feel like a woman. Shut up.

There's a special time in every young woman's life when she has to make choices for herself, and live with the repercussions of her choices, as a real live grown-up-type person. I've recently been struggling with such a situation myself, which has led to a mental tug-of-war with regard to my career - if this whole "music" or "bacon conoissour" thing doesn't work out - of course. Here are my choices:

Advertising is an non-stop thrill ride of pressure, failure, cow-towing to the wealthy and ignorant, and selling yourself (and humanity) out in order to pay for that lease you got duped into at the Hummer dealership when that lady cut in line in front of you and your kid at the playground. Get your girl on? Get your girl on, indeed, my friend...all the way to your coke dealer/babysitter/numerologist/Lindsay Lohan.

Gynecology, on the other hand, is a non-stop thrill ride of vaginas with problems.

You can see why I'm so conflicted, but a few minutes ago, the clouds parted and the rays of sunlight shone down on the perfect solution, not surprisingly, in this week's National Enquirer. I can't tell you how many times that publication has saved me a headache or two, not to mention that time it raced into that burning building and carried me to warm, strong arms of that guy who played the biker with the eye patch in the bar scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

That being said, I'm going to go into business selling ad space on Britney Spears's vagina. I'm going to call them "Vagin-ads". I figure it combines both of my fall-back career choices, and might even help me to overcome my fascination with Paris Hilton's penis.

Thank you for being a friend...National Enquirer.

Maggie

A Festival for The Menses

2006-11-10T19:28:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that it's been a while since I've updated the blog. You're thinking that I've abandoned waxing philosophical about the tabloid media in favor of paying attention to the actual media. You're thinking that I'm too upset about the demise of Britney and K-Fed's marriage to even form words. Like so many of you out there, I really thought those two kids would last through at least, what? Saturday? Early Sunday morning maybe? Se la vie.

I've been very busy doing very important things that you just couldn't possibly understand - like being a slave to the primetime lineup on CBS, bathing daily, and having a dream that someday I will judged based not on the content of my Spanx, but on the content of my character, or at least based on the fact that I can dominate anyone at any trivia game that revolves around the television career of Greg Evigan from the mid-70's through the early 90's.

We've got a bunch of shows lined up for the remainder of November and early December, so let's get to it and stop wasting everyone's precious BJ and The Bear watching-time:

November 17th
City Link Music Festival, Downtown Ft. Lauderdale
Revolution Outdoor Stage
11pm
No cover

November 24th
The Poorhouse, Downtown Ft. Lauderdale
with I Am Stereo and Zombies Organize!
11pm
No cover

December 9th
The Hollywood Playhouse, Hollywood
Hep Cat Boo Daddies CD Release Party
9pm
$10

December 15th
Respectables, Downtown West Palm Beach
with Wilderness of Tekoa and Mike Dunn & The Kings of New England
9pm
I don't know the cover yet. Hold your water.

That is all. Please file any grievances with the Customer Service Department at JByron's when you go to return your Cherokee stretch pants.

Maggie

Blank-alicious?

2006-10-23T09:05:00.000-04:00

Talk about slow news weeks! Thank goodness I was able to find the lyrics for Fergie’s new single “Fergalicious”, otherwise I’d be forced to discuss domestic policy or some other such nonsense. Lord knows I hear enough about that when I’m heading up the Ethics Committee behind closed doors of the Senate. BOR-ING. And I gotta tell ya, that Mark Foley is no feast for the eyes, especially since he had to quit teens cold turkey. Let’s move on to more important business. Here are the lyrics to Fergie’s new song. Let’s read them aloud, and then discuss why they’re the worst lyrics ever written in the entire history of the universe and beyond.

Fergalicious

Fergalicious definition make them boys go loco
They want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo
You could see you, you can't squeeze me
I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy
I got reasons why I tease 'em
Boys just come and go like seasons

Fergalicious (Fergalicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that shit is fictitious
I blow kisses (mmmwwahhh)
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So delicious (It's hot, hot)
So delicious (I put them boys on rock, rock)
So delicious (they wanna slice of what I got)
Fergalicious (t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty)

Fergalicious def-, Fergalicious def-, Fergalicious def
Fergalicious definition make them boys go crazy
They always claim they know me
Comin' to me call me Stacy (Hey Stacy)
I'm the F to the E, R, G to the I to the E
And can't no other lady put it down like me

I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness (oooh wee)
I put yo' boy on rock rock
And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

Baby, baby, baby
If you really want me
Honey get some patience
Maybe then you'll get a taste
I'll be tasty, tasty, I'll be laced with lacey
It's so tasty, tasty, It'll make you crazy

All the time I turn around always brotha's gather round always looking at me up and down looking at my
(uuhh)
I just wanna say it now I ain't tryin to round up drama little mama I don't wanna take your man
And I know I'm comin off just a little bit conceited and I keep on repeating how the boys wanna eat it
But I'm tryin' to tell, that I can't be treated like clientele
Cuz' they say she

So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Fergalicious, t-t-t-t-t tasty, tasty

It's so delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Fergalicious, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t (aye, aye, aye, aye)

1. Let’s go with the first obvious issue here. Fergalicious? As much as I enjoy the idea that a woman is confident and shows it in her songs, we’re not talking about confidence in anything worthwhile here. Confident in her alleged talent? No. Confident that she’s successful? No. Confident that just because she’s a woman, that doesn’t mean she has to constantly make people focus on her body? No. Confident that anal bleaching is covered by her insurance? Probably. The rest is up for speculation.

2. “I’ll be tasty, tasty, I’ll be laced with lacey”? Aside from the fact that this is just lazy songwriting, it immediately makes me think of Cagney and Lacey. And what could be sexier than being laced with Tyne Daly? Come to think of it, that might even be considered an improvement, or at least a distraction from the Wilson logo that’s stitched on F to the E, R, G the I the E’s face. I bet she’s superb with “fly balls”.

3. A HA!!!! Anyone else notice that she used both “treasure” and “aye aye”? Hello, Pirate? Before you get ahead of yourself, you should know that she’s not a pirate in the cool old-fashioned raping and pillaging sense of the word. She’s one of those modern pirates that has wooden boobs and colored contacts instead of a peg leg and an eyepatch. And instead of pirating ships, she pirates Clear Channel into playing her bullshit songs night and day.

4. I’m thinking of writing a song called “Maggavicious” where I brag about how I frightened a group of children out of their Halloween candy last year by telling them that Fergie licked all of the Fun Size Snickers Bars. A lot of people will tell you that kids today don’t know a thing about syphilis, but I can tell you right now, the mere mention of Fergie’s tongue-amoeba made them run for the hills. And then I laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed. Then I choked on the five Snickers Bars that I stuffed into my mouth as God exacted his revenge. Truth be told, it was still totally worth it.

M to the A, G, G to the I to the E

You Bitches Haven't Caught Those Cats Yet?

2006-10-13T14:38:00.000-04:00

In case you missed it, Kevin Federline was a guest "star" on CSI last night. He played a violent gang leader named "Pig". I guess he's trying to drum up publicity for his debut album "Playing with Fire" by stinking up network television. Here are two of his most brilliantly-delivered lines on the show:

"You bitches haven't caught those cats yet?"

"Man, you're weak, weak, weak, weak, weak."

He then proceeded to get punched in the stomach by a member of the regular cast. It was, perhaps, one of the greatest moments in the history of television. Truth be told, I would have preferred that someone pull out a flamethrower and incinerate everything but his trucker hat and then say, "Now THAT'S playing with fire! Word!" but I doubt they could have pulled Will Smith away from the production of his next movie "Kicky One-Liner After I Kill You". I know the first thing I would want to do after taking a human life would be to say something sassy to break the tension among the survivors. I'd use something original, too, like "I TOLD you no onions on that patty melt, bitch." or "I guess you're not so sexy anymore are you, Jesus?". And I would, of course, have one of those knife holsters strapped to my thigh in case Brad Pitt needed to fall in love with me or something.

Maggie

Tempest In A D-Cup

2006-10-12T10:34:00.000-04:00

The most notable thing about the release of a new Christina Aguilera album is the accompanying assault on my eyes every time I walk past a magazine rack. She must be doing photo shoots somewhere that’s like Africa-Hot because, for some reason, she’s wearing nothing but underwear on every magazine cover! Scandal! I guess having twenty pounds of saline on her chest really helps her get that “soulful” quality to her voice.

I know what you’re thinking - Hasn’t she recently made a claim that she’s done being “trashy”? That IS an interesting point. I’m going to stop calling you all of those horrible names behind your back.

Oh wait, I bet the underwear she’s wearing on the cover of Blender was really, really EXPENSIVE. Ha! I bet you didn’t think of that one, did you? I guess I’ll have to reconsider that whole “not calling you horrible names” thing, you TJ Maxx Slutbag Whore Pirate Douchebag Buttwipe.

I was planning to stop being “trashy” myself, but at the moment I can’t seem to afford anything but a three-pack of Hanes Her Way, which according to magazine standards, only qualifies me to display my junk on the cover of Big Booty Jump-Off Weekly, as published by the guy who played “Cockroach” on The Cosby Show.

I’m going to close today’s news bikini-brief by changing the words to Christina’s hit song “Beautiful”. You can sing along if you’re not too busy trying not to be the TJ Maxx Slutbag Whore Pirate Douchebag Buttwipe that you are:

I am beautiful
Since the surgeon’s had his way
Yes my natural B-cups couldn’t bring me down
I am beautiful
Now I’ve got Double-D’s
And we all know that translates to album sales

I need to work on my rhyming skills. I bet if my boobs were bigger, it would be a lot easier.

Maggie

Vegas Baby! (I Hate You.)

2006-10-10T09:25:00.000-04:00

CBGB's is shutting down this Sunday. In the thirty-three years of its existence, it cultivated and celebrated the New York rock 'n roll scene and put it on a world stage, and thrust bands like The Ramones, Talking Heads, Blondie, and countless others into the limelight. Unfortunately, their lease is up, their rent is no longer affordable, and they're closing their doors. BUT WAIT! Here's where it gets way, way, way more sad:

This is not the last we'll see of CBGB's because, that's right, they're moving the club to the Las Vegas strip (or rather Vegas Baby! to the average drunken skank). I can't imagine anything more offensive than to turn this institution into a Vegas sideshow. I'm sure they probably have an overpaid commercial artist working on recreating the graffiti and vomit stains as we speak. I can only hope they're going to resurrect Joey Ramone, reanimate his head, and attach it to a robot body to have him greet the bingo parlor dregs at the door and tell them about the mojito of the day.

In case you've never had the pleasure of visiting Las Vegas, let me tell you a little bit about what it's REALLY like. You've seen the commercials with the hot chicks in bikinis who crave your middle-aged wiener night and day, the high-rollers in the expensive Italian suits who randomly throw thousand dollar chips at total strangers for fun, the Elvis impersonators and showgirls you trip over every ten feet or so?

Doesn't exist.

I've seen more attractive people in line at the Golden Corral in Ocala. When I was in Las Vegas, the average group of tourists was a family of Weebles from Nebraska wearing matching fanny packs and visors pushing grandma in front of a slot machine and lighting her cigarette through her open tracheotomy hole so they could pull up a well-reinforced chair to the buffet trough and shovel chicken marsala into the mouth-holes of their slack-jawed faces without having to listen to grandma's neck-hole whistling. If I had been wearing stirrup pants and a tube top, I still would have been the best dressed person I saw there in seven days. I actually paid to get into one of those "exclusive" nightclubs after being carefully scrutinized by the door guy only to enter the club and find about fifty guys at the bar in Tommy Bahama shirts with big beer bellies and flip-flops smoking cheap cigars and throwing back half-priced well drinks like they were the handfuls of dead fish that get fed to the dolphins at The Mirage – WHICH, by the way, you have to pay five bucks to even SEE.

Oh, and the "World Class" shopping? Sure, if you call buying walking around the mall inside Caesar's Palace with an armload of bags from Claire's Boutique "World Class". I know they've gotten a little pricier since they added the "Stuff by Hilary Duff" Collection, so you'll have to forgive me if I seem a little out of touch.

Maggie

Quiz Time!

2006-10-05T08:19:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I like to fantasize that I work as an executive for Bath and Body Works. It gives me a little mental vacation from my reality of being an unpaid freelance bacon cheeseburger taster for Burger King.

What exactly do I do in this Bath and Body Works fantasy, besides rationalize charging ten dollars for a bar of soap? I like to imagine which kind of celebrities I could get to put their names on Bath and Body Works products. The obvious choice is Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon for a deodorant insole called "Dirty Boots", but I think that borders on pandering, and as you well know, I don't do pandering – or instant iced tea – but that's neither here nor there.

You know what? Let's leave the fantasy world for just a moment and quiz your Bath and Body Works knowledge. I'm going to give you a multiple choice test to see if you can guess which of these celebrities/items are "for reals" being rolled out by Bath and Body Works in the next few months:

A. Strawberry Alarm Clock's "Incense and Peppermints" Foot Massage Gelee'
B. Gerardo's "Rico Suave" After-Chest-Shaving Butter
C. Creedance Clearwater Revival's "Looking Out My Back Door" Spa Enema Kit
D. Jay Z's "99 Problems But An Itch Ain't One" Calamine Lotion
E. Elton John's "Candles in The Wind" scented candles.
F. The Groovenics "Booty Barn" Anti-Cellulite Creme

If you guess correctly, you will be entered into a drawing to win absolutely nothing…unless you call a right to display ultimate arrogant glory "nothing".

Like you have anything better to do.

Maggie

Ass to Mouth? No. Ass to Butt? HELL YES!

2006-10-04T08:47:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of things very important things going on in the world right now. Thankfully for you, I have no plans of addressing any of them today.

Orange City, Iowa movie theaters have taken it upon themselves to change the title of the "Jackass Two" movie to "Jackbutt Two" on their marquees. Aside from the fact that the title "Jackbutt Two" sounds like the title of the new alleged Dirty Sanchez-esque Screech sex tape, it's also really, really, really stupid. Did I mention that it was stupid, too? However, if we're going to change Jackass to Jackbutt, I think it would probably be a good idea if we started changing the names of other things in order to remove the "ass" from them because, quite frankly, when I take a really long, hard look at myself, all of the ass that's floating around these days IS starting to make me feel dirty.

Movies

Class = Clbutt

Mass Casualties = Mbutt Casualties

TV Shows

Lassie = Lbuttie.

Head of The Class = Head of the Clbutt.

Actors

David Hasselhoff = David Hbuttelhoff

Armand Assante = Armand Buttante

Musicians/Bands

Sass Jordan = Sbutt Jordan

Massive Attack = Mbuttive Attack

Lance Bass = Lance Bbutt (that actually sounds about right)

I think that not only are all of the above names and titles now greatly improved, but now we won't have to worry about casual teenage sex EVER rearing its ugly fornicating head again. It's gonna be all arithmetic homework at the malt shop and soapbox derbys from now on. And, no, you can't start using hair tonic until you are eighteen years old, mister!

Maggie

The ROCK Boat!!

2006-09-29T08:13:00.000-04:00

My calendar must be ten kinds of screwed up today, because I just read about a cruise called "The Rock Boat" that's featuring scorching performances by the likes of Sister Hazel, Better Than Ezra, and Collective Soul. It's funny, because I don't recall it being 1996, but somehow it inexplicably is! I guess I should take off these low rise jeans and get my Mudd high-waisters back out. And has anyone seen my lug sole pumps and my velvet t-shirt?

And, come on, "The Rock Boat"? I would let it go if AC/DC or Joan Jett and The Blackhearts were playing, but *Collective Soul? COLLECTIVE FREAKIN' SOUL???

I'd like to know what the majority of the passengers are going to look like, too. I bet there'll be more people wearing Fukengruven t-shirts than at a Nerd Convention for Dorks, or worse, a taping of MTV's The Grind.

*Off-topic but true story - my friend Anne won tickets to see Collective Soul at The Edge in Lauderdale ten years ago from 103.1 "The Buzz" and the tickets included a "Meet and Greet" session with the band before the show. We got our fine 20 year old selves all dolled up and waited in the green room for them to come in, with about as much anticipation as a person could have considering we're talking about Collective Soul here, and a bunch of short guys with thick Georgia accents came in, shook our hands, were totally polite, and even complimented me on my shoes. All in all, really nice guys.

What's the point, you ask? The point is that this little anecdote is one of the most humiliating stories I've ever told about myself. Getting dressed up to meet Collective Soul?! There are many, many more embarrassing ones, but I'll save them for another day. I'll give you a hint - one of them involves me jumping up and down with a Polaroid camera in a spandex dress at a Firehouse concert in 1991. Firehose, you say?

Sadly, no. FireHOUSE. Judge not lest ye be judged. Who am I kidding? I'm going to judge you no matter what. You should have thought about that before you left the house wearing gauchos and sequined mesh backless slippers.

Maggie

Rock Star: My Two And a Half Dads

2006-09-28T08:12:00.000-04:00

Just when you thought you'd heard the last of Rock Star Supernova, I have excellent news to share.

Remember when that whole courtroom battle thing happened when the television show "Rock Star Supernova" was in development, and the original punk band from California named "Supernova" sued producer Mark Burnett and CBS for using their name? Oh, you don't remember? You were probably doing something important like counting your gold coins on Warcraft or wandering the streets wondering where it all went wrong for Peter Scolari. Your life is really exciting. So anyway, the judge in the case decided that CBS could use the name "Rock Star Supernova" because it was a television show and not a band, however, he also ruled that no other "band" could use the name Supernova besides the original members of the California punk band Supernova. Got that?

This left Tommy Lee, Gilby Clarke, and Jason Newsted in a bit of a bind. What to name the new band? What moniker could best describe the joining of such unquestionable legends of rock and roll? Could mere words even begin to touch on the staggering genius of Gilby Clarke's hit and miss guitar work on the hit GNR album "The Spaghetti Incident"? How about Tommy Lee's work on Pamela Anderson's liver enzymes? And what about Jason Newsted's ability to make his face look like a catcher's mitt even while playing a power pop Butch Walker throwaway? Top of his game, people. Top of his game. I'm sure James Hetfield cries himself to sleep every night over losing him...while rolling on top of about a hundred million dollars in royalties.

I've spent the past week, up every night, pacing the hallways outside of my heavily-fortified panic room filled with Swedish Fish and cardboard cutouts of Richard Marx, wondering what could be done to solve this very serious problem. Just when I thought I could stand no more, I read a press release that saved my sanity and, potentially, my very existence.

This new band will not be calling themselves Supernova. The actual band name will be Rock Star Supernova.

This will ensure their success, well after the television show, seeing as their band name IS a television show. And by "success" I mean "complete and total failure". I can only hope this will open the gates to more of the same. I can't wait to change our band name to Two And a Half Men, although Wilkins is begging that we change it to My Two Dads.

No shows this weekend. Use that time to think about what you've done.

Maggie

Why You Hatin'?

2006-09-26T08:04:00.000-04:00

There are occasions when the celebrity news is as boring as Matthew Perry's comeback, and this is when I find myself waxing philosophical about waxing. Today's celebrity news is eons away from that fluff, or lack thereof as the case may be.

Kevin Federline, after finally landing a record deal, has decided to NOT include his (ha-ha) hit "Popozao" on his new (ha-ha) record. Instead he is recording a duet with his wife and Vessel of Trailer Spawn, Britney Spears. I Googled the lyrics and, sadly, there were none to be found, so I had to settle for making up my own.

Britney:

Boy you done planted me with your seed twice
I put a do-rag on the fetus so it don't get lice
My fame is so old that it's covered in rust
But I'll take a lick just in case it's Cheetoh dust
Word
Uh Huh
Get Busy
Why you hatin'?

Kevin:

I love you Birtney
Do you love me
Cuz I put a new Ferrari on your Visa-Vee
I can give you things that money can't buy
(But that's mostly because I have no money)
Girl, you is FLY!
Gimme your heart and I'll give you my rhymes
You can polish my bishop while I polish yo' dimes
Word
Uh huh
Get Busy
Why you hatin'?

Britney:

I gave you two sons and you gave me the bills
I'll be taking TrimSpa if I can finance the pills
My bank done called and said I'm overdrawn
Cuz you been buying loops at K-mart like the day is long
Word
Uh huh
Get Busy
Why you hatin'?

Kevin:

I love you Birtney
Do you love me
I gots a George Foreman Grill off the QVC
You can give me things that money do buy
The total cost with shipping foty-fo' ninety-five
Gimme a million and I'll bring you the change
Gotta stop at CVS to buy some cream for this mange
Yo when did Neosporin cost a brotha ten grand
I guess the rest of your change musta fell out my hand
Word
Uh Huh
Get Busy
Why you hatin'?

Maggie

Integrity...and Your Cooter

2006-09-25T14:39:00.000-04:00

It makes perfect sense that Scarlett Johannsen is discussing, at length, her recent Brazilian wax. I mean, come on. She's in MOVIES for crying out loud! It stands to reason that she would be publicly discussing her personal pubic grooming habits. It makes SENSE. It's like that time I called that press conference to alert the media that I had the Burger King logo airbrushed on my thighs. Doesn't the public DESERVE to know such information? And, hey, why wait for Barbara Walters to confront you with the subject? Just fax a scanned copy of the hairy, used wax muslin strips to your publicist's office and they'll take it from there!

Okay, I'll play the Devil's (Food) Advocate here and pose the following: Don't you think that this information is WAY too personal, is none of anybody's business, and threatens any kind of integrity one has managed to garner in their career?

I'd really love to dig much deeper on the subject, but I have a Yoo-Hoo colonic appointment at 3:00 that I have to get to. I'll post the pictures and audio later.

Maggie

We had a fantastic time this weekend with Zombies Organize!, Tenderfoot, and Pyrojet. Thanks so much to the bands and to everyone who came out. We'll do it again real soon!

Hungry Eyes

2006-09-22T08:52:00.000-04:00

Super-Appropriate-Dad Joe Simpson is planning on further exploiting Jessica Simpson's proclaimed "Double-D's" by opening a chain of restaurants called "Daisy Dukes". Here's the part where I make up the menu:

Appetizer:
Steamed Breast Wontons - soft, doughy cushions filled with all white meat chicken and drizzled with honey-ginger mamma-lade and garnished with incest shavings. Add $1 to substitute "Pork".

Entree:
Bitchin' Rack of Ribs** served ON the glass with a side of Hush Sweater-Puppies and a naughty, naughty pickle spear called "The Big Joe" that keeps "accidentally" falling onto your lap
**Moist Towelette in the shape of panties included

Dessert:
Coconut Milk Pillows with Cherr...you have a boner for your daughter.

Maggie

THE FREAKIN' HOTT WILL BE "SERVICING" YOU ALL WEEKEND LONG!

Friday, Sept. 22nd - The Freakin' Hott with Tenderfoot and Pyrojet at Respectable's in WPB, 18 and up, $5 cover, doors open at 8pm.

Saturday, Sept. 23rd - The Freakin' Hott with Tenderfoot and Zombies Organize! at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale, 21 and up, no cover, first band goes on at 11.

Wild Orchids Couldn't Drag Me Away

2006-09-21T08:24:00.000-04:00

I remember the good ol' days, when Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" was the worst song I'd ever heard. And as terrible as it was, with the recent release of Fergie's solo album, I now find myself longing for the days when the lyrics were shit AS WELL as the shit was bananas. B-A-N-A-N....I can't even bring myself to write it. It just hurts too much.

Without further adieu, here are the lyrics to Fergie's "London Bridge". We'll discuss some key points after the presentation.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
When I come to the clubs, step aside
Pop the seeds, don't be hating me in the line
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine
I'm Fergie Ferg
Give me love you long time

All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
Because you know what, I don't give a fuck
So here we go!

[Chorus (x2)]
How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London want to go down
Like London London be going down

Drinks start pouring
And my speech start slowing
Everybody start looking at you
The Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose
Now I wishing that I didn't wear these shoes
It's like everytime I get up on the dude
Papparazzi put my business in the news
And I'm gonna get up out my face (oh, shit)
Before I turn around and spray your ass with mace (oh, shit)
My lips make you want to have a taste (oh, shit)
You got that? I got the bass

I'll give you a second to get out your notebooks...

1. I think it's a good idea to start a song off by saying "Oh shit" a few times, mostly because it makes you sound really smart. Plus, you throw a few more "Oh shit's" at the end and - BAM! - instant lyrical cohesion.

2. I, too, am a lady despite my penchant for dancing like a ho. And not giving a fuck? You can't buy that kind of class on the dance floor. It's a God-given gift, like the ability to stop doing delicious meth after being unceremoniously kicked off of Kids Incorporated.

3. Thank heavens for "Grey Goose" - can you imagine having to find a synonym for "loose" that rhymes with "Popov"? Talk about dodging a lyrical bullet!

4. Also a fantastic idea to have a line that includes the words "spray your ass" and then have the following line contain the words "have a taste". Who would have thought that Fergie was a GG Allin fan? Certainly not yours truly!

5. All of this aside, I do have to give her serious props for having "the bass". I'm going to assume she means the fish, and I can tell you from experience, NOT an easy fish to catch. This also explains why she smells like a bait shop.

6. Oh, and according to the children's song, London Bridge doesn't go down...it falls down. The use of poetic license here is astounding. I feel challenged as both a songwriter, and a Bret Michaels impersonator. Seems like there's nothing left to do but urinate on myself and work on my tan.

Maggie

Friday, Sept. 22nd - The Freakin' Hott with Tenderfoot and Pyrojet at Respectable's in WPB, 18 and up, $5 cover, doors open at 8pm.

Saturday, Sept. 23rd - The Freakin' Hott with Tenderfoot and Zombies Organize! at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale, 21 and up, no cover, first band goes on at 11.

You Know What Time It Is...

2006-09-20T08:33:00.000-04:00

Seeing as I'm just getting over a cold, I thought this would be a good time to bring up the following grievance:

The word you're looking for is LOZENGE.

What'd you say? Right, right. Lozenger.

Do you SEE the letter 'R' in the word LOZENGE???

And furthermore, the word Lozenge actually means "oval". Does "Ovaler" make sense to you?

And while we're at it, the other word you're looking for is SUPPOSEDLY. Supposably is not a word. Of course, neither is "Assface", but that's not going to stop me from calling you one.

And while we're at THAT, I believe the term for which you're reaching for is "I Could NOT Care Less". Saying "I Could Care Less" means that you actually still care.

And for the last freakin' time, YOUR DOES NOT EQUAL YOU'RE.

Now get back to work, and figure out what YOU'RE going to wear to see The Freakin' Hott this Friday at Respectable's and Saturday at The Poorhouse. You will be graded on this assignment.

Maggie

Mosh Spice

2006-09-18T09:56:00.000-04:00

When I was sixteen years old, I wrote a song about "moshing".

That's it. The blog's not getting any funnier from there.

Okay, as true as that is, I'm in a rambling kind of mood so I thought I'd admonish some of my former loathings of their youthful sins against music. If someone had offered me a record deal at the ripe old age of eighteen, I'd have turned out a bunch of crap music too. I remember the first time I heard Alanis Morrisette's "Jagged Little Pill" and how depressed it made me that such a horrific album could go platinum eleven times over. Then came Jewel - same story. And as much as I still dislike their first AND subsequent efforts, in my ever-crotchety state of oldness, now I find myself kind of giving them a pass for being too young to have been thrust into the spotlight like that. (I always gave Fiona Apple a pass because I thought she turned out some really great stuff at a really young age, but even she has confessed to regretting the choices she allowed others to make for her during her rise to fame.)

I suppose the record industry is similar to dating a much older man: Creepy, controlling, exploitative, predatory, and really interested in what you can do to make their pants tight - be it with money or sex (and often times both, I'm looking at you Glen Ballard).

When I was eighteen, all I wanted in the world was to record albums and go on tour, and every day I didn't do something about it I felt like I was living the wrong life, but looking back now, I'm so thankful that nothing happened back then. In my post-high school state of mind, looking desperately and ironically to have my voice heard, I could have been talked into anything if the words came in the form of flattery and promises of validation.

A lot of people ask us what our goals our for the band, seeing as we're slightly older than eighteen now, and whether or not we're trying to "make it" and that kind of nonsense, and our answer is always the same: If something happens, that's great, but if this stops being fun and becomes a stressful "business", we're not interested. I think that's why we don't pound the pavement and knock on doors trying to "land" a deal. We always tell people it's because we're so lazy, but in the end I think it's just that we're too afraid of losing what we've got going, even if it's going nowhere. Rollercoasters don't go anywhere either, but it doesn't mean they're not worth riding.

If you'd like to ride the snake to the lake with us this weekend, we're playing this Friday the 22nd at Respectable's in West Palm Beach with Tenderfoot and Pyrojet. It's 21 and up, $5 cover, doors open at 8pm. Saturday the 23rd we'll be at The Poorhouse in Fort Lauderdale with Tenderfoot and our new favorite undead band Zombies Organize! No cover, doors at 10pm.

Ride the snake to the lake. Thank God I'm 30 - now I can fully realize how much Jim Morrison sucks.

Maggie

Only The Wrong Shall Survive

2006-09-15T09:47:00.000-04:00

Allright, so everyone's up in arms over this whole "ethnic" tribes thing on 'Survivor' this year. Personally, I think they could have come up with about a hundred more controversial and interesting ways to divide tribes. Let's discuss some of them below.

1. Conjoined Twins vs The Blind
Would contain lots of controversial clips of people falling off rafts and drowning while Jeff Probst gives his usual useless commentary about how they "weren't in it to win it". A+ for drama.

2. Paula Abdul vs Suspicious Pharmacists
Mostly clips of Paula rambling and slurring about how she needs enough tranquilizers to put down an elephant for her chronic pain stemming from a fungal nail infection while pharmacists fold their arms and say, "I'm going to have to verify this with your doctor." B- for the possibility of an on-air overdose.

3. Infants vs UFC Champions
The world is a cruel, hard place - and there's no better time to learn that then while you're being held in a headlock by Frank Shamrock. It's a good thing you're wearing a diaper, kid. A+ for "keeping it real".

4. Nicole Richie vs Natural Digestion
Nicole is left on an island abundant with food, but without any access to laxatives. Panic ensues. B+ for the possibility of an on-air ribcage collapse.

5. Nineteen Stoners vs A National Geographic Special on Honey Bees
This one doesn't really seem fair. D- for having to sit through hours of clips of total silence with the occasional "Duuuuuuude. Whoa."

6. Kevin Federline vs A Team of Urologists
Kevin will have to fight off a team of surgeons who are trying to give him a vasectomy at the request of everyone on Earth. A+ for tension, drama, and the possibility that he won't breed again.

7. Dave Navarro vs Album Reviews of His New Band "The Panic Channel"
Watch as Dave's overpriced eyeliner mingles with his tears as they run down his face while he peruses reviews that use the words "tired", "boring", "pointless", and (my favorite) "self-indulgent snorefest". A++ for obvious reasons.

Feel free to add some of your own, or to print out this blog and use it as a quick reference if you ever run into Mark Burnett.

Maggie

Bungled Fever

2006-09-14T08:34:00.000-04:00

I, like most people, was brimming with idealism in my early 20's. I had so many ideas on how to fix the world's woes that I became really obnoxious to everyone over the age of 30, who would just roll their eyes at me and say, "Uh huh. Whatever." One of my ideas was about ending racism. I theorized that if people of different races just kept mixing and mixing and mixing that eventually nobody would know what race they were anymore, making racism a non-issue. Sounds like a good plan, right? And you thought my early 20's were just about being a power pop Tawny Kitaen, ready to roll around on the hood of Superdrag's touring van in my Contempo Casuals underpants at a moment's notice. Shame on you.

I'm happy to say that I've recently met a person who embodies this idea, but instead of the whole "mixing" thing, she's chosen to have the worst fake tan I've ever seen in my entire life. Absolutely no one can tell what race she is, so I guess that makes race a non-issue. The rusty orange color, the purpleish freckles on her leathery chest, the strangely enlarged pores, the reverse-raccoon white circles around her eyes, the bleached-out sun spots on the tops of her arms. I tell ya, it's a good thing she spends so much time in a tanning bed, otherwise she'd run the risk of looking "unhealthy". And all she has to do it lay in a fungus-filled bacteria-laden tanning bed for ten minutes! When I wanted that nice ruddy orange color back in the day, I had to leg-wrestle the drummer from Slaughter on a baseball diamond in the nude during a taping of MTV's Rock and Jock Softball Spectacular. Nowadays I'm lucky if I get a chance to stick my hand under the heat lamp at Chick-Fil-A for five seconds while I flirt with the assistant manager named "Chip" in exchange for free waffle fries.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, racism is bad.

Maggie

No shows happening this weekend. Next show is Friday, Sep. 22nd at Respectable's with Tenderfoot and Pyrojet.

Judas Federline?!?!?!

2006-09-11T21:56:00.000-04:00

I don’t have nearly the patience I did ten years ago. When I’m writing something, say a blog, or some song lyrics, or a threatening letter to my super secret Phen-Fen/Dexatrim colon irrigationist about her not-so-gentle touch as of late, if it takes me more than ten minutes I generally throw it across the room and start shouting obscenities at the television for distracting me with upcoming scenes from the next episode of TJ Hooker while Aaron clamors with the cats into the corner in terror and soothes his nerves by eating cobwebs and Cool Ranch Doritos that I dropped on the floor at an earlier date. This is why we were all so grateful that I witnessed a human being so vile, so disgusting, so ass-baggish that I was able to write a way-too-long blog in my head in the first five seconds that I looked at him. Strap yourself in.

I was walking in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, minding my own business while talking shit about most of you behind your backs, when I heard some horrid techno from the early 90’s coming closer and closer. I think it was actually “Planet Soul”, which makes it even more horrific, but the real horror hadn’t truly even begun yet. As the obnoxious sports car that was spewing this wretched crap got closer, I actually smelled the driver's cologne - FROM THE SIDEWALK.

He parked his assbag mobile and shuffled towards me with an exaggerated white boy “pimp limp” that made 50 Cent look like Andrew McCarthy in prep school on a tennis scholarship. He was wearing a nylon warm-up suit with the sleeves ripped off, exposing his assortment of barbed wire and pit bull tattoos. The top was zipped down to his belly button so he could flaunt his nipple rings and glittery chest. (I’m not kidding. There was glitter on it.) His camouflage-print hat was turned a notch to the side to show off his overly sculptured Jesse Metcalfesque eyebrows that framed his dullard eyes like caterpillars. In short, he looked so much like Kevin Federline that I found myself clutching my wallet and putting on a dress made of lead to protect my reproductive organs. Gucci tinted sunglasses at night? Check. Spray on tan? Check. Vacant look with accompanying smirk? Check. General uselessness as a human being? Check. Leather and metal-studded arm band that went from wrist to elbow? Check.

Wait a second.

I know. I was thinking the same thing. Where does THAT garment come into play? I was so confused by this accessory, I had to follow him to see if I could make sense of it all. Here’s what I observed:

1. Seven utterings of the word “dope” as an adjective.

2. Two tonguey faces made at passing girls. Apparently he thought the Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch video for “Good Vibrations” was an instructional video.

3. Actually giving “attitude” to his shoelace by throwing his arms out to the sides and saying, “Yo. Whuz up with THAT?” when it came untied.

4. Me seriously contemplating just serving the damn jail time in exchange for hitting him in the back of the head with a rock. Or was it a coconut? Wait. It was a Pontiac. That’s right. A Pontiac to be followed shortly by forcing him off a bridge. Into water full of broken glass and floating diptheria. And sharks. With herpes.

Sadly, I came to no conclusion regarding this out of place garment. None. Am I missing something? What is it?! I HAVE TO KNOW.

You wanna know why people say life isn't fair? THIS IS WHY RIGHT HERE.

Maggie

Girl, Your Fetus is Smokin'!!

2006-09-10T13:59:00.000-04:00

If you truly know me, then you know that I love Wham, bacon cheeseburgers, and making fun of TMZ.com. It's the worst celebrity gossip page on the planet, besides BrentIndeed.com.

I feel that - as shitty as they usually are - they've really topped themselves this week. They had their crack team of photoshoppers (poorly) generate images of what they think Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and Suri Cruise will look like when they're 18 years old and then posted a poll box as to which infant YOU think will be hotter when they grow up. I only wish they would have taken it one step further by giving us their estimated cup sizes, and how many mojitos it will take to get them to give a lap dance to a sweaty, balding 45 year old Wilmer Valderrama on the promise that he'll get them a walk-on role of the 4th wave revival of "That 70's Show - The Musical!" starring himself and Tommy Chong's corpse.

What's next? Are we going to start stealing sonogram photos of celebrity babies and studying them for "future hotness", or should we just start harvesting the egg and sperm from the celebrity couple before they even do it so we can make sure only the best looking sperm make it through that troublesome ovum membrane? Even better - let's forbid celebrities from even dating each other unless they're genetically predisposed to deliver spawn with high cheekbones and a bitchin' rack. Any dissenters will be forced to get a man-boob face scrubbin' by John Travolta, or be forced to listen to Val Kilmer talk about how the spirit of Jim Morrison has inhabited his body since the first day of filming on Oliver Stone's "The Doors".

Believe it or not, the man-boob face scrubbin' is the lesser punishment.

Maggie

Devastatin' Dave - The Inflated Ego Slave

2006-09-08T09:50:00.000-04:00

I'm quite disheartened to report that Dave Navarro is no longer "dating" Jenna Jameson. I really thought those two had what it takes to last, but it seems Dave isn't looking to settle down anytime soon, especially with someone who's spent the majority of their adult years having sex with people on camera for money. There's almost nothing you can say to console me, so please don't try.

I said "almost nothing".

Dave Navarro is now allegedly dating Playboy's Miss June 2006, Stephanie Larimore. In the traditional fashion, her "spread" notes her turn-on's and turn-off's. Here's a few of the turn-off's:

1. Arrogance
2. Materialism
3. Shallowness
4. Bad hygiene
5. Drug use

I am so glad Dave Navarro has never displayed any of these characteristics, except for all of them. Kudos, Stephanie. You've found your anti-dream man, and I use the term "man" loosely. It's a lot easier to type out "man" than "The Great Irrelevant Shirtless Pumpkin-Headed Wolverine Ego Train of Poorly Manicured Vaginal Disasters Sponsored By Hot Topic". You understand I tend to be lazy.

No shows this weekend - go see John Ralston at Respectable's in West Palm Beach on Saturday, September 9th. He's good people.

The Freakin' Hott's next show is happening September 22nd at Respectable's. Hold your water.

Maggie

Odor in The Court!!

2006-09-07T09:59:00.000-04:00

Well now this story doesn't even make any sense.

Paris Hilton was arrested last night and charged with driving under the influence of alcohol. Am I the only one who finds it difficult to believe that this is the only thing she was charged with? How about some charges for ruining humankind, music, and the genital health of thousands of "suitors"? I would say that they should toss her into a cell with Saddam Hussein or which ever Number 2 Commander from Al-Queda they caught this week but, from what I understand, that would go against the Geneva Convention. I guess you're not allowed to deliberately infect prisoners with herpes, and I'm pretty sure that having to listen to an acapella version of "Stars Are Blind" constitutes torture, so that's out. I suppose at the very least they could force her to look at those pictures of Lindsay Lohan's hoo-hah that surfaced on the internet yesterday. That seems like a fitting punishment.

I won't post the vag pics here, but you can check them out at:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v36/allhailme/blogposts/090606_lindsaycrotchBG.jpg

Make sure you take your 3-D glasses off before you look. Your optic nerves could be damaged.

Maggie

Get Your Fash-On! I Hate You.

2006-08-30T18:22:00.000-04:00

Old Navy: To You, I Say No

I say no to the brown leather jacket with the ruffled leather collar and the string-tie closure at the middle that greeted me at the door. I could have sworn it cried out, "I am the love child of AC Slater's bomber jacket and Jessie Spano's ruffled poet blouse.", but I had also drank a lot of codeine cough syrup at that point, it being Wednesday and all.

I say no the striped formal cuffed shorts that will never be worn by anyone who's actually able to pull that look off. I'm looking at you, Tori Spelling.

I say no to the corduroy newsboy caps for women, because they're corduroy. And newsboy caps.

I say no to the jersey knit WHITE GAUCHOS that didn't even have the decency to be on the clearance rack. There they were, right in the middle of store, unreduced in price and unashamed.

Lastly, I say no to the ultrasuede MID-CALF FUCHSIA SLOUCH BOOTS WITH THE WEDGE HEEL that jumped out from around the corner of the business casual aisle and simultaneously kicked me in the face with their hideousness while pinning me to the ground until I submitted to the demons of classic American design brought to life by the nimble fingers of Indonesian children.

It was enough to almost make me hack up the delicious pretzel-dog I had purchased from Auntie Anne's just an hour earlier.

I departed Old Navy and walked down to Claire's Boutique, but that's another story for another day.

Maggie

Your Mom is STACKED!

2006-08-23T12:37:00.000-04:00

I realize I was supposed to write about Kevin Federline's "performance" on the Teen Choice Awards, but what more can you say than, "Wow. What a shit-fest."

Moving on, Britney Spears proudly introduced his performance while apparently carrying two gigantic melons that were pushed up under her chin. I know the first thing I want to be able to say about a pregnant woman is, "Would you check out the gazongas on that mom!". I'm not saying she has to dress like a pilgrim, but I think there should be a five inches of cleavage limit once you're 34 weeks along or so.

I only wish I could meet this child a couple of decades from now to tell him how bitchin' his mom's rack was when she was knocked up with him because, seriously, who doesn't want to hear about their mother's luscious sweater puppies? I'd also let him know that he hasn't seen his father in ten years because he's probably doing time for running one of those Nigerian internet scams after his 12th self-financed album ends up in the dumpster after failing to make a splash on the dollar rack at Big Lots, but that's only because I believe in total honesty.

Maggie

Come see The Freakin' Hott this Friday at Brogue's in Lake Worth with Noble Rocket! No cover, strictly 21 and up, and get there at 10pm! We're going on first!

The Teen Choice Awards, Tom Bosley, and You

2006-08-22T11:02:00.000-04:00

I took a break from blogging so I could properly prepare myself for this past Sunday's "Teen Choice Awards" and, although my therapist is against it, I'm ready to talk about it.

The awards show was a two hour teenage girl screamfest with a bunch of "stars" that I'd never heard of, a poorly lip-synced performance by Rihanna, and some of the most uncomfortable dialogue in the history of the universe between Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. Her comedic timing is about as sharp as a sack of ass implants, and her near-illiteracy was more than evident as she struggled to read anything off the teleprompter. I'm also convinced that she has actual Chiclets for teeth. Dane Cook looked as though he would rather die than spend one more second next to Frau Dickinmouth, and I'm sure he left the theater shortly afterwards and had sex with the nearest set of Encyclopedia Brittanicas he could find.

Sadly, I have no Encyclopedia Brittanicas to make love to, so I had to settle for watching the first season of Father Dowling Mysteries on laserdisc. I tried to watch Diagnosis Murder, but my impure thoughts about Scott Baio distracted me from the plotline. I think I made the right choice.

The show ended with the debut live performance of Kevin Federline. I'll have to cover that tomorrow. It could take all day.

Maggie

Just When I'd Given Up Hope...

2006-08-17T09:33:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty excited about the new Gillette razor that David Beckham is promoting. It's got SIX BLADES. Do you understand the weight of that? SIX BLADES. That means no more having to tape your two 3-bladed razors together for that elusive 6-bladed shave. It also means no more having to tape your three 2-bladed razors together for that magical 6-bladed shave. Most importantly, it means no more having to tape your six 1-bladed razors together for that glorious, orgasmic, whollifying 6-bladed shave.

As excited as I am about this whole 6-bladed REVOLUTION of razorhood, I'm still waiting for the eventual unveiling of the 12-bladed razor. In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to make do with Nicole Richie's ribcage.

Seriously?

Maggie

The Kennedy Conspiracy

2006-08-16T09:39:00.000-04:00

Hollywood is chock-full of great ideas. Oh, you don't think so? Why do you have to be so negative all the time? I HATE that about you.

The wheels are being put in motion for the third installment of the "Ace Ventura" films. I'm surprised Jim Carrey is willing to reprise that particular role, given his leaps into more dramatic roles as of late...wait...I'm reading further down...

...Ohhhhh...apparently Jim Carrey will NOT be in the film. Whew! Thank goodness. Now we can look forward to one of those "Son Of Ace Ventura" type movies. It only makes sense given the gangbusters success of "Son of The Mask". I hope they can pull Jamie Kennedy off of whatever ledge he's teetering on right now to be in this one. The word you're looking for...is TALENT, people.

I think I made more money selling dental work out of the back of a van than "Son of The Mask" made internationally. To be fair, though, I do live just next door to a plutonium taffy factory.

Maggie

Our next show is at Brogue's on Friday, August 25th with Noble Rocket. I don't know if you've heard, but they were recently nominated (in my mind) for the Sassy Magazine Cute Band of the Month. If you go up to Woody and say "White Hustler rides at midnight" he'll rip his shirt right off!

The Dream Team

2006-08-14T09:06:00.000-04:00

What has one wiener, two vaginas, no relevance in the music business, and flies?

Dave Navarro dating Jenna Jameson.

Far be it from me to question two pseudo-celebrities coming together for the common purpose of sweating on each other, but I have to take exception here. I'm just so conflicted! I don't know who to be more disgusted for: The Retired Queen of Anal, or Jenna Jameson?

Lately I've been spending hours with a focus group discussing what their conversations must sound like. Here's today's consensus:

Jenna: Are you in a band?
Dave: Yes. The Panic Channel.
Jenna: So, no then?
Dave: Did you notice I'm not wearing a shirt?
Jenna: Can you introduce me to Tommy Lee?
Dave: Jane's Addiction, Jane's Addiction, Jane's Addiction, Jane's Addiction...
Jenna: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me...
...various squirting sounds...
Jenna: Why is it black?
Dave: I just had your initials tattooed on my vas deferens!
Jenna: That's so sweet! Now it'll match the gangrene on my flaps!
Dave: I'm surprised you've yet to remark on my shirtlessness.
Jenna: You're kinda pushy for a hairy chick.

Maggie

Great show this weekend - thanks to everyone for coming out and shaking their asses to celebrate Vanessa's triumphant return. We love all you guys and gals.

The Dempsey Factor

2006-08-12T11:09:00.000-04:00

It's Saturday morning, I'm sitting in front of the television watching some Daniel Powter rip-off singer/songwriter guy on the CBS Early Show, thinking about how much he sucks and how I probably am the one with the problem, and working on my second cup of coffee. I have four cats crawling all over me with a look of dissatisfaction over the emptiness of the orange Iams bag that lay crumpled in the corner. I am dressed like an escaped Fly Girl from 1990. Nothing out of the ordinary for a Saturday morning, right?

Then I start flipping the channels on the remote. I don't have cable, so it takes about six seconds to make it through all the channels. I stop on UPN. There's a commercial for a movie they're showing at 2pm today. It took approximately three seconds of viewing Patrick Dempsey antics before I realized that the movie they're showing at 2pm today is "Loverboy".

That being said, I would like to announce the cancellation of any plans I had for this afternoon. I can only hope this is the lead-in to an entire Patrick Dempsey movie marathon. "Can't Buy Me Love", "Meatballs 3", that one movie where he ate the cigarettes, and which ever "Oh God, You Devil" sequel he was in.

Oh, and Paris Hilton's pet monkey bit her on the arm. The article mentioned something about her being taken to the hospital, but no mention of the series of shots that the monkey will have to get in order to stop the progression of whatever disease he surely caught from her.

And we're playing at Dada tonight.

Maggie

Crocodile Smudgee

2006-08-11T09:50:00.000-04:00

If you know anything about hot chicks from Australia currently living in exile in Costa Rica, then you know that our dear friend Vanessa is coming back to the US tomorrow for a week-long visit full of laughs, tabloid-catchups, on-the-street fashion commentary and, unfortunately, copious amounts of Smudgery, the likes of which have not been seen since Lauren Tewes was kicked off the cast of The Love Boat. When I think of the horrors she'll be subjected to at the "hands" of the dastardly Trent Pingel....

To properly celebrate her arrival, we're putting on a show at DaDa in Delray Beach tomorrow night, August 12th, around 11pm - and we hope you'll be there to celebrate her homecoming with us. Dance with her, pretend you "accidently" brushed up against her, buy her a drink...buy her a lot of drinks. Lord knows she'll need them if she's to survive The Smudge for an entire week and its disgusting, horrific, lustful crimes against sexual humanity.

I have to go take 300 showers now.

Maggie

Sexy News!

2006-08-04T11:57:00.000-04:00

Oh ho hoooooo man! Do I have EXCELLENT news! Nicole Ritchie lost her digital camera at a club in Hollywood last week and there might soon be nude pictures of her circulating on the internet! I know what you're thinking, and I agree, it's probably not a good idea to get my hopes up in case it doesn't actually happen, but I'm just so TOTALLY STOKED.

Wait...wait...there's one coming in right now! Hell YES!!!!!! It's an action shot!!!!

Maggie

TONIGHT AUGUST 4TH - 11PM - BROGUE'S IN LAKE WORTH - THE FREAKIN' HOTT WITH A SLOPPY HIGH FIVES DESSERT!

TOMORROW NIGHT - AUGUST 5TH - THE FREAKIN HOTT AT THE RESPECTABLE'S ANNIVERSARY PARTY AT RAY'S DOWNTOWN BLUES!

The Scratching Post of Skankdom

2006-08-03T09:23:00.000-04:00

Well now this is FANTASTIC!

It's just been announced that the new CW Network has green-lighted a reality show to find the next skank/member of The Pussycat Dolls! Now I'm going to need all of your support if I want to stand a chance at making it through the auditions, so here's a list of things I'll need in order to "make it...holla"!

1. 380 cans of Slim Fast spiked with Ex-Lax
2. A full-frontal lobotomy
3. Much, much, much, much, much, much, much lower standards
4. An exercise book that shows how to swallow a whole zucchini
5. Fake scars from the surgical removal of what can best be described as a vestigial penis
6. A few episodes of "Dance Party USA" on VHS in order to learn those hot moves that "Princess" was doing all the time
7. A couple cases of those pantiliners for thongs
8. A mix tape containing the greatest hits of Expose', Trinere, SWV, Lisa Lisa and The Cult Jam, Wild Orchid, Jody Watley, and Paula Abdul during the "chunky" years.

Please send all of your donations to Hell. I'll be going there later to pick up a pair of leggings, a hip-widening tunic top, and some Sam Libby flats.

Maggie

I Am Now a Golden God on The Rock Star Supernova Message Boards

2006-08-02T09:50:00.000-04:00

In my boredom this week, I've been convincing the fellow posters on the Rock Star Supernova message boards that I'm actually a famous rock star who prefers to remain anonymous and who's sold 1.2 million records, is currently on tour in Europe, and has nothing better to do than sit on their message board all day. I wanted to see how quickly they would go from hating my presence there to agreeing with everything I say, and believe me, it didn't take long. Here's a few examples (My name is RiotMag on the boards, in case you're just tuning in):

Topic
What Exactly is the Lead Singer Criteria:
5 messages - 5 authors - last updated 08/01/06 10:23 PM

sage ..1 - 07/30/06 06:17 PM

I was just wondering if there was such a thing as the general consesus as to what Supernova were looking for in the lead singer, specifically how are they evaluating singing talent, stage presence etc? Opinions?

Kiwi Fan
Message ..2 - 07/31/06 06:31 AM

If you read their BLOG you will see what they are after ... would think that they want some with Charisma, Vocal Talent and the ability to captivate the audience.

RiotMag (THAT'S ME!)
Message ..4 - 07/31/06 10:41 AM

1. "Pipes"

2. "Chops"

3. People who use the words "pipes" and "chops" because they think it makes them sound like musicians who, by the way, never use words like "pipes" and "chops".

4. A vagina with a view of Marina Del Rey.

5. Medical knowledge of the various uses for methodone.

6. Class with a K = Klassy.

7. A Washer/Dryer to launder Jason's 10,001 Voivod t-shirts.

8. Penicillin.

9. The ability to laugh over and over when Tommy Lee puts sunglasses on his wiener.

10. More penicillin.

Wyzer
Message ..5 - 08/01/06 10:23 PM

To funny riot-mag, but i agree!

Maggie

Our Palm Beach County CD Release is happening at Brogue's in Lake Worth on Friday, August 4th, with special guests The Sloppy High Fives. Then on Saturday we'll be at Ray's Downtown Blues in WPB for the Respectable's Anniversary Party. Both shows are free!

Heroes and Sheroes

2006-08-01T10:25:00.000-04:00

I recently had someone ask me who my role models are, seeing as I dislike almost everybody in the world of entertainment, so I thought I'd spend some time on the people I admire and respect. These are in no particular order.

Kimmy Gibbler - Sure, she had the legs of a praying mantis, but I'll be gosh-darned if she wasn't my favorite obnoxious character on television during the late 80's. Nosy, annoying, socially mature beyond her years with just a dash of hateful naivete, she was something to look up to, someone I related to. I like to imagine that the Kimmy Gibbler character lived on well after Full House was cancelled, and she's out there somewhere, hating someone that I would hate too.

Bea Arthur - People like to make fun of Bea Arthur because she's a tall husky-voiced woman, but Bea Arthur is one of the funniest, most talented comedic actresses ever. I can sit and watch hours and hours of "Maude" and laugh so hard it hurts. She doesn't even have to say anything, her blank-faced reactions to situations are one of the funniest things about her. You KNOW what she's thinking without her having to say it. The biggest compliment anyone could give someone is to tell them that they're as funny as Bea Arthur.

Bill Hicks - I hesitate to even write any kind of description about my feelings for Bill Hicks because I don't want to cheapen the memory of one of the most creative minds and best satirists in the history of the universe. If you're too young to have heard of Bill Hicks, or never got to see him before his tragic demise at the age of 32, do yourself a favor and check him out. If you think the people on The Daily Show are funny and clever, Bill Hicks makes Jon Stewart look like Carrot Top.

Maggie

The Passion of The Drunk

2006-07-31T09:29:00.000-04:00

I didn't get much sleep last night, so forgive me if I'm a little groggy and lazy this morning. Thankfully, this blog will pretty much write itself today. Mel Gibson, as you may have heard, was arrested for driving under the influence last Friday. Boring, isn't it? Not anymore! Here's an "eyewitness account" of what happened:

"Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f*cker. I'm going to f*ck you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me." The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*cking Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?" The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*ck do you think you're doing?" A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

I eagerly await his next long and boring condescending biblical snuff film that tells everyone that they're going to Hell.

Maggie

This Friday, August 4th, we'll be at Brogue's in Lake Worth for our Palm Beach County CD Release Party! 21 and up, no cover!

Mentally Disturbed by The Bell

2006-07-28T09:51:00.000-04:00

I know you're not supposed to reveal your birthday wish, so I've kept mum since my birthday a couple months ago, but now that my wish has come true, I'd like to share it with all of you. When I blew those candles out, I closed my eyes and wished the following:

"I wish Dustin Diamond would start dispensing sex advice on the internet."

There's a whole column on nerve.com, but I'm just going to post the most colorful segments:

Q: The girl I'm dating constantly brings up her ex in conversation. How can I get her to focus on the present?

A: You got to tap it so good that she falls asleep. If she doesn't fall asleep afterwards, you have no chance. Rock it to sleep, baby. My test is that I'll pop in a movie, but first get her down. If she can watch the movie afterward, I didn't do it right.

Q: My new girlfriend is coming over for the first time. What '90s movie should I rent to ensure that I get laid?

A: The girls I tend to go for like The Crow... [To his girlfriend, Jennifer] What do you think is a romantic movie to bone by? There weren't a lot of good humping movies in the '90s. What about Sliver? Sliver is good. [To Jennifer] We're going to watch Sliver and bone tonight. We're going to tear it up. You're going to hear bones crack.

I'll give all of you a moment to digest this dialogue, gargle with some Listerine, and swear off sex for all eternity.

Maggie

TOMORROW NIGHT, JULY 29th, COME SEE US WITH I AM STEREO AND THE FABULOUS SHUTTLE LOUNGE AT THE POPSCENE 3rd ANNIVERSARY AT DADA IN DELRAY BEACH! GET THERE BY 11PM!

Keeping It Real

2006-07-27T09:46:00.000-04:00

Beyonce Knowles says that she channels an inner-diva named "Sasha" in order to free herself from the limitations of being Beyonce Knowles on stage. I'm not sure what those limitations are, but I'm betting one of them is not being able to wear anything on stage that doesn't make her look like she blew a thousand bucks on an outfit at the Swap Shop.

Christina Aguilera also channels an alter-ego: "Baby Jane". She won't give the reasons she arrived at that name, but I'm sure it has something to do with her wearing a diaper and fellating a four foot tall Graffix bong.

When Britney Spears doesn't want to put up with the hassles of being Britney Spears, she insists people call her "Mona Lisa". Nobody gives Mona Lisa shit because according to Britney, "You don't mess with Mona Lisa!!!!" Kill me now.

Keeping with this long-standing tradition of alter-egos, I've decided to channel a woman named "Peggy" when I'm onstage.

Peggy works the graveyard shift at the Denny's in Lake Worth, has one of more tattoos of both Tweety Bird AND Jethro Tull, "pampers" herself by letting her neighbor Tammy give her a Toni home perm once every two months, has seven kids by eight different fathers at home (don't ask me how THAT happened), and a live-in boyfriend named "Chet" who "can't get no steady work" who keeps his half-dead grandmother locked in a closet to keep those Social Security checks rolling in every month so he can afford his yearly trip to Daytona Beach for "Bike Week". You talk about keeping it real? Peggy is as real as it gets motherf*cker!

Maggie

When is The KISS Enema Kit Coming Out?

2006-07-26T10:10:00.000-04:00

I awoke wrapped in a KISS sleeping bag from my KISS coffin this morning to the sound of a FedEx driver knocking on my front door. I signed for the package, ripped it open, downed the Kiss Thermos of KISS Demon Dark Roast Coffee that I had overnighted from the KISS Coffeehouse in Myrtle Beach, swept the cigarette ashes that spilled out of my KISS Ashtray onto the new KISS Ceramic Tile Floor I put in last week and disposed of the mess in my KISS Garbage Can, turned off my KISS Night-Light, and got right to work painting my KISS Model Car. Wouldn't you know it but that pest of a neighbor of mine hit his KISS Baseball right through my window and broke my KISS Christmas Ornament Collection! I suppose it could have been worse - he could have been tossing around his KISS Bowling Ball and broken my KISS Chip and Dip Bowl Set then I'd have to hit him up side the head with my KISS Pool Cue!!! LOL!!!! I wish that kid's parents would have used a KISS Paul Stanley Condom - then I would have to trip over his KISS Jack-in-the-Box in my yard everyday!

Gene Simmons is getting a reality show called "The Family Jewels". Hope you have your KISS Fire Helmet on. It's gonna be HOT!

(I would like to add that I did not make up a single item here. This is actual KISS licensed merchandise. And for this reason, and for the shitty power ballad "Forever", I hate KISS.)

Maggie

Abusin' Together

2006-07-25T10:07:00.000-04:00

I don't like to brag, but I consider myself somewhat of an expert when it comes to cameo appearances in films by Huey Lewis. I used to have really useless knowledge swimming around my head, like trigonometry and physics, but I went through an experimental procedure years ago to remove any knowledge of these worthless subjects to make room for more important things, i.e. cameo appearances in films by Huey Lewis. Some people called this experimental procedure "A Ben Affleck Movie Marathon", but I prefer to leave the fancy technical terms to my doctor and his staff of buxom TV Guide nurses.

If you remember the film "Duets", then you no doubt can recall the Huey Lewis/Gwyneth Paltrow karaoke duet of "Cruisin' Together". We found out that, aside from being able to bore the crap out of all of us, she could actually carry a tune.

FOX is trying to recreate this Huey Lewis moment by airing a reality show starting next month called "Duets". The show will feature singers such as Cyndi Lauper, Patti Labelle, Aaron Neville, and Kenny Loggins paired with "non-singing celebrities" in a duet singing competition. It's sort of like American Idol, but instead of seeing someone like Kelly Clarkson win a record contract, we'll get to see someone like Elizabeth Berkley try to make it through a duet of "Somewhere Out There" with Brian McKnight and NOT vomit up a pile of pills and accost him with her vagina when she tries and fails to hit the high notes. This is what I like to call "Quality Television". I can only hope it won't be on the same night as Rock Star Supernova. I don't want to get all blown out from the sensory overload.

Maggie

We've got a show this Saturday at DaDa for the Popscene 3rd Anniversary Party along with I Am Stereo and The FABULOUS Shuttle Lounge. You are such a loser if you miss it. That goes for you too, grandma.

Make Yourself Useful, People

2006-07-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

I'm not entirely sure of the exact moment that Tara Reid became Nick Nolte with fake tits, but I'd like to extend my hand to her in appreciation for all of the blog postings she's contributed to merely by existing. I mean, it's not that she's disgusting, it's that she's SO disgusting that she makes Paris Hilton look like Shirley Temple taking a bath in Purell by comparison. She's everything that's wrong with the entertainment business all wrapped up into one saline-bumpified mystic-tanned shiftless lay-about...

The poster child for having your liposuction done in some guy's garage in Guadalajara with a hacksaw blade and a Hoover vacuum...

The personification of a clearance rack in the "Adult Section" of the back of a van of novelty gifts at the Swap Shop...

A walking genital wart with opposable thumbs...

The used tacky cloth strips of Christina Aguilera's most recent Brazilian wax...

The transparent skin that forms on top of the KFC Li'l Bucket Parfait of Skankdom.

I got away from myself there for a minute. If you have any fantastic Tara-isms you'd like to boast - please let me know so the rest of us can bask in your hatefulness. I expect nothing less than literary confection-perfection from both Tom and Wilkins, so don't disappoint me, boys. Feeling crushed under the weight of writer's block? Here's a dandy of a pic to inspire you:

You're welcome.

Maggie

We'll be at DaDa this Saturday, July 29th, for the Popscene 3rd Anniversary Party. Don't miss it!

The Worst Celebrity Story I've Heard All Year

2006-07-20T09:06:00.000-04:00

TMZ is the worst celebrity website on the planet. If they get a video clip of Lindsay Lohan putting money in a parking meter, it's their top story for the day. In short, they blow, and this story is no exception:

Christina Trades Ring in Nipple for Ring on Finger

"Now that she's a married woman, pop diva Christina Aguilera has apparently completely freed herself of a ring in her right areola, according to photographic evidence painstakingly analyzed by Lloyd Grove this morning. Two years ago, Aguilera told the press that she'd ditched all of the metal gear that was impaling various parts of her anatomy, like her tongue, lip, and navel, but that the one in her right nipple was for her and was staying. But yesterday in Paris, says Grove, Aguilera was photographed in a sheer top, and there was no sign of the stud."

I'd like to meet this guy whose job is to "painstakingly" detect the existence of nipple rings on Christina Aguilera. What are his credentials? I don't want to seem like a Jealous Jilly here or anything, but I spent a good six years at Vassar getting my master's degree in Aguilera Nippleography, and I DEMAND to know why I wasn't called in on this one. It was bad enough that I got turned away from the "Lady Marmalade" video shoot because my labia weren't hanging out enough, but this is just a slap in the face. How far do you think you can push me? Do you want me to see Maggie on 10?! Because I don't think you want to see Maggie on 10!!!!!! The last person who saw Maggie on 10 was Chevy Chase when he called Maggie a "Low-Rent Ruth Buzzy", and you saw what happened to that motherf*cker!

Don't mess with me.

Maggie

These Five Words I Swear To You

2006-07-19T09:10:00.000-04:00

I would have posted this yesterday, but I've been drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Colon Clenz since I heard the news that Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra have split up.

I mean, just when you start to believe in true love, something like this happens, and you're just left wandering the streets shirtless with a feather boa and your eyeliner running down your face while your tears mingle with the seven necklaces you're wearing and turn your neck green - and right at that moment - Perry Farrell drives by you, throws a Porno for Pyros CD at your oversized head and laughs and laughs and laughs as he speeds away. You retreat to The Roxy where you find Bobbi Brown from the Cherry Pie video and rest your weary Wolverine head upon her silicone pillows until you wake in the morning to an overweight Jani Lane from Warrant kicking you in the head with a sizeable pair of leather studded Hush Puppies then, just when you think you hit rock bottom, Tawny Kitaen pulls up in 1987 Jaguar and spits on you. You freebase the spit and squeak through another day of your horrific over-accessorized existence in the hope that Tommy Lee is just a pay-phone call away tomorrow, ever-ready with a gift certificate to the Piercing Pagoda so the new holes in your ear cartilage can show the world the new hole in your heart. If that doesn't do it, being forcibly removed from the next Pussycat Dolls performance while screaming, "Your cooter always did smell like Dennis Rodman, you whore!!!!!!" should do it.

Carry on, Dave Navarro. Carry on, old friend. I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you.

Maggie

Caligula Hilton

2006-07-18T09:12:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm doing a disservice to society by even writing about this, but it's SO bad, society will just have to figure out a way to deal with it. Brace yourselves. There's not just one, but TWO brilliant new Paris Hilton quotes:

"“I think every decade has an iconic blonde — like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana — and right now, I’m that icon."

Okay, I'll bite. Part of being an icon is not actually referring to yourself as an icon. It's the equivalent of telling people that you're "classy" which, incidentally, means you have no class. I'm sure that Princess Diana is smiling down from above thinking, "Wow. I guess I shouldn't have spent all that time with those orphans in Africa. I could have just danced on top of a table at Hyde and shown my cooter on the internet and left the same impression on the world. OMG!!!! LOL!!!!!!!"

And here's the literal and figurative number two:

"I play dumb like Jessica Simpson plays dumb. But we know exactly what we’re doing. We’re smart blondes.”

The only reason she's reaching for the big dumb gun, i.e. Jessica Simpson, in order to defend her own empty-headed, shallow, disgusting, amoral, spoiled, sickening, nauseating antics is because she obviously skipped history class the day they talked about Caligula. As a matter of fact, I'm considering changing the band name to Caligula Hilton right now.

Smart blondes. If they're smart then I'm Nick Lachey's balls.

Maggie

Your Number One Desperation Station

2006-07-17T10:03:00.000-04:00

People think they know the meaning of the word "desperation".

Some think that desperation is when you're really excited that you got a call-back for that Summer's Eve stinky cooter commercial, or worse, a walk-on role on "The World According to Jim".

Some think that desperation is posing for Swank after your short-lived relationship with Robbie Bensen, further certifying your entrance into the handjob-hustling portion of Dirk Diggler's life.

Some think that desperation is winning a Teen Choice Award for "Best Hissy Fit in a Movie" (I'm not making that category up) and actually being happy about it as you stagger your coked-up corpse to the podium and thank a crowd of 12 year olds for worshipping you instead of Hilary Duff, if even for a moment. The last I heard, a Teen Choice Award for "Best Hissy Fit in a Movie" was worth approximately two seconds of fame, and negative three seconds of cred. Don't look at me like that, Jason Biggs. You know the score.

All that aside, I'm sure some of you still aren't one hundred percent sure that you know what real, true desperation is, so if you weren't able to traverse the previous paragraph without moving your lips while you read, I'll make it really easy for you. THIS is desperation:

Yes. Now we just have to sit and wait for the visible mouth-lesions to develop. I'm setting my timer for approximately 15 minutes.

Here's some more flaming fun I had over the weekend from the Rock Star Supernova message boards. The subject of "Dave Navarro Needs to Put a Shirt On" is apparently still going.

Message #11 - Posted by Queeniebaby on 07/13/06 01:26 PM

Ditto. Dave needs to be shirtless as often as possible! He is wicked sweet! I want to lick him all over. Hey, do you know if Dave is still shaving his armpits??? I thought it looked like the hair is back.

Message #12 - Posted by bluestar on 07/13/06 05:03 PM

It would be just fine with me if he let his left nut hang out. Like I said, he can come to work naked if he wants to. Who cares, RiotMag? Lighten up...even God took a day off.

Message #13 - Posted by RiotMag on 07/14/06 12:07 PM (THAT'S ME!)

....even God took a day off?

And look what happened. Did you see the lineup of contestants this year?

Oh, and before I finish gagging, I should respond to this from Queeniebaby...
"Ditto. Dave needs to be shirtless as often as possible! He is wicked sweet! I want to lick him all over. Hey, do you know if Dave is still shaving his armpits??? I thought it looked like the hair is back."

RiotMag:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Thanks. I needed that.

Maggie

Show This Saturday!

2006-07-14T10:16:00.000-04:00

Timb's Birthday Show has been moved from The Hideout in Boca Raton to Duck Soup in Ft. Lauderdale (Oakland Park Blvd and Powerline). Check out the schedule, show starts at 9PM:

Brent Indeed
Katie Foley
Timb and His Band of Erics
Zombies Organize!
The Freakin' Hott

No cover, cheap beer, pool tables (so you can pretend you're Tom Cruise in The Color of Money back when we all still had some kind of respect for him before he went to live with the aliens), a parking lot for you to throw up in (to make your Nicole Richie impersonation that much more believable), and a gaggle of groupies (be sure to bring your own shark).

Today I will leave you with the greatest movie quote of all time. If you'd care to take a guess at the movie title and the actor, please do so and win no prize.

"Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it's usually something unusual."

Maggie

The Popozao of Our Discontent

2006-07-12T09:39:00.000-04:00

In order to properly explain the most recent quote from Kevin Federline, I need to grab a page from the script of Pee Wee's Big Adventure:

Francis: You're crazy.
Pee Wee: I know you are, but what am I?
Francis: You're a nerd.
Pee Wee: I know you are, but what am I?
Francis: You're an idiot.
Pee Wee: I know you are, but what am I?
(In unison)I know you are, but what am I? I know you are, but what
Am I? I know you are, but what am I? I know you are, but what am I?
Pee Wee: Infinity!

Francis: I'm not, you are.
Pee Wee: You are.

Francis: No way!
Pee Wee: No way!

Francis: Knock it off!
Pee Wee: Knock it off!

Francis: Cut it out!
Pee Wee: Cut it out!

Francis: Shut up!
Pee Wee: Make me.

Francis: Why don't you make me?

Pee Wee: Because I don't make monkeys,I just train them.

Francis: Remember when I first saw your bike?
You rode past my house, and I ran out
to tell you how much I liked it.

Pee Wee: I love that story.

(Pee Wee rides off on bike)

Francis: (Yelling) You'll be sorry, Pee-wee Herman!

(Pee Wee begins doing tricks on bike, swings his legs out to either side, puts his feet on handlebars, loses control of bike, bike crashes in yard, Pee Wee falls off into a somersault in the lawn and stands up to address several children standing nearby.)

Pee Wee: I meant to do that.

Now that the Metaphor Stage has been set, here's K-Fed's quote:

"At first, when I put out PopoZao, people were kinda laughing at me. I did it on purpose so people would look at me exactly the way they did. That way, when I come out with my real shit, people are f*cking blown away."

Um. Yeah. Hmm. Allright, show of hands - who actually believes this bullshit?

Maggie

Girls Gone REALLY Wild

2006-07-11T09:41:00.000-04:00

Joe Francis, the "Girls Gone Wild" guy, was punched in the face by an unidentified woman over the weekend at a Hollywood nightclub. I was really hoping that I was the one who did it, but it turns out I was nowhere near California this past weekend. Had it actually been me, I wouldn't have gone for something as easy as a punch in the face though. I would have constructed something similar to the "Mouse Trap" board game, only instead of having a plastic net fall down over him, I would have a pair of robotic hands pull his pants down and snap a picture while a gigantic steel boot kicked him in the jimmies. Then I would have an army of amateur strippers on roofies bludgeon him with their big fake knockers, making it the most poetically-justified ironic beat-down ever. I would, of course, film it the whole time so I could sell it on TV as "Girls Gone REALLY Wild - The Extreme Testicle Makeover Edition".

Either that or I would make him sit on a toilet seat that had been recently used by Paris Hilton. I don't know about that, though. That's pretty mean.

Maggie

Come See Us with Journey and Def Leppard!

2006-07-06T11:18:00.000-04:00

With all the last minute details of getting prepared for the CD Release Show tomorrow night at The Poorhouse, we almost forgot to mention that we'll be opening the show at the Sound Advice Amphitheatre in West Palm Beach for Journey and Def Leppard this Monday, July 10th, at 7:30pm. Tickets are still available through Ticketmaster.

I'm not kidding. Don't ask ... and don't stop believin'.

Hold on to that feelin'.

Maggie
TFH

Review in New Times Magazine!!

2006-07-05T12:23:00.000-04:00

THIS JUST IN:

Album Review from New Times Magazine
by Jason Budjinski, Music Editor

Finally. After years of proving their worth on many a local stage, Palm Beach County's Freakin Hott have taken their tunes to disc; the wait was well worth it. The trio's brand of raw, guitar-driven, male-female-sung rock loses nothing in this studio translation. If anything, the fact that you can actually hear the vocals (not just a muddied nightclub version of them) makes this ten-track album worth seeking out — ten tracks worth of big-ass, '70s-style guitar riffs mixed with catchy, bittersweet power-pop and a dash of country. There are no clever ProTools tricks, just an attempt to capture the band as it really sounds, which is, of course, pretty freakin hott.

The album's opener, "Ayuss Grayuss" (as in "Ass, gas, grass"), and second track, "Brass Snatch," get things going in a straight-up, no-fucking-around fashion — the best way to open any rock 'n' roll album. The third track, "Rotten Apple," takes a turn into pop territory, with Maggie and Aaron playing their vocals off one another in pure '60s fashion. "Old Weird America" rolls along slowly and steadily, painting a landscape of Americana in all its emotionally conflicting glory. "Love/Hate" takes it back to the garage with a fuzzed-out, Motor City-styled jam. The album closes on a soft note with the gentle, drum brush-driven "Killer's Moon." Want a live preview? The Freakin Hott holds a free CD-release party with I Am Stereo at 8 p.m. Friday, July 7, at the Poor House (110 SW Third Ave., Fort Lauderdale, 954-522-5145).

Review in City Link Magazine!

2006-07-05T09:26:00.000-04:00

Our first record review has rolled in for "Slip on The Lips" - From this week's edition of City Link Magazine, by Dan Sweeney.

Slip on The Lips
by The Freakin' Hott
www.thefreakinhott.com

This album should have its own category above "The Good": it's in a class by itself. This is one of the few CDs by a local band that continually finds a place in my CD player long after the first spin. And since all the others in that category came out before I had a column, it's safe to say this is the best local album I've heard in the two-plus years I've been doing this. The disc's most notable feature is its absence of filler. From the opener, "Ayuss Grayuss." which celebrates the old "Ass, grass or gas" bumper sticker, through the gorgeous, countrified, confesssional closer, "Killer's Moon," every song is a gem. Standout cuts include ... everything. If you love indie rock, alt-country, sleazy-sexy glam or just damn good songwriting, buy this album. It's the real deal. (The band's CD-release party will take place 11pm Friday at the Poor House in Fort Lauderdale.)

- Dan Sweeney, City Link

WOW! Thanks, Dan! City Link has been so kind to us from the very beginning, and we couldn't be more appreciative! Pick up a copy today!

Maggie

Waiter, There's a Love Gun in My Latte!

2006-07-03T10:54:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning and said to myself, "You know what I need to start the day right? No, no, no - I don't just need coffee. Coffee is so yesterday it's not even funny LOL!!!!! I need something I can identify with. Something that speaks to my lifestyle and devil-may-care musical preferences. I don't want grandpa's morning beverage, I want ROCK 'N ROLL COFFEE, MOTHERF*CKER!!!!! (insert shreddery here)"

Thankfully I had twelve hours or so to drive to Myrtle Beach, SC to go to the grand opening of the KISS Coffeehouse where I had to painstakingly choose between a KISS Frozen ROCKaccino and a KISS Demon Dark Roast. I briefly considered getting a sprinkle of SIMMONSmon on top of my ROCKaccino, but thought better of it when I read the ingredients and saw that it contained traces of syphilis and REAL sugar! Hello? Have these people heard of The South Beach Diet?!!! Then I threw caution to the wind and ate a KISS Rip Screaming Diarrhea Bran MOFO-in AND a Hot CRISS bun and excused myself to the VOLCANIC ROCK LAVAtory and, well, YOU know. I awaited my Frehley's Comet with anticipation and stared up at the "Paul Stanley Exhaust Fanley" while I, like many others before me, paid the gastro-intestinal price for rocking and rolling all night, not to mention partying all day.

Maggie

Who Do You Have To Blow To Get a Raid Around Here?

2006-06-30T09:49:00.000-04:00

Let's see if you can figure out what's wrong with this sentence:

"...the FBI and Massachusetts authorities raided a Westfield, Mass. home Tuesday night and seized the stolen photos of a baby shower held by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt."

Far be it from me to come off as "bitchy" here or anything, but where the hell was the FBI was when I had those questionable photos of me perched atop a "kinda" hogtied, "somewhat" passed-out Andrew Ridgely from Wham stolen from the local Walgreen's? And justice for all? My ASS.

I think I'll start using reverse psychology to rectify the situation. I'm going to start dropping off my film along with a note that says, "Heads will roll if you don't validate my ego by stealing these pictures and selling them to the media. If it helps, I just donated fifty cents to save Screech's house, so you can't call me a homewrecker just because I usually end up humping most of my married co-stars."

No shows this weekend - our CD Release show is next Friday, the 7th, at The Poorhouse.

Maggie

Sell Your Cooter While It's HOT!

2006-06-29T09:29:00.000-04:00

Hi. How are you? That's great. How am I? ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED. Thanks for asking.

Ashlee Simpson has turned down Playboy Magazine's "alleged" offer of four million dollars. If you look at her management contract with her dad it probably specifies that the Jessica/Ashlee Jerk-Off Ratio should gradually increase in Ashlee's favor until Jessica's new album "drops" this August, then Ashlee will be swept under the bed again like so many crusty tissues and dog-eared copies of Cosmo that you stole from your dentist's office. I predict this four million dollar offer will be slashed down to about $1.25 by this time next year, which is fantastic, because I just LOVE a good vagina blow-out sale.

I wish they would break these offers down by the piece and actually put price tags on them in the pictures.

Face: $220,000
Old Nose: $4.15
New Nose: $500,000
Left Arm: $40,000
Right Arm: $60,000
Left Breast: $1,200,000
Right Breast: $499,990 (reduction due to what could be a nippular asymmetry)
Left Upper Thigh: $400,000
Right Upper Thigh: $380,000 (reduction due to ingrown hair)
Left Ass Cheek: $600,000
Right Ass Cheek: minus $600,000 (reduction due to "hygiene issues")
Vag: $1,000,000 (pending labiaplasty operation)
Toenails: $6.85 (Subject to toe-jam inspection)

They should totally hire me to run Playboy Magazine. I would turn that mother OUT.

Maggie

A Pubic Affair

2006-06-28T09:21:00.000-04:00

Jessica Simpson has made a new music video for her upcoming single "A Public Affair" which can best be described as "my worst nightmare". Jessica, Eva Longoria, Christina Applegate, and Christina Milian are doing some kind of horrible retro throwback rollerskank/skankerderby theme directed by none other than trouser-snake extraordinaire Brett Ratner. Yuck - with an extra uck.

I saw a clip of the "making of" this new video and was immediately overcome with memories of middle school, where my late-blooming clutch-the-wall ego was pelted by the bra-wearing backwards-skating techniques of five girls named Jennifer who devoted the bulk of their adolescent years to figuring out newer and better ways to make my life a living hell and the most attractive way to wear a scrunchie while giving an over-the-Cavaricci's HJ in the back of the movie theater during a matinee showing of "Coming to America" all the while never realizing the irony of their actions when combined with their choices of movie titles. I don't even want to imagine what they were doing during "Short Circuit 2". To give you an idea of how long ago all of this was, I distinctly remember arguing with my friend Rebecca about whether the singer from that hot new band "Guns 'n Roses" was "fine".

In a related story, Axl Rose was detained in Sweden yesterday for biting a man. I love a man who's not afraid to be detained for biting a man in Sweden. I guess that settles the old "fine" argument, huh Rebecca? You always were a stupid bitch.

Maggie

Don't forget - The Freakin' Hott CD Release Party at the Poorhouse July 7th!

Not Funny.

2006-06-27T10:22:00.000-04:00

Hey, hey, hey there - Erectile Dysfunction is no laughing matter. It's a serious medical problem for millions of men and it is nothing to laugh at.

Unless it happens to Rush Limbaugh.

Rush was detained at the airport in good ol' West Palm Beach, FL trying to board a flight with a bottle of Viagra that wasn't prescribed to him. He alleges that his doctor's name is listed on the bottle as the patient name in order to give ol' Rush-bo some privacy when it comes to his lifeless, flaccid, useless, broken penis. NOT funny, people. NOT. FUNNY.

Let's discuss the real matter at hand here. Who the hell is willing to have sex with Rush Limbaugh?! The mere thought is making me want to unzip my skin and scrub it with liquid nitrogen.

Maggie

Whore-Ay for Hollywood

2006-06-25T22:14:00.000-04:00

I'm a fan of the diversity of the selection process for the Hollywood Walk of Fame, mostly because it's a culmination of everything that's wrong with the Hollywood Walk of Fame. This year's recipients includes a wide array of stars, but I'd like to compare and contrast the two that jumped out at me first: Michael Caine and Leann Rimes. Both talented artists and performers, sure, but on par with one another?

Michael Caine = Appeared in over 120 films since 1956.

Leann Rimes = Entered show business in 1996. (In case you're counting, that's forty years after Michael Caine did his first film role.)

Michael Caine = Has won two Academy Awards, and has been nominated for six Academy Awards in total.

Leann Rimes = Actually admits to having recorded the song "Can't Fight The Moonlight" for the "Coyote Ugly" movie soundtrack.

Michael Caine = Actually has been friggin' KNIGHTED by the Queen of England.

Leann Rimes = Posed topless for the cover of "Blender" Magazine to show everyone how "empowered" she is now that she's all grown up. Kudos.

Please send your hate mail to:

Hell
c/o Juicy Couture
666 Bulimia Way
Salinas Implantas, DUH 90210

I'll be waiting for you there in a cami top, a "kicky" pair of terry cloth gauchos, mesh moccasins, and carrying a quart of bronzer in my sequined sack purse.

Maggie

The Shocker!

2006-06-23T09:50:00.000-04:00

Hollywood is a place where anything can happen. Most people learn this the hard way AFTER they get herpes from a casting couch. Some people learn it by marrying Ahmet Zappa. I think the former is the more desirable "catch".

In news that is so shocking I can barely finish this morning's Mudslide and handful of Dexatrim - Selma Blair and Ahmet Zappa are divorcing after two years of marriage. I didn't laugh when I heard they got engaged after dating for a week. I didn't laugh when they got married after dating for six months. I didn't laugh when I watched "The Sweetest Thing" (mostly because I was too busy scowling and muttering "Somebody actually put money behind this piece of crap?"). I'll tell you when I laughed - when an article about said divorce referred to Ahmet Zappa as an "actor-rocker".

I don't want to split hair extensions here, but I'm pretty sure that in order to be an "actor-rocker" you have to both "act" and "rock" - two things that I've never witnessed Ahmet Zappa actually doing. If you ever had the misfortune of watching Dweezil's and his show "Happy Hour" on USA a few years back, you know what I'm talking about. It was like wearing a damp suit of armor and riding an electric porcupine, only less endurable.

Maggie

Fiction Friction

2006-06-22T09:45:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if television could get any worse these days, what with all of the "Big Brother All-Stars Reunion"s and "America's Got Talent"s out there, and then something comes along that completely redeems the entire medium.

Corey Haim (boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!) and Corey Feldman (blech) are teaming up to do a new show called "The Coreys". It will be loosely based on their lives, but the characters they'll be playing will be "fictional versions" of themselves. I guess the production assistants willl have to go out and buy some "fictional" methodone for the set, too.

I would be more than happy to be the "fictional" Corey Haim stalker, as I'm sure you're aware of my "fictional" unhealthy lustful feelings for him. I still send bad hair vibes to Heather Graham to this day because she got to make out with him in "License to Drive" and didn't even appear to enjoy it. I once dated a guy for a year who beat me with a garden hose and made me scrub his toilet with my toothbrush because he looked a teensy bit like Corey Haim in the right light. But my devotion is not up for debate here. The Corey Haim tattoo on my "fictional" ass speaks for itself.

There's no tentative start date as of yet, but I hope to have a Corey Countdown Clock up soon.

Maggie

Play That Skanky Music, Skank

2006-06-21T11:50:00.000-04:00

Some of you might be too young to remember the movie "Silkwood", but for those of you who do remember it, I'd just like to say that I feel like it would take a wire-brush shower to feel clean again after watching this Paris Hilton video.

http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1668789

I know a lot of people think that musicians listen to their own music incessantly - in the car, at a party, while they're pretending to have sex with John Travolta when they're actually getting it on with Halle Berry - but I don't know any musicians that ever want to listen to their own music. It's like flipping through an album of photos of yourself getting kicked in the crotch by a donkey over and over and over and over again. You obsess over every little detail that you wish you could have changed, or how track 7 makes you look fat, or how the lyrics in track 2 should have been changed to reflect your feelings about that Benji guy on "So You Think You Can Dance?" who thinks he can sweat the gay right out of himself if he builds enough churches in Mexico.

Bottom line - There's nothing worse than "grooving" to your own record - I don't care HOW many times you've been videotaped fellating Rick Salomon.

Maggie

Et Tu, Firecrotch?

2006-06-20T09:41:00.000-04:00

As you well know, I am the last person on Earth to defend the actions of Lindsay Lohan. If life has taught me anything, it's that she sucks.

That being said, and with my recent talk of under-used celebrity status, I was reading about how Lindsay Lohan has her bodyguard "shoo away" any women from her VIP table that she feels are better looking than her and it got me to thinking. What would I do if I were faced with such a situation? I don't think being "shooed away" would really get the job done, do you? It's a crazy botoxed rat race out there, and you have to be the best - and BEAT the best - if you want to win the attention of the likes of Steve-O and Nick Carter. Here's my plan for keeping these skele-vultures away from your table at Hyde in LA:

1. Keep a tape measure handy for use in determining the bust size of your fellow female party-goers. Anyone over a B-cup gets shot in the face with a cannon and left for dead in the alley.

2. Check ID's as they approach your table. Any women under 25 get acid thrown in their eyes and are then thrown into a nearby crocodile pit.

3. Inspect the tags inside their clothing. If she's wearing a more expensive outfit than you she gets a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris and is then covered in honey and tied to a tree next to a hive of Killer Bees.

4. Better dancer? She won't be after you set up that bear trap and dump a bucket of poison dart frogs on her head! Take that, whore!

5. There's no amount of competing sparkling and flirtatious conversation that can't be nixed with the help of our old friend "the piranha tank". It's as under-used these days as the term "firecrotch", and I for one think that's a damn shame.

Let's keep our eye on the ball here, people. New Hollywood is really starting to bore me. I might have to start reading the actual news again.

Maggie

Tithe Me Up, Tithe Me Down

2006-06-19T10:29:00.000-04:00

I was reading a story this weekend about how Screech is trying to keep his house out of foreclosure by selling t-shirts for $15 ($20 if autographed), and it got me to thinking about what I need to do to get people to help me out with my expenses. Sure, you all like to gawk at my humongous ass and see how many minutes it jiggles after you smack it, but do you have any idea how many bacon double cheeseburgers I have to eat to maintain it? And do you think shimmery crease-proof eyeshadows just grow on trees? If people are willing to put their hard-earned cash towards Screech's $250,000 defaulted mortgage, I don't think it would be too much to ask for you to pony up a few grand for me to get some much-needed Burger King and Sephora essentials.

I just imagined a Sephora store with a Burger King IN it. Dare to dream.

No shows this week. We're watching basketball.

Maggie

Control Yourself

2006-06-16T09:50:00.000-04:00

There is absolutely no reason for you to be so upset that the next film installment of "The Dukes of Hazzard" is going to be released straight to video. I know you had your hopes up - we all did - but maybe this will teach you a valuable life lesson about not always getting what you want. No, really, please stop crying and threatening to throw yourself in the path of Charlie Sheen's penis. It's not going to help matters. The best thing for you to do right now is to curl up with a pint of Ben and Jerry's and eat yourself sick. Then wash it down with a few handfuls of Ex-Lax so you won't be called "zaftig" by Joan Rivers on the red carpet at the premiere of whatever piece of crap Brett Ratner is putting out this week. You might want to pop a few valium too so you can look Jeremy Piven right in the eye and not laugh at how his hairline has managed to creep about five inches forward in as many years.

Get your act together. You're embarrassing yourself.

No shows this weekend. That should give you plenty of time for reflection.

Maggie

The Star Treatment

2006-06-15T09:40:00.000-04:00

In case you didn't hear, an employee of Victoria's Secret is reporting that Britney Spears came in a couple of days ago looking for some red thongs. I'm not sure how thong underwear works with a pregnant belly, but maybe she was buying them for her grandmother or something. So Britney gets to the register, pays for her items, smells a stinky one, and lays her baby on the floor next to the register, changes his diaper, and then shoves the dirty diaper at the woman behind the register who, thankfully, refused to take it from her.

Come on now, Britney. Seriously? If you're gonna do that, you might as well go all the way. You should have changed the diaper on TOP of the register, grabbed one of those overpriced negligees and used it as a baby wipe, smushed the dirty diaper in the cashier's face when she refused to take it, exacted revenge on the cashier's by contracting a hitman to snuff out her family and friends, taken the employees of Mrs. Field's Cookies hostage and sacrificed the baby to the gods of the Snickerdoodle, burned down the Orange Julius stand, declared herself the Empress of Rome, and used the public bathroom and left pee on the seat. Gross!

I'm just sick and tired of people under-using their celebrity status.

Maggie

The Sassy Infant Look

2006-06-15T09:39:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I like to read the entertainment news and make wild assumptions based on the headlines without actually reading the story. It makes all of those stories about Tori Spelling being a turtle-faced homewrecker whore that much more interesting.

That being said, here is today's "Headline Assumption":

"Baby Shiloh Inspires New Fashion Trend"

I'm sure it's probably some THRILLING story about how the Brangelina miracle child is wearing the latest in sweatshop-free cloth diapers or some such nonsense, but I'd like to take a few steps further and assume that women are running out in droves right now and getting their heads shaved, their umbilical cord nubbins reattached, and un-learning bowel control. Come on girls! A man wants a woman he can take care of!

And to think, I worked all these years to become independent, never realizing it was just a fad.

Maggie

Upcoming Shows

2006-06-13T10:24:00.000-04:00

We've got TWO cd release shows lined up for the debut of "Slip on The Lips" - the first full-length album from your favorite teen m-idols The Freakin' Hott. Each one promises to be an evening of rock 'n roll debauchery AND multiple girdle tugs and lip gloss applications. And both of these shows are FREE!

Schedule is as follows:

July 7th
The Poorhouse
Official Broward CD Release Party
Ft. Lauderdale

August 4th
Brogue's Pub
Official Palm Beach CD Release Party
Lake Worth

Come out and get your hands on our first full-length album "Slip on The Lips" before they're gone! We've only pressed a limited number of copies, so if you wait too long they'll be sold out and you'll have to wait for another pressing, and then you'll say, "Maggie, I didn't know there were only a limited number of cd's! What can I do to get one now?" and I'll say, "Tough luck! Maybe you need to get your priorities straight, Grandma!"

Maggie

Dave Navarro Still Eats It

2006-06-09T10:12:00.000-04:00

I can't pinpoint the exact moment that I began to loathe Dave Navarro, but it was probably sometime in the area of that whole "'Til Death Do Us Part" show that showcased he and Carmen Electra's wedding. It was either that, or that time he ruined an entire Red Hot Chili Peppers record and talked Anthony Kiedis into wearing high-waisted flame-y vinyl pants. Although, come to think of it, it might have been around the time that he was born, but I did give him his fifteen minutes' worth during his time with Jane's Addiction. After all, "Nothing's Shocking" changed my angst-ridden ninth grade life.

So Dave Navarro, along with Jane's Addiction members Stephen Perkins and Chris Chaney, has formed a new band (with former MTV VJ Steve Isaacs handling the frontman duties) called "Panic Channel". Unfortunately, he's come out and said that between his new "band" (ha ha) and his super AWESOME job hosting this season's "Rock Star" show on CBS (ha ha times infinity), he and Carmen Electra just "don't have time" to have babies.

I, for one, feel cheated. I was so looking forward to reading the tabloid reports about how he's having Jean-Paul Gaultier custom-design a mini feather boa and latex diaper for his wolverine-spawn's quasi-burlesque christening into The Infant Pussycat Dolls as coached by skankalumnus "Moms" Electra.

I love the idea of Dave telling this kid how Mom and Dad met. "Well, a couple of years after your mom finished being Prince's f*ckdoll, and after I was done making out with Perry Farrell and Anthony Kiedis, we met and fell in MTV-subsidized love where we told the whole world how we celebrated our wedding night by popping some Viagra and seeing how many weights we could hang from your mom's nipple rings before her implants popped."

Maggie

Apocalypse WOW!

2006-06-08T10:04:00.000-04:00

I know a lot of you were disappointed that the apocalypse didn't happen this past Tuesday, but I'm here to tell you that there's still hope for your hopelessness! If you read the Bible very carefully, you would know that the real sign that the end is near is when Michael Bolton sings a duet with Nicolette Sheridan. Well guess what?

Michael Bolton has recorded a duet with his fiancee Nicolette Sheridan on his new cd "Bolton Swings Sinatra". I'll give you a moment to laugh at how stupid that title is, and for Frank Sinatra to roll over in his well-fortified coffin...

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Okay, moving on. Michael has described Nicolette's singing voice as "breathy". I'm sure the first word he came up with was "gruff", but he didn't want to send up any red flags about that the fact that she's a dude. I'm sure the experience of having her balls taped to her inner thigh for those sexy car-wash scenes on "Desperate Housewives" is humiliating enough.

In a related story, be sure to check out the sassy duet I did with the vaguely Kenny G-ish guy from Color Me Badd. It's what we in the business like to call "money".

Maggie

My Love Costs $13,280 Per Page

2006-06-07T10:05:00.000-04:00

You know how some guys do really cheesy stuff to impress a woman and all the women around her go "Awwww. He is so SWEET!" when all they're really thinking is "How many hours of Lifetime has this asshole been watching? Does he know NOTHING about what women really want?". And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the guy who "surprises" his girlfriend by sending her a balloon bouquet at work that says "I Wuv You" and renting "The Notebook" and filling her bathtub with Hershey's Kisses along with a note that says "Now that I've showered you with kisses..." in the thinly-veiled hope that such behavior will be rewarded with some backdoor action or some such female-dreaded activity. Are you calling me cynical? I've been called worse. Moving on.

So Marc Anthony took out a $13,280 full-page ad in Variety Magazine to declare his love for Jennifer Lopez. AND it's laid out like an awards show script. Now, to me this screams "Sorry you walked in on me banging the housekeeper", but again, I'm somewhat cynical when it comes to cheesy romantic gestures. Judge for yourself.

Fade In:
Ext. Century Plaza - Los Angeles, CA - Evening
Int. Ballroom - Women in Film Presents The 2006 Crystal and Lucy Awards

Enter: The Most Beautiful Woman in the World
Jennifer Lopez glows as she glides across the stage to accept the Crystal Award

Cut to: Marc Anthony
Her proud husband sitting in the audience aware of how lucky he is to be with the love of his life and sharing in this moment.

Cut to: Jennifer at the podium as she shares a stolen moment with him.

Cut to: Marc Anthony (mouthing) "Here's to never waking up, baby. You deserve it. I love you.

Thoughts? Opinions? Am I way off-base here?

Maggie

The Reason You Suck at Life

2006-06-06T09:52:00.000-04:00

Many people have grown up in the shadow of a overachieving sibling and become withering piles of emotional jelly that make Paul Reiser look like Vince Gallo. Many people spend years in therapy trying to climb out from under the weight of these confidence-shattering blood relatives only to find that they really do suck at life. With all of the Brangelina "Chosen One" news, can you imagine how worthless Woody Harrelson's new baby must feel? And they're not even related! I can only imagine the terrible tenth grade poetry this kid is surely going to write. What the hell? I've got time - let's make some up right now:

Locked in a world of "Cheers" reunions and Larry Flynt impressions
Dad blames the swollen egos of Ted Danson and Oliver Stone for his youthful transgressions
I have no one to blame, but my mother's careless womb
I've been to Brangelina's house
And Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has a WAY bigger room
So to you all the kids all across the land
Take it from me, hemp activist C-List celebrity parents just don't understand

Maggie

The Empress's New Nose

2006-06-05T10:30:00.000-04:00

Some of you may have noticed my absence from blogging as of late, and it's due to a combination of this bizarre cold-from-hell I've been fighting for almost two weeks and a general social withdrawing weirdness thing that I do from time to time. What can I say - chicks are weird. It's a wonder I've been able to get out of bed to come to work as the human snot machine, so you can imagine how much I felt like writing about Ashlee Simpson's new nose.

In band news, our cd is shrinkwrapped and ready to go. We'll be holding two official CD release parties in early July - one in Palm Beach county and one in Broward - and hopefully we'll have some more t-shirts and whatnot by then as well. The album is called "Slip on The Lips" and has ten tracks featuring your favorites like "Brass Snatch" and "Rotten Apple" as well as some of our more rare songs like "Old Weird America" and "Buttonfly". The album was recorded at Hoverbug Studios and was mixed by the brilliant Christopher Moll (The Postmarks, See Venus, Color Me Badd) and even features the shreddery of one Randall "The Scandal" Gentry. And if that weren't enough, every album includes one free kick in the crotch from yours truly.

So Ashlee has a new nose. Hurrah.

Maggie

Jingle Bluebells

2006-05-23T11:38:00.000-04:00

Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice) has named her newborn daughter Bluebell Madonna. From AP:

"The singer also known as Ginger Spice, 33, told Hello! magazine she'd been inspired by seeing the spring flowers during her pregnancy.

"But what really clinched it for me was my mother telling me that the bluebell is increasingly rare - so it's precious flower, which seems just right for my daughter," Halliwell was quoted as saying."

That makes sense. So long as it's "rare". That seems to be the way celebrities find names for their babies now. On the other hand, Oral Gonorrhea is rare, so I guess that would be a fitting name for a child too. Cleveland Steamer? Also rare. Platypus Buttplug? Rare.

I can't wait till all of these celebrity kids grow up. You think it's bad now with the Paris Hilton's and Nicole Richie's of the world? Wait until you see Charlie Sheen's daughter having a second wave Reggaeton dance-off with Britney Spears's son in 2024. At least I assume Reggaeton will be the only music available by 2024 - I'm sure payola will be around long after the nuclear apocalypse...

Maggie

Welcome to The Overpriced Tube Top Jungle

2006-05-22T09:55:00.000-04:00

It seems Axl Rose and Tommy Hilfiger got into a little scuffle this weekend in New York City. I know what you're thinking - and you're incorrect. They were NOT arguing over the release date of the long-UNawaited Guns 'n Roses album "Chinese Democracy". Nor were they arguing over Tommy's uninspired, urban-pandering campaign to take fashion down one logo tube-top at a time. It turns out they were arguing because Axl moved Tommy's girlfriend's drink so it wouldn't spill on him. The best part? Definitely the quote:

"It was the most surreal thing, I think, that's ever happened to me in my life."

I would like to note that this particular quote was not made by Tommy Hilfiger, but by Axl himself. Take a moment to think about that. Axl Rose thinks that getting slapped around by Tommy Hilfiger was the most surreal thing that's ever happened to him. Apparently he was too wasted to remember those years that we all had to endure the videos for "Don't Cry", "November Rain", and "Estranged". Nor does he recall inciting riots in St. Louis and Montreal after walking off-stage in the middle of concerts. Nor does he remember wearing American flag biking shorts in public.

All in all, I think getting slapped around by Tommy Hilfiger is the LEAST surreal thing that's ever happened to Axl Rose. I only hope that this is just the beginning of crusty remnants of late 80's rock getting pushed around by bland fashion designers. I can hardly wait to hear about Chip Z'nuff's eventual ass-beating at the hands of Ralph Lauren.

Maggie

Them Bones

2006-05-19T10:10:00.000-04:00

Alice in Chains played a reunion concert last night at The Roxy in Hollywood. I don't want to seem crass here, because I think that both the life and death of Layne Staley is incredibly tragic, but unless they pulled out some wacky hijinks from "Weekend At Bernie's", I don't see this whole "reunion" thing being believable. It's the equivalent of having a Gilligan's Island reunion without Gilligan.

Maybe I should give "Weekend At Bernie's" another look-see. If for no other reason than that I can't get enough of Andrew McCarthy and his spindly, moist, wimpy W.A.S.P.-yness. I'm not kidding. That boy really does it for me.

I refuse to be ashamed.

Maggie

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT! The Freakin' Hott and Timb at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale. Show starts 11pm and goes till waaaaaaaaay late. You better get a nap in after your shift at The Cheetah.

Crotch of Fire

2006-05-18T09:39:00.000-04:00

My glee is immeasurable right now, and it's all thanks to one word: Firecrotch.

Brandon Davis (son of a billionaire oil tycoon, defiler of starlets, asshole extraordinaire) drunkenly went off on a tangent about Lindsay Lohan's financial status AND genitalia ON VIDEO inside a nightclub in Hollywood, with Paris Hilton egging him on the whole time. This is the kind of thing that all quasi-celebrities SHOULD be doing, if for no other reason than that it gives me some fantastic quotes to pull. Here's a few of my favorites from the lips of this walking trouser snake:

On her financial status:

"I think she's worth about seven million (dollars), which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel."

On her dating Wilmer Valderrama:

"Is he in a mariachi band?"

And, my favorite, on her genitalia:

"Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long."

You can't buy this kind of entertainment anymore. It's truly a gift.

Maggie

Poorhouse - Friday Night - The Freakin' Hott and Timb - 11pm - Be There.

Fun With Words and Phrases

2006-05-17T10:06:00.000-04:00

What the heck? It's been a while...

Here is another list of words/terms/phrases that need to be struck from our vernacular immediately:

1. "Catfight" - On its own, not that bad, but there's always some idiot in a bar/club/whatever who says it like this - "Oooooh - Catfight!" and then looks around at their friends to make sure they heard them say it, and then laughs like they're the one who invented the term to begin with. I hate you.

2. "Do I Smell Bacon?" - This was slightly amusing to me when I was nine years old, when a police car would drive by our school bus and one of the boys on the back of the bus would say it. Since then, there mere utterance of this term makes me want to kick you in the face. Again, please stop laughing and looking around at your friends for their approval and praise after you say this. You're not funny.

3. "24/7" - I'm just sick of this one. Particularly when someone like Larry King says it and gets that smug look like he's in on some "hip lingo" that all the kids are using.

4. "LOL" - I used to work with a woman who would instant message me "LOL" when she thought something was funny, but I could see her from my desk, and she CLEARLY was not "laughing out loud". Nor was she ever rolling on the floor laughing her ass off, contrary to her numerous ROFLMAO's. I hate people who use instant messaging as a way to pacify their need to pathologically lie about the status of their laughter. Screw them.

5. "You must cease all contact with Donny Osmond immediately" - I find this one annoying because I know that if Donny just got the chance to know me, he would realize that we're meant to be together and stop this restraining order business once and for all.

Maggie

The Skank Factor

2006-05-16T09:06:00.000-04:00

Today we will discuss "The S Factor". This is the name of that "striptease" workout thing that Sheila Kelley started a couple years back, made most famous by the likes of Teri Hatcher and Lisa Rinna, both of whom I'm sure look like underfed trout dangling from a cane pole while doing this workout. But I digress...

In order to properly celebrate Mother's Day, Sheila Kelley held an "all ages" open house striptease lesson for mothers and daughters. I can't think of a better way to celebrate Mother's Day than by teaching your 7 year old daughter how to properly swing around a pole to Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls". It's GOOD for kids! AND society! And who better to teach them than Mom? The last thing any parent would want would be to have a total STRANGER teach their child the proper way to apply body glitter and how to pick up dollar bills without using their hands. THAT would be wrong.

You can't even imagine the look on my face right now. I look like Dorothy Zbornak after enduring a particularly long St. Olaf story.

Maggie

We're playing at The Poorhouse in Ft. Lauderdale THIS FRIDAY, May 19th, along with the one and only Ubiquitous Timb. No cover, 21 and up, who dat is, that just my baby-daddy.

American Eye-cream-dol

2006-05-15T09:24:00.000-04:00

Here's another Ryan Seacrest photo for your amusement:

(In case the photos aren't showing up - you can find the pics at www.defamer.com/images/2006/05/seacrest-stanley-cup.jpg .)

Again, I want to see the pictures that followed these three. You know, the ones where Ryan Seacrest throws a fit after realizing that the "Stanley Cup" is not an athletic cup being worn by a guy named Stanley and then storms off to Neiman Marcus to pretend he's flirting with the girls who work the Clinique counter, when he's merely sucking up to them for free samples of chamomile night cream and lavender toner.

Ryan - Nobody CARES that you're gay. Your attempts at remaining closeted are much more amusing.

Maggie

Sad Facts

2006-05-11T09:10:00.000-04:00

Britney Spears has CONFIRMED that she is, once again, infected with Federline-spawn. In case you're keeping tabs here, this will be child number FOUR for K-Wig. FOUR. In LESS than five years. I sat down with my calculator and did the math - and at this rate he'll have 782,956 children by ... October? Maybe early November?

Here's a sad fact:

Isaac Newton: 0 children

Albert Einstein: 2 children

Stephen Hawking: 3 children

Kevin Federline: 4 children

Let's all sing together: "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong - can you tell which thing is not like the others by the time I finish this blog?"

Maggie

(Hint: It's the one that looks like a trailer weasel and is a waste of human existence.)

Carrots Wait for No One

2006-05-10T09:10:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of things I could say about this picture of Jessica Simpson. A LOT.

I could make mention of the fact that she looks like a bumpy Chick-o-Stick. I could note how ABSOLUTELY FREAKING WEIRD her boobs look. I could even say that in that particular get-up she was probably mistaken for a bottle of Fanta until a Fanta bottle became enchanted and jumped up and said, "You insult the integrity of Fanta with that statement." and then climbed some light-rigging and started firing a gun randomly into the crowd.

But as a mature lady, I am above that.

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YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE BEAT YOU WITH A PUMPKIN FULL OF AGENT ORANGE AND DIET SUNKIST, YOU MUTATED SPRAY-ON CARROT-FACED FREAK OF NATURE.

Sorry.

Maggie

Immaterial Girl

2006-05-09T12:41:00.000-04:00

In yet more news nobody cares about, Madonna has posed topless for a W Magazine fashion "spread". An anonymous British source had the following to say about it:

"In one [photo] she is dressed as an English horse rider but there is a sexy twist as she has her boobs out."

Let's summarize that sentence: One dressed English horse twist boobs out.

It's funny, because I would have guessed that this was a topless Madonna story just by that sentence alone.

There's a time and a place for Madonna's boobs. And that time was 1984.

Now I can hardly wait for the eventual nudie pics of Mae West's corpse to surface. I bet they'll be twice as hot as those etchings of Cleopatra's mummified vagina.

Maggie

(And before you jump on me, music critics, Madonna didn't open any gates for any of us real women. She merely reinforced the boys' club that says that women have to show their tits to sell records.)

Our Fallen Hero: Decency

2006-05-08T10:24:00.000-04:00

Stavros Niarchos is not taking this getting dumped by Paris Hilton thing all too well. According to Star Magazine (Wilkins is a crack dealer) he spent all night at Paris's guard gate, begging and pleading for her to let him in so he could talk to her. Of course, there was a crowd of paparazzi there to witness the incident, and Stavros is being quoted as saying:

"Please have some decency! Leave us alone!"

Dear Stavros,

It's a little late for that now. I think Paris actually murdered decency and wore it as a thong on the red carpet MONTHS ago. Get with the program, spanakopita.

Sincerely,

Maggie

The Prairie Skank Companion

2006-05-05T12:01:00.000-04:00

Lindsay Lohan showed up with a cast on her foot a few nights ago at a press conference for her upcoming film "The Prairie Home Companion". And while she claims she received the hairline fracture in her foot by slipping on the floor when she got out of the shower, I think we all know that the real story must be more interesting than THAT:

1. She was sitting down to a dinner of two quick bursts of Pam non-stick cooking spray and read that it had carbs in it, had a panic attack, had sex with Brett Ratner to punish herself, and broke her foot under the weight of his ego.

2. She was trying to one-up Paris Hilton by fitting the entire right side of her own body into her vagina, and twisted her ankle on the dismount.

3. As a result of dating Jared Leto, she now has syphilis of the foot, or as it's known in Hollywood "JordanCatalanoIsAnAsshole-itis".

4. She's so skinny, she has to jump around in the shower to get wet. ZING! (Thanks, Slappy White.)

5. I totally kicked her narrow spotted ass after she called me "thick".

Maggie

Dream A Little Birthday Dream

2006-05-04T09:06:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday.

This is a picture of what I want.

So you better find him (and a time machine) and figure out a way to get him to willingly come to my house and make out with me while we watch "Dream a Little Dream" and make fun of Corey Feldman's no-lips ... oh, and eat Bagel Bites. The Bagel Bites are integral to the fantasy.

And if you show up with THIS:

I will kick your ass.

Maggie

Love, Thy Name Is Skankis

2006-05-03T09:20:00.000-04:00

Devastated by the news of Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos breaking up, I hope to gain some kind of understanding and closure by reenacting their break-up conversation:

Paris: Stavros! Where are you Stavros???

Stavros: (muffled sounds of screaming followed by the sound of a genetically-mutated walrus being dropped into a pool of Diet Berries and Cream Dr. Pepper from The Island Hopper) Oh man! That is the LAST time I'm having sex with you!

Paris: Don't you know who I AM?

Stavros: Sure I do, but the five guys I just met "up there" told me they finally have enough players to take on your gonorrhea in the play-offs. I think that means we have to break up.

Paris: That's hot. Not the breaking up part, of course, but the gonorrhea team just scored a three-pointer!

This is my time of need, folks. This news has really hit me hard. If you can spare anything - a thousand dollars, a non-sexual backrub, or even an all expenses paid vacation to Jamaica - now's the time to step up.

Maggie

I'm Too Tired of This to Even Think of A Title

2006-05-02T09:09:00.000-04:00

Well this is all we need. As if the Bennifers, Brangelinas, and Tooneys (??!!) of the world weren't bad enough - now we have a new celebrity mash-up name that trumps all:

Richie Rich.

That's right. Richie Sambora and Denise Richards = Richie Rich.

It's getting so hard to keep track of all of these ridiculous names, why don't we just start using descriptions of these people instead?

Richie Rich = Bad Haircut / Terrible Actress.

Believe me, I'm being kind. My first choice was Squinty Douchebag Spaghetti-Puss / Herpes Casserole a'la Mode.

Maggie

Wild Coconuts Couldn't Drag Me Away

2006-05-01T09:18:00.000-04:00

Thank goodness Keith Richards is holding down the "rock 'n roll end" of things for The Rolling Stones. With the most recent news of Mick's sitcom ambitions, it's good to know that somebody in that band still remembers who they are.

Keith Richards suffered a mild concussion this weekend after falling out of a palm tree on the island of Fiji.

A lot of people will tell you that a 62 year old man has no business climbing a palm tree, but in the grand scheme of "all things Keith", climbing palm trees is about one of the safest things he's done in decades, respectively. Now, who knows, perhaps he was trying to fetch a bottle of Jack Daniels that had been lodged up there, or maybe he was trying to cut down a coconut for a heroin pina colada, but I'm just happy that he's getting some exercise.

Maggie

We had a fantastic time at Brogue's on Friday night. Thanks to all of you who made the trek up that way. Next show will be at The Poorhouse on May 19th, so you have plenty of time to brush up on your "not getting drunk until you pass out and people take turns peeing on you" moves.

Circle-Circle Dot-Dot

2006-04-28T09:21:00.000-04:00

I really wish I had the photos that followed this shot:

You know - the ones where Ryan Seacrest dry-heaves, rips off his clothes, furiously sanitizes his hands and screams, "Ewwww - girls!!!!!" and then proceeds to pass out on the red carpet awaiting a "Cootie Shot" from a nearby medical team.

Maggie

Come see The Freakin' Hott at Brogue's in Lake Worth tonight, April 28th. We will ACTUALLY start playing circa 10:30 - one original set, followed by a cover set. We've got a few new tricks up our sleeves, so don't miss it.

And thank you, John Ralston, for the plug last night - and for putting on a hell of a show! You make us all proud.

Your Mother is The Centerfold

2006-04-27T09:19:00.000-04:00

In news that nobody cares about, Cindy Margolis - the famed "Most Downloaded Woman on The Planet" - has decided to pose for Playboy. At age 40, and a mother of three, Cindy had this to say about her decision to finally "bare it all".

"Thank goodness for 'Desperate Housewives.' You're not dead just because you are married and have children. Posing nude at the age of 40 is empowering. In the past it would have been for gratuitous reasons."

1. You can thank badness for Desperate Housewives. Goodness is sitting over there in the corner pretending it doesn't know you.

2. I was unaware that being married and having children means that you're effectively dead. Happy Birthday, kids!

3. To Cindy Margolis, "Dead" = "No Longer Wanking Material for Strange Men".

4. If posing nude at 40 is empowering, then I can't wait till she's 80, then it will be DOUBLE-empowering. At 160, she'll almost be a feminist!

5. I'm sure every guy with their wiener in the hand will find her "spread" to be non-gratuitous, respectable, and kind to animals. Oh, and sticky. Very, very sticky.

Kudos, Cindy. I'm sure you'll make your family proud.

Maggie

Go see John Ralston tonight at Respectables.

Go see The Freakin' Hott tomorrow night at Brogue's Pub.

Sexy Is As Sexy Does

2006-04-26T09:26:00.000-04:00

So US Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears is pregnant again. They said she was seen at the pool at Caesar's Palace in a bikini and was "visibly pregnant". Here we go again.

I feel as though I need to reach for the words of Kevin Federline, from his "hit" single "America's Most Hated" to understand the meaning of all this.

So i duck and roll
Middle fingers still up sayin f*ck the globe
And my dawgs still down
We dont trust them hoes
I live life like a King
I was extra stoned
Kevin Federline -
I come tight with every rhyme

Now it all makes sense. How could she NOT have sex with him every night? Come on, people, she's not made of stone. Not only does he give Earth "the finger", but his dawgs are apparently still down, AND he doesn't trust hoes...and let's not forget that he's extra stoned. I think I ovulated just reading that. Oh no, now I'm having contractions! Push! Push! Push! Oh my goodness! I just gave birth to a ... to a ... fifty dollar gift certificate from Graffix and a bag of Corn Nuts?

I feel cheated. Well, I guess my dawgs are still down, so all is not lost.

Maggie

The Freakin' Hott - Brogue's this Friday, April 28th in Lake Worth. Go see John Ralston at Respectable's in West Palm Beach tomorrow night, April 27th.

You Give STD's A Bad Name

2006-04-25T09:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Denise Richards,

I'm sure you're all "surprised" that you've had to take a restraining order out against Charlie Sheen, but let's go over the conversation I had with you in my imagination before you married that trouser snake:

Maggie: Seriously. Charlie Sheen? He's more Herp than human!

Denise: But I love him! And besides, he's CHARLIE EFFIN' SHEEN. Star of "Hot Shots", "Hot Shots Part Deux", and "Major League"! Sometimes I can barely control myself when I hear "Wild Thing" on the radio!

Maggie: You know he's had sex with like a thousand L.A. prostitutes, right? Oh, and the coke habit. And the fact that he was borne of the same vagina as EMILIO ESTEVEZ??? Have you even SEEN "Men at Work"????

Denise: I lost my anal virginity to the soundtrack from that movie! Good times...good times.

Maggie: Wait - was this before or after you were on Doogie Howser?

Denise: You tell me! (Shows Vinnie Delpino tattoo)

Maggie: I hope you burn in hell.

So, I hate to say "I told you so", Denise, but that's where you're at now. Burning in hell with the faint memory of Charlie Sheen's herpedic, ridge-backed, contagious, rancid, cauliflower penis to keep you company while you wait for your name to come up on the judge's docket and send secret text messages to Richie Sambora. You know Bon Jovi has ties to the Spandex Mafia, don't you?

Maggie

Wild Sitcoms Couldn't Drag Me Away

2006-04-24T09:18:00.001-04:00

Sure, I'm somewhat of a rock 'n roll purist - some might even say a snob. I believe in leather pants, tantrums, and ridiculous backstage demands. If I wanted a rock star to behave like my grandma, I'd probably be a Rob Thomas fan, but that's not the case. And I'm proud. I'm proud that I demand more from my rock stars than humility and good manners. That is why this particular news bothers me so much.

Obviously, The Rolling Stones have become somewhat of a senior citizen punchline these days, but I give them credit for continuing to draw millions of fans on tour every year, and still managing to knock up the occasional 23 year old Brazilian supermodel along the way. This is the reason we all got into music to begin with, no? Art schmart. We all do it for the chicks, our egos, the money, or because daddy didn't love us enough.

So, Mick Jagger is signing a deal to appear in a new ABC sitcom about a group of guys who plan to rob a celebrity. (Mick is the celebrity.) As if this weren't bad enough, the only reason Mick is slated to do this SITCOM, is because JEFF GOLDBLUM turned it down. That's right - irritating, obnoxious, painfully unwatchable, douchebag-extraordinaire Jeff Goldblum. A lot of people say, "Why do you hate Jeff Goldblum with such a passion?"

I will tell you why: Because watching him attempting to explain Chaos Theory in Jurassic Park made me want to rip my own eyeballs out, eat them, vomit them back up, and return them to my eye sockets where the caustic hydrochloric acid from my stomach would burn through my optic nerves and into my brain which would render me as useless a human being as, well, Jeff Goldblum.

I hate Jeff Goldblum. Learn to live with it.

Maggie

Brogue's this Friday in Lake Worth. No cover, strictly 21 and up. Drop that zero and get yourself a hero.

This KISS

2006-04-21T09:16:00.000-04:00

I've often wondered what the band KISS would smell like if they were in cologne or perfume form. Luckily, they're launching a fragrance line next year, so we won't have to waste our lives soul-searching and toiling over the situation.

I think the most responsible way to predict what it will smell like would be to break it down by band member and then put them together in a big ol' bottle of Massengill and see what squirts out.

1. Paul Stanley - Nipply, pouty, reminiscent of Marc Bolan's ball sweat

2. Ace Frehley - Rough and road-worn, musty, like an old saddle that once had a naked Edward James Olmos astride it

3. Peter Criss - Mostly ignored, crackly, like the used condoms of Rick James that have been stuck on the underside of Linda Blair's box spring since 1979.

4. Gene Simmons - Pungent, spicy, like twenty thousand 70's muffs all being waxed at once by Andy Dick from inside of the shark tank at Sea World

Summary - This cologne/perfume will smell like nipples, man-juice, a naked Edward James Olmos, used condoms of funk legends, a gaggle of gyners that look like plucked chickens, the stink of brine, and Andy Dick.

I have a feeling the makers of the Desperate Housewives perfume will be filing a trademark infringement lawsuit shortly.

Maggie

No shows this weekend - next Friday, the 28th, we'll be at Brogue's in downtown Lake Worth. Hold your water.